Why Parents Hate Parenting • Hacker News Board

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#21

Post by jasonlotito » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:08 PM UTC

abstractbill wrote: post #18

jasonlotito wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Very true. My wife and I are lucky, in a way. She's Italian. Like, born Italian, speaks Italian, lives Italian. Okay, she lives in Montreal, but damnit, call her a Frenchy and she'll punch me hard enough in that spot on the arm that she knows will get a reaction. Anyways, we live next door to her great-grandmother (nona), and below her Mother and Father. I swear, her sisters are over often enough that it's normal. He…

On the opposite end of the spectrum: We're expecting our first child in six weeks. My wife's sister lives two hours away... and every other member of our families lives thousands of miles away, in France and the UK. I have to admit it's a little daunting.

It's not as hard as it seems. Patience is key, but it all comes naturally. Really. I was nervous, but honestly, it's rather easy. Yes, having the relatives close by helped.

The best way to look at the situation is to remember that people have been having babies for thousands of years under much more difficult situations.

Just love the child. Everything else comes naturally.

Edit: Oh, and, of course, Congratulations! =)

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#22

Post by milesf » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:17 PM UTC

I feel like a freak.

After reading this article I'm afraid my experience is much different. My wife and I love being parents, and life with our 8 year old son and 6 year old daughter is peaceful and full of laughter most of the time.

It wasn't always this way for me. I grew up in a home that screamed a lot, and most of my family and relatives still live with too much manufactured drama and bad life choices. After I converted to Christianity at the age of 20, I spent the next decade "working out my salvation" before I met and married my wife. We're celebrating our 10th anniversary next week, and I can honestly say my life is fantastic.

I credit a lot of why I've managed to pull off what I have to this book http://amzn.to/9zILXE

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#23

Post by steverb » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:27 PM UTC

milesf wrote: post #22

I feel like a freak. After reading this article I'm afraid my experience is much different. My wife and I love being parents, and life with our 8 year old son and 6 year old daughter is peaceful and full of laughter most of the time. It wasn't always this way for me. I grew up in a home that screamed a lot, and most of my family and relatives still live with too much manufactured drama and bad life choices. After I c…

My wife and I are big fans of that book as well. We have also forced our older children (13, 11) to read the teen version. Useful advice whether you're a Christian or not.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#24

Post by steverb » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:30 PM UTC

bobbin wrote: post #20

bitwize wrote: post #15

A time out in his crib? No wonder she hates parenting. If I threw shit at my parents it would have gotten me the mother of all whoopings.

I don't think using pain to control a child's behaviour is good parenting. I'm sorry you where abused.

Yes, because nature doesn't use pain to teach us ever. That's why I can leave my hand on a hot stove until it turns black.

There is a difference between corporal punishment/discipline and abuse.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#25

Post by fr0sty » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:36 PM UTC

adamhowell wrote: post #19

bitwize wrote: post #15

A time out in his crib? No wonder she hates parenting. If I threw shit at my parents it would have gotten me the mother of all whoopings.

I think you nailed it. Physically abusing your toddler is definitely the key to happy parenting.

I'm pretty sure that was hyperbolic language on the part of the OP.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#26

Post by bobbin » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:40 PM UTC

steverb wrote: post #24

bobbin wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think using pain to control a child's behaviour is good parenting. I'm sorry you where abused.

Yes, because nature doesn't use pain to teach us ever. That's why I can leave my hand on a hot stove until it turns black. There is a difference between corporal punishment/discipline and abuse.

> Yes, because nature doesn't use pain to teach us ever. That's why I can leave my hand on a hot stove until it turns black.

I don't to see how is this an argument. I'm not objecting the notion that people can learn to avoid what causes pain.

How is it that what you wrote makes sense and supports your case? (that controlling children through pain is good parenting).

> There is a difference between corporal punishment/discipline and abuse.

You are right. Abuse is just abuse, and corporal punishment is abuse with the propose of shaping someone's behaviour. There is a difference.

I would agree that someone who does "corporal punishment" can have good intentions.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#27

Post by rada » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:48 PM UTC

As someone who just moved from New York to Minneapolis (15 years in NYC, last year with a newborn) I want to add that a LOT of the unhappiness has to do with the city. It is truly hard to raise a child there for reasons too numerous to discuss here. The writers didn't have to go to Scandinavia for examples of happy parents, they just had to get out of the tri-state area.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#28

Post by Tichy » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:54 PM UTC

This considering a kid to be a project seems to have a lot to do with this. All these ideas of how a kid has to be (and also the perfect family with the perfect family home and the perfect family car). I see it the other way round. I am extremely curious to see what kind of person my kid will turn out to be. Granted, there might be a pang of regret in case he wouldn't show any interest in mathematics or science at all, but I don't see myself fighting over it. And I hated school myself, so honestly, in school vs kid, I would side with the kid.

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#29

Post by dasil003 » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:55 PM UTC

bobbin wrote: post #20

bitwize wrote: post #15

A time out in his crib? No wonder she hates parenting. If I threw shit at my parents it would have gotten me the mother of all whoopings.

I don't think using pain to control a child's behaviour is good parenting. I'm sorry you where abused.

I would never spank my own children, but that's a parenting choice. This societal moralizing about every single aspect of how one should raise their children is a big part of the problem described in the article.

For the record, spanking is not necessarily abuse. For you to cite unequivocably that it is is pure unthinking political correctness. Parenting is complicated, psychology is complicated. Is everyone who was born before 1950 irretrievably fucked up? How many of them got spankings?

Re: Why Parents Hate Parenting

#30

Post by steverb » Wed, Jul 07, 2010, 4:56 PM UTC

bobbin wrote: post #26

steverb wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, because nature doesn't use pain to teach us ever. That's why I can leave my hand on a hot stove until it turns black. There is a difference between corporal punishment/discipline and abuse.

> Yes, because nature doesn't use pain to teach us ever. That's why I can leave my hand on a hot stove until it turns black. I don't to see how is this an argument. I'm not objecting the notion that people can learn to avoid what causes pain. How is it that what you wrote makes sense and supports your case? (that controlling children through pain is good parenting). > There is a difference between corporal punishment…

All discipline is painful. Whether it's physical pain or emotional pain. I believe, based on purely anecdotal evidence, that physical pain is less harmful to a child's emotional well being.

Corporal punishment, if administered properly, is over in an instant, and once the child has been made to understand that what they did is not acceptable (and optionally why, depending on the child's age) then reconciliation between the child and the parent can take place.

Also, keep in mind that different types of discipline are appropriate for different children. I don't think it makes sense to spank a two year old, because they probably wouldn't remember why they were being spanked, but a light slap on the hand when they go to grab that priceless vase is pretty effective. I also don't spank my teen-aged son, but he has had to do his fair share of push-ups while listening to me explain to him the error of his ways.

Now, you may be one of those parents who don't discipline your child at all. More power to you, but bear in mind that if you do not discipline your child and teach them proper from improper behavior, then society WILL do it for you. And the methods society uses are probably going to be much more painful.