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Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

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Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#31

Post by timthelion »

radicalbyte wrote: post #23

My father in law was the same until he was diagnosed with liver cancer three years ago. I never really knew him before then because he was always drunk. By high functioning you mean you sit in the corner getting drunk every evening whilst ignoring your wife and kids? Fighting with them on a regular basis because you're sozzled? Since then hasn't touched a drop and I've got a father in law. My children have got a gran…

I would like to second the "think of the children" argument. My father drank a similar amount and also said "(which is not that much, certainly I got used to it, so it doesn't put me in the drunk mode neither)". But he was irritable when he drank, and I remember playing a game where I'd come up and talk to him, and then run away laughing as he chased after me and knocked into the furniture.

It is easy to think you're sober when you're drunk.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#33

Post by watwut »

timthelion wrote: post #31
radicalbyte wrote: post #23

My father in law was the same until he was diagnosed with liver cancer three years ago. I never really knew him before then because he was always drunk. By high functioning you mean you sit in the corner getting drunk every evening whilst ignoring your wife and kids? Fighting with them on a regular basis because you're sozzled? Since then hasn't touched a drop and I've got a father in law. My children have got a gran…

I would like to second the "think of the children" argument. My father drank a similar amount and also said "(which is not that much, certainly I got used to it, so it doesn't put me in the drunk mode neither)". But he was irritable when he drank, and I remember playing a game where I'd come up and talk to him, and then run away laughing as he chased after me and knocked into the furniture. It is easy to think you're…

Half bottle of wine is unlikely to make him hit furniture.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#34

Post by watwut »

mattlondon wrote: post #30

You didn't really mention the context of your drinking. For example, I've gone through periods in my younger life where I was working on tough projects with tight deadlines where there was a strong sense of camaraderie on the team - it was us against the world, pulling together to make the deadlines etc. Pretty much every night there would always be someone looking to go for drinks, and inevitably a good-sized group…

Unrelated to his problem, but I hate this kind of culture. You are more effective when you slept well and did not drunk that much. Especially when you do intellectual work such as programming.

But, it does not matter how much I actually produce in such startup. People who stayed late were seen as hard workers doing a lot for project, despite them being under influence, sleep deprived and generally not in state to be all that much rational.

Everybody braggs about how how hard working they are, but huge bulk of it is just socializing and drinking.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#36

Post by chatmasta »

Your situation is not as bad as many. It sounds like your problems mostly originate internally, rather than being the result of external pressure. It’s not like your friends are calling you up every day for a bottle; you’re drinking alone. So the only person you need to say “no” to is yourself (granted that might be harder than saying no to someone else).

What works for me dealing with addictions / bad habits is to turn the habit around on itself. Start thinking of it negatively, derisively, until you hate it so much you’d be embarrassed and disgusted to engage with it.

Beyond that, find a way to get a dopamine hit from saying “no” to yourself. Relish the control it gives you. Personally when I say “no” to friends engaging in some illicit but fun activity, it feels good. I feel like I accomplished something just by saying no. That’s a powerful motivator and a critical element of developing the positive feedback cycle necessary to break a habit.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#37

Post by phugoid »

I was in a similar situation for years, and alcohol was the lesser of my intake problems. I was drinking mostly to stave off boredom; let's call it being comfortably numb.

What eventually helped was getting serious about playing music - practicing every night. I can't practice if I drink. I was excited enough about music that gave me an escape from boredom.

A few years later, I decided to start a part-time online Masters degree, and I'm excited enough about that to keep me from of boredom's abyss. It also fills most of my spare time.

I guess I replaced drinking with something that addressed some/most of the underlying cause. Also important to package the change as something positive; _start_ a degree is more motivating than _stop_ drinking.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#38

Post by lucaspiller »

I was in a similar situation until my mid-late 20s. I managed to get out of it by getting new friends who weren't interested in alcohol. A lot of my drinking was because of peer pressure, and any kind of social event was usually at a bar. Although it may sound a bit extreme, finding new friends was really the only solution for me.

Find something that interests you and focus on making new friends in that area. Running is probably a good area to start with, as people focussed on sports are going to be more conscious about how drinking affects their performance. Here in Eastern Europe it seems like a lot of people are aware of the problems alcohol can cause (from seeing it in older generations), and want to actively avoid it, so don't feel alone.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#39

Post by hmwhy »

I am ashamed to say that I have a similar probalem (but I don’t have a family) but, let’s face it, you already know the solution because you asked the question—you know that drinking is a problem in your situation.

Just stop if you love your family at all and tell yourself that you need to get your shits together and prioritise your family.

The fact that a seemingly “reasonable” person like you is asking this question is because you are conceited and you think that the people around you are dumber than you (at least for now) and won’t understand.

So... just deal with it and make it right by your wife and kids? Otherwise you are just giving yourself excuses to keep running away from the problem, like asking this pointless question that you already have the answer to.

Re: Ask HN: High functioning alcoholism – anyone?

#40

Post by joaomacp »

> Sometimes I think I drink because I'm scared to actually succeed with this side stuff, and somehow unconsciously I sabotage myself.

On a related note (I only drink socially and rarely), I also feel like I sabotage a lot of my projects. I don't do it by drinking, but by letting them go at the end and switching to another one because I'm certain this one will fail. I also have seen this behavior on other people.

I call this "success anxiety", and I don't hear about it often, but I'm certain it's some psychological ocurrence.

As a cure, I guess we should be aware that this is happening and push through it, knowing that our brain is working against us.

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