Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed • Hacker News Board

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#181

Post by throwaway413 » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:09 PM UTC

tboyd47 wrote: post #164

throwaway413 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We moved to a new city. I work full time (from home) as a SWE. She is a stay at home mom. She met new people on IG in our new city, made friends. I thought it was great. My wife has a hole deep inside her from years of childhood abuse. She has no career, is early 20s like myself, and has yet to figure herself out. As the months went by, she filled that hole more and more with her connections on IG and less with our f…

I don't think it's the social media. If she was abused as a child, then she is dealing with levels of emotional pain we cannot imagine. Being in a relationship with someone like that takes a superhuman level of patience. No one understands how much child abuse wrecks the psychology of a person until it's their immediate family. It sounds like you've been a good husband to her. Women don't forget good treatment, even…

Thank you for your advice.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#182

Post by dawhizkid » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:21 PM UTC

exodust wrote: post #160

dawhizkid wrote: post #83

I find instagram to be, by far, the most damaging to my mental health of all the social networks. The explore feed must be optimized to relentlessly show "all the people I wish I could be but will never be."

Are you saying that if you were unaware those people existed, your mental health would benefit? I don't understand. "Ignorance is bliss" surely can't be an antidote to depression.

The point is that it's so easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to the artificial lives of professional "influencers" on Instagram who are selling you a lifestyle for their own gain. It isn't so much "ignorance is bliss" so much as realizing the life they sell isn't really real. Even among "non-influencers" everyone is optimizing posts to show the happiest parts of their lives, which is a tiny slice of our reality.

When you're feeling depressed or anxious, being bombarded with a feed of artificially happy people only makes you more depressed or anxious.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#183

Post by late2part » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:27 PM UTC

throwaway413 wrote: post #16

PuffinBlue wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you expand on this? I don't really understand how x lead to y as i don't have much idea about social media addiction at all or its effects.

We moved to a new city. I work full time (from home) as a SWE. She is a stay at home mom. She met new people on IG in our new city, made friends. I thought it was great. My wife has a hole deep inside her from years of childhood abuse. She has no career, is early 20s like myself, and has yet to figure herself out. As the months went by, she filled that hole more and more with her connections on IG and less with our f…

It sounds like you're going through something very tough, I'm sorry. If I were you I would get a divorce, cancel credit cards, and stop paying for apartment and car.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#184

Post by late2part » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:31 PM UTC

throwaway413 wrote: post #45

Al-Khwarizmi wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow. This is a really sad story. I'm really sorry for you and hope you can get over this and find a better partner. Are you forced by the courts to pay her that $4K+/month? Because it would probably be better (not only for you, which is obvious, but for her) if you didn't.

No, we haven’t gone to court, no alimony or payments - luckily she wants to avoid it because her parents had a very messy divorce in her childhood. I pay for her because honestly I’m scared of the lifestyle my child will live. She doesn’t work. She makes no money. She would be on the streets honestly. Doesn’t speak to either of her parents. I recently emptied our joint bank account save $100. She flipped. Every time…

There's a point of view that says it's easier to 'control' finances while you're married then when you're divorced.

One possibly good outcome is she has no access to your finances and you stay married. That way no court orders you to do anything.

Definitely recommend spend $1k with a divorce attorney to see your options.

If she'd be on the streets, that's her choice. Give her an ultimatum and let her live with the consequences.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#185

Post by late2part » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:34 PM UTC

throwaway413 wrote: post #149

sillysaurus3 wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ah, yeah. I was reading a bit far into it. Do you think she'd be willing to go to couple's therapy? It's very expensive but it can be worth it. If you're ever looking for someone to just listen, let me know.

Thank you, I appreciate your ears. I have been trying to get her into couples counseling or even just individual counseling for over a year. She just never makes it happen. I started counseling individually 2 months ago. She came to 1 session, I booked her a follow up, but she cancelled it. She has theoretically agreed to couple counseling in the past, but now couldn’t be bothered. She thinks her IG friends are her c…

When you read this article, what do you think?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#186

Post by agumonkey » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:39 PM UTC

ifdefdebug wrote: post #61

enord wrote: post #10

Did this trend start with social media? We are doing lots of stuff to teenagers these days that we didnt do before. They are beholden to expectations far narrower than we were. We treat them as adults in school (by making them responsible for their own performance through grading and measuring) from a very young age, yet we don't really cut the umbelical cord (grant them autonomy) until they're in their twenties. Soc…

I think more dangerous than social media is the omnipresence of image recording devices. When I made a mistake as a teenager, people might laugh at me for a day or two, sooner or later it was forgotten. Today's teenager make a mistake and if they are unlucky, their shame gets immediately exposed to the whole world, forever. I think this has to contribute a lot to today's anxiousness of teenagers - who hasn't been cau…

This is important. Even though it was still possible to do that, I heard a girl was borderline abused and guys (HS) taped it on VHS. Girl's life was destroyed overnight.

This is an extreme case but otherwise I agree, long lasting traces are really to be avoided if it removes innocence and joy in kids.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#187

Post by dgudkov » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:39 PM UTC

It very well can be because teenagers are more vulnerable to the flood of shallow and sensationalist information pouring on them from media, amplified by social networks. Even for adults it can be hard to keep positive thinking after watching/reading news nowadays. No wonder teens struggle with it even more.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#188

Post by agumonkey » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:41 PM UTC

heymijo wrote: post #57

throwaway613834 wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> We treat them as adults in school (by making them responsible for their own performance through grading and measuring) from a very young age Really? I feel like even in college students don't always feel like they are responsible for their own performance & grades (and an honest one at that). Look at all the cheating and grade inflation and grading complaints (even by parents!!) that have gone towards becoming the…

Julie Lythcott-Haims was a former Stanford Dean responsible for incoming freshmen students. From that position she likely collected many more data points than any of us on this topic, which led her to write a book called How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success [0]. I have not read the book but heard her on a podcast a few years back. This article has some key poin…

I'll have to read this too, but I often think that the trend for society to push all kids into long studies delayed some internal adulthood passage. We're somehow kids up until 23 now, where as our parents were ready to roll around 16. And I think it has consequences for your development, your friendships, your potential family and also your actual one (people had kids a bit younger, meaning grand parents would be younger to take care of grand kids, a different family tissue)

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#189

Post by kelvin747 » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:45 PM UTC

This is an urban planning problem. Plain and simple

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#190

Post by late2part » Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 5:45 PM UTC

hiram112 wrote: post #121

eeZah7Ux wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I bounce between forgiving and forgetting You need to talk to a psychologist.

Yes, but first he needs to contact a lawyer. He has already made several fatal moves: 1. Left the marital home which the courts will consider abandonment. She just won legal custody. 2. He is paying her $4K or whatever a month without any judicial order. None of this will count towards future spousal or child support - instead it is a gift that establishes her minimum financial need . 3. He is (probably) not document…

Another point of view that I read about somewhere:

1. His wife was bringing home lovers to have sex with in the marital bed while he was home. He was not okay with this and asked her to stop and she became violent, combatant, abusive and irrational, yelling, screaming, throwing things in front of their child.

2. He is paying for his child to live in his house. He has asked his wife to surrender their child to him and she has refused, saying she wants to raise the child in a commune with other pansexual stay-at-home house wives.

3. He has reconstructed down to the minute all the time he has spent with his wife, and all of the mistakes and problems his wife has had with him. He has cell phone logs and text messages which corroborate this, as well as GPS locations.

4. I suspect that recently, while he's talking with his wife about how to amicably separate and take care of their child, his wife will physically attack him and he will call the police and show him the bruises.