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How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

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Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#191

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?

We met at 10 years old and are getting married at 24. When we really started dating three years ago, about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. We blindly answered so as to not concede or compromise in our answers. VLOOKUP and merge answers. 90% of them are basically identical. The remaining 10% are completely predictive of current and perhaps future points of disagreement an…

Would you care to share what kind of questions if you still have them?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#192
post #127
post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a si…

Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.

But wait, doesn't that mean you're already in their "friend zone"? :)

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#193

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?

We met at 10 years old and are getting married at 24. When we really started dating three years ago, about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. We blindly answered so as to not concede or compromise in our answers. VLOOKUP and merge answers. 90% of them are basically identical. The remaining 10% are completely predictive of current and perhaps future points of disagreement an…

> about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live.

Would you be willing to share this spreadsheet?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#194

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%. There has been a related post realizin…

If the family is accessible I've found this to be a wonderful proxy for compatibility. Is their family structure how you'd like yours? Do you get along with and easily make friends with other family members? It's a good sign if your personality is compatible with the family and their way of life is what you're looking for. It's of my top indicators, I've rarely found people that strayed very far from their family in…

> I've rarely found people that strayed very far from their family in personality, hobbies, and life outlook.

In my experience, that's generally true except for people who moved to a different country at a relatively young age (or just after high school) and stayed in that country. So in the case of OP, if her family lives in Iran and she's in the US, it's likely she has a very different life outlook and cultural view than her family.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#195

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My perspective is that falling in love with someone doesn't mean having to replace your current lover. That's only true in a society that enforces monogamy. My birth culture is plainly polygamous. My grandfather had five wives. My uncle has 4 and a half. My brother has 2.

4 and a half wives? would you mind to explain?

4 wives and a lover?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#196

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! It is all about the amount of effort and commitment that the parties (plural) are willing to put into it. Bear in mind that each part of the married couple will have decades of their own personal evolution occurring underneath the current of regular life. Opinions, beliefs, or attitudes that are strongly held at the time of marriage will change. Even if you meet the Perfect Mate (TM), no one stays static for lon…

In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. "Cultural harmony" aside. Lot of quite desperation and Prozac eating. And that's no way to go through life. Maybe being a homeless junkie is slightly worse. Maybe. Ya, man and women are together for sake of kids. Miserable and crazy. Wh…

>In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. [...] Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney.

I don't know what you're talking about. I said nothing about religion, and this whole paragraph is all over the map. I doubt that very many couplings, including obviously bad ones, result in desperation nearing that of "a homeless junkie" as a virtue of themselves.

>The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying individual worth and choice.

I disagree. Please note I said the arrangement should not be compulsory. We have many social obligations that are enforced culturally (at this point, marriage itself could almost be considered among these); such customs can be flaunted at will, but there is social pressure not to do so.

Progenitors are strongly motivated to make good choices on behalf of their offspring because their offspring's interest is simultaneously their own self-interest. Parents and grandparents are much more experienced than your average 20-something and generally much better equipped to make reasonable choices in mate selection, themselves typically having had some experience in the matter.

>How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me!

I agree, and how does this not support what I'm saying?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#197
post #46

Marriage, monogamy, and (romantic) love are conservative notions that are close to being (or should be) marginalized in my opinion. Romantic love, especially, is an extremely superficial and hollow idea exalted to high heavens by the group-think of the masses. I gave up religion, and over the years realized that love is the second, way more sneaky and no less damaging, delusion that humanity indulges in. It has to go…

>Note that I do not buy the silly notion that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and that 'I don't find that person attractive but I'm sure someone else will'. This is somewhat backed by data (e.g., the OKCupid survey), but I have developed this belief on my own. Humans of all races have a built-in instinct to find some visuals more appealing and attractive than others. It is sad but true. To take it to an extreme, if we find some visuals disgusting (e.g., spilled guts, slimy things) we don't all of a sudden go "I'm disgusted by slimy spilled guts of animals, but that's just me, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have the exact opposite reaction, that they love to look at slimy spilled guts".

Physical attractiveness standards are nowhere near as specifically biologically determined as the reaction to "slimy spilled guts." Even just looking at western Europe-derived cultures, the "beautiful female nudes" of art from just a couple of hundred years ago are much heavier and less muscular than those of today. And "I don't find that person attractive but I'm sure someone else will" clearly can apply for cases like hair color preference.

I believe there has been research showing more universal preferences for, for example, bilateral symmetry - but the specifics vary by culture and individual.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#198
post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Would I have consensual sex with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Sure. Would I fall in love with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Well, no, not automatically anyway, I would have to get to know this person first and see how I feel about spending time and do things together. I'd definitely not dump a person I've known and loved for years over a fling with an attractive ce…

> Would I have consensual sex with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Sure. Would you proclaim that at the time of marriage vows? No. (so the whole idea of marriage is either a hypocrisy or a joke). Would you proclaim that when your recent date asks if it's time to go steady? No. (so the whole idea of monogamous relationship is either a hypocrisy or a joke). And the very idea that you have celebr…

>Would you proclaim that at the time of marriage vows? No.

"Freebie lists" (shared lists between couples of people they'd be allowed to cheat with, if the extremely unlikely opportunity arose) are a thing - at least in pop culture.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=freebie%20lis...

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Would I have consensual sex with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Sure. Would you proclaim that at the time of marriage vows? No. (so the whole idea of marriage is either a hypocrisy or a joke). Would you proclaim that when your recent date asks if it's time to go steady? No. (so the whole idea of monogamous relationship is either a hypocrisy or a joke). And the very idea that you have celebr…

> And the very idea that you have celebrity crushes while you claim you're in love with someone flies in the face of the idea of love. How so? This is where you lose me.

I think they're trying to define "being in love" as "never having a romantic or sexual thought about anyone else, ever," and proclaiming the concept of love invalid if it can't meet that threshold.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#200
post #87
post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Respectfully, your argument doesn't hold water because it doesn't look like you understand what being/falling in love is. Sexual attraction is 70%-90% visual appearances and mostly biological, but falling in love is not about sexual urges, it's about happiness. We fall in love with the person that brings happiness and joy to our life by merely spending time together, not necessarily the one we want to ram our genital…

> We fall in love with the person that brings happiness and joy to our life by merely spending time together. If you need to spend time with someone in order to have happiness and joy in your life, you have a problem to solve before you even think about love and dating.

No one said anything about "needing." A person can have happiness and joy in their life while single, yet find another person who adds even more happiness and joy.
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