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Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

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Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#1

Post by troubledbrother »

Hi, I'm a regular here, posting under a throwaway account.

My younger brother (23 years old) seems to be addicted to alcohol. He may also be suffering from depression.

His problems started more than a year ago when he was going through a lot of existential angst. He was quite into reading deep philosophical books and would have heated arguments with his orthodox family about all sorts of metaphysical stuff. He was at university but he would never go to class, sleep all day and read all night. This was passable until he started drinking. He would come home extremely drunk and would shout and swear at his family. Sometimes, things even got a bit violent.

I live abroad, so I could never help much. But I had to fly home a couple of times when things got a bit out of hand. My brother once nearly had a fatal car accident when he was driving drunk.

In the last few months, he seemed to be recovering. He got his degree and had recently started working. His drunken bouts reduced to once every few months. But they still haven't gone completely. In the last few days, he's been getting drunk very frequently and going home in a bad physical state.

Note that my brother and family are in India. His drinking habit may sound like a normal thing for young people to do in the West. However, his drinking is anything but normal. He doesn't hang out much with his friends, mostly drinks alone and ends up in a state where he has no clue what he's doing. Even after nearly killing himself, he is in complete denial that he has any sort of problem. We have tried to get him medical help once but he refuses to co-operate.

I'm scared we will lose him sooner than later if things carry on like this.

I know we need to seek professional help, but doing so is a bit complicated in India. Social complications aside, I'm not sure about the quality of medical services for this sort of thing. I'm not even sure where to start - seek psychological/psychiatric help or medical (as in physical) help.

So, I'm turning to the HN community, which always has some good advice even regarding personal issues such as this. I'm sorry this is not exactly relevant to this forum, but I'm desperately in need for help. I'll appreciate any thoughts or ideas if you have had personal experience dealing with similar problems.

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#2

Post by insomniasexx »

Get him a 12 step book? Be there for him. He can't and won't quit until he wants to. He must make the decision. Aside from throwing him in rehab (like some do here in the US) there isn't much you can do. All you can do is let him know that you love and support him and want him to get better.

Therapy might help him work out his other personal issues which in turn might help curb the binges.

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#5

Post by dman »

Maybe ask him to come and visit you where you live. Sometimes a change of scenery and a new place gets people out of a rut. Besides that sadly theres not much you can do. I am from India too and more than one person in my joint family has withered over time due to almost identical circumstances.

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#6

Post by troubledbrother »

jacquesm wrote: post #4

If you really want to help your brother I doubt you can do it by remote control. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?

I can try and visit him more often, but I've just started a startup. Perhaps it's time to revise my priorities.

Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?

I've never looked at it that way, but if that's the case, me being near him may help.

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#7

Post by troubledbrother »

dman wrote: post #5

Maybe ask him to come and visit you where you live. Sometimes a change of scenery and a new place gets people out of a rut. Besides that sadly theres not much you can do. I am from India too and more than one person in my joint family has withered over time due to almost identical circumstances.

I have thought of doing that, but given that he seemed to be recovering recently and also just started working, I put it off. Also, I'm not sure how much a short visit would help.

I'm sorry to hear about your family; thanks for your help.

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#8

Post by dman »

troubledbrother wrote: post #7
dman wrote: post #5

Maybe ask him to come and visit you where you live. Sometimes a change of scenery and a new place gets people out of a rut. Besides that sadly theres not much you can do. I am from India too and more than one person in my joint family has withered over time due to almost identical circumstances.

I have thought of doing that, but given that he seemed to be recovering recently and also just started working, I put it off. Also, I'm not sure how much a short visit would help. I'm sorry to hear about your family; thanks for your help.

I was actually thinking of a slightly prolonged visit. I dont know what he does professionally but maybe he could come here and see if there are startups / companies / univs doing interesting things in his field. I was thinking along the lines of -he comes here, meets some people who are doing interesting stuff in his field, finds a footing and passion for the field and gets some direction - perhaps enrolls in a post grad univ. Sometimes the reason people turn to philosophy books is because they arent finding the intellectual challenge that they crave in their daily life. In India careers can often seem mundane and maybe putting him in contact with people who are close to how he wants to be would solve his anguish and make him feel that good things are possible.

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#9

Post by jacquesm »

troubledbrother wrote: post #6
jacquesm wrote: post #4

If you really want to help your brother I doubt you can do it by remote control. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?

I can try and visit him more often, but I've just started a startup. Perhaps it's time to revise my priorities. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you? I've never looked at it that way, but if that's the case, me being near him may help.

In the end nobody can change a life except the person whose life it is, but if it were my brother I'd be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help.

Fortunately my brother is not in to stuff like that.

It's really tough, and one of those things that you have to deal with as an emigrant that is not in the playbook.

Do you have more brothers? If you do can they be of assistance somehow? Does your brother look up to you, see you as a role model? Does he have good friends?

It's tough. My dad was an all-out alcoholic, he drank more than anybody that I've ever seen, before or after, and on top of that he was violent when drunk. It gave me a fantastic warning about what kind of an effect alcohol can have on people and as a result I never drank a drop.

So I really feel for you, but if it turns out that you can't make a difference don't be too hard on yourself.

good luck!

Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?

#10

Post by Mz »

There is a book called "The Truth about Addiction and Recovery" that you might find interesting. One of the points it makes is that focusing overly much on the drinking problem tends to make it harder to solve. That resonates with me. My father drank a great deal in his youth, probably to try to drown out memories of his time on the front lines in two wars. He developed a heart problem when I was a little girl, blamed it on the drinking and never drank again. I think part of why that worked is because he was never labeled "an alcoholic" and my mother never made a big issue out of his drinking, in part because he wasn't a mean drunk and there was always enough money.

I think people do things for a reason. I would wonder what the reason was and try to address that in a non-blaming, non-controlling fashion. I think trying to "fix" another human being generally comes across as blaming and controlling and, because of that, tends to be rejected by the intended recipient. You might also consider reading some material by Deepak Chopra concerning the impact of the mind/attitudes/mental framing on health outcomes.

Good luck with this.

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