How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#71

Post by nolepointer » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 9:55 PM UTC

tristor wrote: post #38

This was a very insightful read for me, where I introspected and identified a lot of things I had done wrong myself in relationships. That said, it was also kind of depressing. It seems that one of the greatest unsolved challenges of life is efficient matchmaking, and despite all the technology poured into it we are nowhere close to having a good solution. Swipe-apps (latest generation of matchmaking) are completely…

I haven't done it, but speed dating seems like the best approach. It puts you right in front of a person and, imo, you're less likely to dismiss him/her outright than you would be on the mentioned apps.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#72

Post by morgante » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 9:58 PM UTC

mikebenfield wrote: post #8

1. I have always hated the notion that having a happy marriage is about filtering through many candidates to find the one perfect partner. Although I do think it's reasonable to try to learn early on what you're looking for, this idea that we should all be dramatically expanding our dating pool to find the perfect person is abominable. Look at a city with a massive population of eligible young people, like say NYC..…

> listen to what people in NYC say about the dating scene there

I live in NYC and think the dating scene here is fantastic, at least for someone in their 20s. There's lots of opportunity to meet interesting people and have fun together. This is going to sound silly, but one of my strongest reasons for preferring NYC to SF is the better dating scene.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#73

Post by vilmosi » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:00 PM UTC

peterwwillis wrote: post #17

> But good old society frowns upon that, and people are often still timid to say they met their spouse on a dating site. The respectable way to meet a life partner is by dumb luck, by bumping into them randomly or being introduced to them from within your little pool. Well, yeah. This is how social networks work: similar people group together, people socialize within that group, and they match with people who they ar…

> And so, after eliminating all choices from one's existing in-person social network, people with bad social networking skills look for dates on the internet.

What, no. That's not the kind of people using online dating.

There's people who intentionally want to meet people outside their friends' group (for obvious reasons).

Then there's people who use Uber despite the fact they have a friend who has a car. It's easier.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#74

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:00 PM UTC

mikebenfield wrote: post #37

overcast wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What does getting married, have to do with sharing your early adulthood with a person?

Does this really have to be explained? Persumably you want to get married because you want to share your life with somebody else. If you don't start sharing until you're 40, you've already missed the opportunity to share what are almost certainly the most transformative and significant years of your life. Of course this doesn't mean a later marriage can't be happy and successful too... but it does involve missing out…

[deleted]

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#75

Post by bllguo » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:03 PM UTC

a3_nm wrote: post #64

bllguo wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But from a biological/evolutionary/whatever perspective, isn't not wanting children definitely "wrong"?

What does biology/evolution/whatever have to do with the goals that you choose to set for your own life?

hence why I said "from ... perspective;" I certainly am guilty of engaging in behaviors that are "wrong" from such a perspective

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#76

Post by bhnmmhmd » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:05 PM UTC

cproctor wrote: post #36

mikebenfield wrote: post #8

1. I have always hated the notion that having a happy marriage is about filtering through many candidates to find the one perfect partner. Although I do think it's reasonable to try to learn early on what you're looking for, this idea that we should all be dramatically expanding our dating pool to find the perfect person is abominable. Look at a city with a massive population of eligible young people, like say NYC..…

To put it in terms that might be more familiar around here, obsessing over finding the right partner is like believing that a successful startup is mostly about finding the right idea. (And from there, it will just work out on its own...) Sure, some ideas are more likely to work out a priori, but your success is going to be dramatically influenced by the amount of work you're willing to put into it, your willingness…

Totally agreed. I find the notion of the so-called "soul-mates" a bit absurd. People behave differently when around other people, which means they can adapt to others. Being compatible with each other is a quality which resolves many issues.

I remember a few years ago, I read somewhere that the best girl you should marry is the one who if she were a guy, she'd be your "best friend".

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#77

Post by Mahn » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:07 PM UTC

fizixer wrote: post #46

Marriage, monogamy, and (romantic) love are conservative notions that are close to being (or should be) marginalized in my opinion. Romantic love, especially, is an extremely superficial and hollow idea exalted to high heavens by the group-think of the masses. I gave up religion, and over the years realized that love is the second, way more sneaky and no less damaging, delusion that humanity indulges in. It has to go…

Respectfully, your argument doesn't hold water because it doesn't look like you understand what being/falling in love is. Sexual attraction is 70%-90% visual appearances and mostly biological, but falling in love is not about sexual urges, it's about happiness. We fall in love with the person that brings happiness and joy to our life by merely spending time together, not necessarily the one we want to ram our genitals into.

Most people pursue partners based on sexual urges, sure. But falling in love is a whole other game, and they don't go hand in hand.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#78

Post by bllguo » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:07 PM UTC

vilmosi wrote: post #66

bllguo wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But from a biological/evolutionary/whatever perspective, isn't not wanting children definitely "wrong"?

Well so is eating meat everyday or looking at a screen 30cm away most of the day or not dying from an infection or having hot showers... Who cares at this point, just live your life, you owe nothing to "evolution".

I like this view on it. I can't disagree. I was just saying that there is some merit to being called "evolutionarily broken" for not wanting children. Whether you think that's good or bad or meaningless is another issue

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#79

Post by sliverstorm » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:08 PM UTC

erikpukinskis wrote: post #48

xupybd wrote: post #20

Sounds great if you have lots of options. Some of us are getting older and haven't made it past anyone else's filter. At some point your will to just try and make it work regardless of the match.

The only place I think that really applies is if you're in a small town. If you can't get past the first few dates after trying with 10-20 candidates in a big city (requiring 100-200 solicitations), you're probably facing one of a few very solvable problems, off the top of my head: - fails at basic hygiene (solved by showers, haircuts, clothes, cleaning your room, home improvement projects, eating vegetables, etc) -…

There's maybe a 5th category:

- fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating)

It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#80

Post by losteverything » Mon, Aug 07, 2017, 10:09 PM UTC

djohnston wrote: post #15

im in the honeymoon phase right now. sometimes i get sad thinking about the transience of this phase of the relationship. obviously i shouldn't fixate on that, but it's like this creeping twilight that i wish i could just stave off forever. anyone have tips on doing this?

Tips on this?

The next phases are better. It is the essence of faith that your future will be better than your past. You cant see how,now, but it will. The word confidence will overcome you because of it. Like "The Force"

Buy a ten year journal and jot down stuff. Read it every decade or so.

I read stuff i wrote in 1976 and wonder who wrote it. What was important then isn't now.

Every year gets better- even with things not always going perfectly.

You have a partner for your short time on Earth. As it spins the Earth as roulette wheel keeps randomly picking "a number" to which yours will be chosen.