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Why Parents Hate Parenting

nymag.com

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Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#31

Post by ivankirigin »

I thought this article was a bit better about data http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

I have a 3.3 year old and a 3.5 week old. The trick to not being too pissed off at a 3 year old is to remember that he is just fucking three years old. He isn't going to listen to everything you say. Most things you tell your kid are about long term socialization that he is certain to learn, so don't stress about it.

You don't stress about it, but you do enforce it. You need to get good at not caring about crying. Crying is the sound of weakness leaving their bodies :)

Having a kid is extremely satisfying. I can't imagine I'd be happier without mine. If you average out these opinions across most of society, the amount of information relevant to me approaches nil. So don't not have kids because of some statistic with happiness research.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#32

Post by gcheong »

futuremint wrote: post #6

The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children make your life BIGGER. You feel moments of happiness like you've never felt before. You also feel moments of anger like you've never felt before. It really is indescribable and not for the faint of heart or the selfish. The beautiful thing about parenting is that i…

I can't say I disagree, but I can say from my own experience that you don't need kids to experience and learn everything you mentioned. Having kids probably makes it easier to experience and learn those things as most people are pretty much committed to their kids once they have them, but they are certainly no guarantee and you would not have to look very far to find examples that run counter to your particular experience.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#33

Post by gcheong »

david927 wrote: post #3

It's a lot of work. I think that's exacerbated by modern lifestyles. We're pulled in a thousand directions and we're less likely to live near relatives, which means that the support systems are not there like they used to be. Kids demand you . Simple things like watching them playing is huge for them. If you try to understand what they're saying (already at a few months old), you'll be surprised to find it pretty cog…

"I didn't become parent because I think it will selfishly make me happier. I became a parent because I felt I would have something to offer a child and I wanted to give expression to that."

This is an interesting point. Do you not feel that the expression of this desire will make you happier? Did you adopt your child? If not, then how is the creating of a human life in order for you to fulfill your desire to give what you have to offer to a child anything but selfish? Certainly there were kids that existed before that could have benefitted from your gifts. I don't mean to say you should not have had kids for this reason. I think anyone who desires to have a kid and has the means should do so but I don't see anything different in your desire than that of someone who simply wants kids.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#34

Post by sethg »

The article has these little asides describing a videotaped interaction between a mother and her son...

“I have to get it to the part and then pause it,” says the boy.

“No,” says his mother. “You do that after you do your homework.”

Not that I haven’t been guilty of the same misparenting myself, but.... If you expect that you can ever get an eight-year-old to walk away from a video and do his homework by persuading him, you’re setting yourself up for unhappiness.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#35

Post by pavel_lishin »

junklight wrote: post #9
futuremint wrote: post #6

The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children make your life BIGGER. You feel moments of happiness like you've never felt before. You also feel moments of anger like you've never felt before. It really is indescribable and not for the faint of heart or the selfish. The beautiful thing about parenting is that i…

I so agree with this. The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing. When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for. Children…

Really? Happiness is shallow and consumeristic?

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#36

Post by bobbin »

dasil003 wrote: post #29
bobbin wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think using pain to control a child's behaviour is good parenting. I'm sorry you where abused.

I would never spank my own children, but that's a parenting choice. This societal moralizing about every single aspect of how one should raise their children is a big part of the problem described in the article. For the record, spanking is not necessarily abuse. For you to cite unequivocably that it is is pure unthinking political correctness. Parenting is complicated, psychology is complicated. Is everyone who was…

> This societal moralizing about every single aspect of how one should raise their children is a big part of the problem described in the article.

Well, you are trying to add unearned emphasis with "every single aspect". It's not about "every single aspect", although it is moralizing about compulsion and pain.

> For the record, spanking is not necessarily abuse.

depends of the definition.

> For you to cite unequivocably that it is is pure unthinking political correctness.

You don't know how much though I have put into the subject and calling it political correctness is incorrect unless careing about whether or not people use pain and fear to shape children is just political correctness.

> Parenting is complicated, psychology is complicated

...

> Is everyone who was born before 1950 irretrievably fucked up?

I don't know if "irretrievably", but I think almost everyone is psychologically damaged in some way or another.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#37

Post by [deleted] »

steverb wrote: post #30
bobbin wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Yes, because nature doesn't use pain to teach us ever. That's why I can leave my hand on a hot stove until it turns black. I don't to see how is this an argument. I'm not objecting the notion that people can learn to avoid what causes pain. How is it that what you wrote makes sense and supports your case? (that controlling children through pain is good parenting). > There is a difference between corporal punishment…

All discipline is painful. Whether it's physical pain or emotional pain. I believe, based on purely anecdotal evidence, that physical pain is less harmful to a child's emotional well being. Corporal punishment, if administered properly, is over in an instant, and once the child has been made to understand that what they did is not acceptable (and optionally why, depending on the child's age) then reconciliation betwe…

[deleted]

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#38

Post by metageek »

rada wrote: post #27

As someone who just moved from New York to Minneapolis (15 years in NYC, last year with a newborn) I want to add that a LOT of the unhappiness has to do with the city. It is truly hard to raise a child there for reasons too numerous to discuss here. The writers didn't have to go to Scandinavia for examples of happy parents, they just had to get out of the tri-state area.

Psst. Now that you're not in New York, you don't need to call it "the city".

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#39

Post by junklight »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #35
junklight wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I so agree with this. The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing. When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for. Children…

Really? Happiness is shallow and consumeristic?

That isn't quite what I am saying. I am saying that buying something - or in this case having children - and expecting instant happiness is shallow and consumeristic.

Proper happiness comes from deeper things and while this probably isn't the place to go into it I would argue that its not quite what you should be aiming for - depth of experience and quality of experience are better things to be aiming for to my mind.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#40

Post by gcheong »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #35
junklight wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I so agree with this. The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing. When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for. Children…

Really? Happiness is shallow and consumeristic?

The consumeristic version of happiness is.
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