My loss • Hacker News Board

Re: My loss

#41

Post by mhb » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 1:27 AM UTC

cageface wrote: post #5

Side note - anybody thinking about getting married should look into the financial implications of getting divorced. It shouldn't stop you, but you should at least understand you're putting at least half of everything you own on the table and potentially more. I think you don't completely understand marriage unless you've been divorced. It may just be confirmation bias but I've been thinking about heading off in a muc…

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

Re: My loss

#42

Post by honopu » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 1:43 AM UTC

fleitz wrote: post #25

honopu wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

do you regret the trip to Burning Man? I've made a few trips to Kaua'i I couldn't necessarily "afford" and haven't regretted it.. which is why I ask. Thank You. edit: seems like you liked it :) Good on you bud.

Not at all. I went to restore my faith in humanity after reading about the gifting culture. It was at a very philosophical point in my life. I decided that if there were people that gave with out asking still left on the planet that I'd find them there, and so with that in mind I put an ad up on CL offering a free ride. It was a great party and I ended up doing a lot of that, but wandering the playa by day and night…

Thank you for the insight. Those people are certainly hard to find..at least as far as I know. :)

Re: My loss

#43

Post by davidmurphy » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 1:51 AM UTC

Yikes.

I've had some absolutely insane things happen to me in the past 12 months, too. Just one horrid thing after another.

Derek, good for you for getting through all this, and thanks for that encouraging last line--that things will be better on the other side.

When you're going through hell, keep going!

Re: My loss

#44

Post by bigsassy » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 1:56 AM UTC

mhb wrote: post #41

cageface wrote: post #5

Side note - anybody thinking about getting married should look into the financial implications of getting divorced. It shouldn't stop you, but you should at least understand you're putting at least half of everything you own on the table and potentially more. I think you don't completely understand marriage unless you've been divorced. It may just be confirmation bias but I've been thinking about heading off in a muc…

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

Because your relationship has reached a point where you're both sacrificing a LOT just to be together. You're planning the rest of your life with the idea that she (or he) will be a part of it. Why? Because you're in love and you wouldn't want a future without the other person.

So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you hit a rough patch.

Re: My loss

#45

Post by blueag » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 2:05 AM UTC

qq66 wrote: post #39

I like the linked "horses" story a lot. "We'll see."

It's an ancient Chinese fable, about blessing/misfortune in disguise. It's enshrined in Chinese chengyu (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chengyu). Here's some info about the fable. http://www.chinese-chengyu.com/saiwengshima-a-blessing-in-di...

Re: My loss

#46

Post by petercooper » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 2:28 AM UTC

fleitz wrote: post #4

Wow. That reminds me of last year. My ex made up phony charges to the police so she could keep more of my money (which the crown had to drop). After work found out they threatened to fire me to negotiate themselves a better position. Lost most of what I had to lawyers fees, lost the rest of it to the market. What I did in response: Lost 60 pounds Met a great, funny, vibrant, intelligent, much thinner and younger woma…

Met a great, funny, vibrant, intelligent, much thinner and younger woman

Because being "much thinner and younger" is what we should celebrate about our new partners.

Re: My loss

#47

Post by cageface » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 2:33 AM UTC

bigsassy wrote: post #44

mhb wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

Because your relationship has reached a point where you're both sacrificing a LOT just to be together. You're planning the rest of your life with the idea that she (or he) will be a part of it. Why? Because you're in love and you wouldn't want a future without the other person. So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you…

So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you hit a rough patch.

Not sure this is really HN fodder but since we're on the subject.

That you give two almost completely diametrically opposed reasons for marriage says a lot about the schizophrenia of the institution. Marriage is simultaneously an expression of love and solidarity and a business contract with the potential for extremely stiff penalties in breach. It's the ultimate "trust but verify" of human relationships. The longer you ponder this the stranger the whole idea seems.

Re: My loss

#48

Post by cageface » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 2:38 AM UTC

petercooper wrote: post #46

fleitz wrote: post #4

Wow. That reminds me of last year. My ex made up phony charges to the police so she could keep more of my money (which the crown had to drop). After work found out they threatened to fire me to negotiate themselves a better position. Lost most of what I had to lawyers fees, lost the rest of it to the market. What I did in response: Lost 60 pounds Met a great, funny, vibrant, intelligent, much thinner and younger woma…

Met a great, funny, vibrant, intelligent, much thinner and younger woman Because being "much thinner and younger" is what we should celebrate about our new partners.

Because being "much thinner and younger" is what we should celebrate about our new partners.

The Western notion of romantic love papers over a lot of the primate realities. His ex probably thought she'd be trading him in for somebody more alpha so I don't begrudge him his success in an ironic turnabout.

What people think should be true about relationships tends to get in the way of what is true about relationships.

Re: My loss

#49

Post by ars » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 2:39 AM UTC

mhb wrote: post #41

cageface wrote: post #5

Side note - anybody thinking about getting married should look into the financial implications of getting divorced. It shouldn't stop you, but you should at least understand you're putting at least half of everything you own on the table and potentially more. I think you don't completely understand marriage unless you've been divorced. It may just be confirmation bias but I've been thinking about heading off in a muc…

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

You are not marrying another person. You are marrying the other half of YOU. And not your better half either, simply your other half. It's not about love either. Love (as commonly used) lasts 3 years. Don't marry for love or you'll get divorced in 3 years. There needs to be a deeper, quieter, but more constant emotion.

Re: My loss

#50

Post by gord » Sun, Jul 04, 2010, 2:42 AM UTC

mhb wrote: post #41

cageface wrote: post #5

Side note - anybody thinking about getting married should look into the financial implications of getting divorced. It shouldn't stop you, but you should at least understand you're putting at least half of everything you own on the table and potentially more. I think you don't completely understand marriage unless you've been divorced. It may just be confirmation bias but I've been thinking about heading off in a muc…

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified. Its a better fit to reality : people living longer, large proportion divorcing after 5 years, sequential marriages to different people.

"I love you darling, will you spend the next 12 years with me to raise a child together?".

This is not purely cynical... I think its so cool when two people who have been married for 15 years decide to celebrate with second marriage ceremony to launch them into the next 15.

The time commitment should set the financial arrangements when you divorce - Ending a life long marriage might split 50/50 whereas ending a 10yr marriage might confer a 15% mix of wealth shared.