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Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

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Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#101

Post by contingencies »

seales wrote: post #89
contingencies wrote: post #72

I have moved a lot during my career (Oz/China/Thailand/Europe/US, 8+ cities, now 35) and frequently that meant arriving in a new country or city with zero friends, family or support network and making do, so consider myself well schooled in this problem. The de-facto approach is drinking. Drinking is a great way to meet people but it is often skewed toward young to middle aged people without family so can get old/tir…

Would you mind sharing how you managed to move so much as well as its impact on your career?

Skipped university. Made my own opportunities where there were none otherwise. Favoured cheap places. My career had very little to do with where I was physically.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#102

Post by AndrewKemendo »

I don't think there is a solution to this other than a significant lifestyle or personality change.

Some people are personable and extroverted and are surrounded by people that want to be around them. For the rest of us it doesn't come naturally. I would suggest just becoming comfortable with it.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#104

Post by itbeho »

I still struggle with loneliness from time to time. A sporting activity can help. In my case, I started sailing. I couldn't afford a boat of my own at the time (1994, I couldn't afford much of anything then to be honest), but the local yacht club is volunteer oriented and easy to join. I was able to sail club boats and that made it easy to interact with other people with a similar interest. The volunteer aspect meant I was frequently paired up with someone else helping out with club functions. Obviously it doesn't have to be sailing, but getting outdoors with an activity that involves teamwork can really help.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#105

Post by SergeAx »

muzuq wrote: post #78
mathgenius wrote: post #74

Two more ideas from me: 1) Toastmasters. This is like alcoholics anonymous for people that are addicted to shyness. And very likely there will be some people there that are even more quiet and introverted than you are. 2) Social dancing. I'm guessing you are male, in which case you will be in high demand. Even if you are overweight & ugly as sin, if you can keep a beat then the girls are gonna want some. If you are a…

It seems like dancing is a super popular suggestion. I keep saying to myself that I'd be no good and it'd be embarassing, not to mention I'm not (never have been) a "dancer" but I'm thinking this swarm intellect might have a point... And perhaps I should seriously consider signing up for a beginner dance class. Any reason why Tango is where the nerds end up?

Here's ~5 years tango dancer @ HN :) From where I am now tango actually seems an unnatural choice for nerds. Of all the social dances tango is one of the most intimate in terms of personal space, which makes any nerd nervous and clumsy. On the other hand, it seems like one of the least physically demanding - check out Buenos-Aires 70+ grandpas on YouTube. I think it is a combination of two: crave for intimacy plus actual ability to imagine oneself as a hero of those videoclips, as opposed to fit and dexterous lads from swing and boogie-woogie, or half-naked machos from salsa, kizomba and bachata :)

There is also a point of general availability. When you check out your typical dance studio around the corner, there are salsa, hustle, swing and tango. Of those aforementioned tango seems most promising from romantic point of view.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#106

Post by hpcjoe »

Also an introvert to some degree, and I've worked hard at overcoming this so I am indistinguishable from an extrovert. Working in front facing customer support, sales, marketing, management, fund raising ... yeah ... introvert is a bit harder for those things. So I had to adapt.

I've been working out at a gym for many years (semi-social, makes easy conversations possible with like minded people, though you have to worry about people with ear-buds whom don't want to be disturbed), karate (very social, good strong local friend group now ... go to dinner with them, go to events with them, all help each other).

I had in the past done various meetups (many years ago), to get conversations going.

I recommend getting a nice friendly dog; labrador breeds are great. I have a Chesapeake Bay retriever mix as as a rescue ... wonderful companion, and excellent conversation starter when I walk him. Very friendly, rarely barks ... he's a rescue, and had a terrible life before we adopted him.

The dog part is tremendously helpful BTW. When my wife and daughter are out, I can sit on my couch reading a book, and he'll hop up next to me for comfort. I'll talk to him, and happily, most of the time he doesn't answer ... though he knows enough words (treat, cheese, bone, walk, trot, outside, play), that I'm rarely really ever alone.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#108

Post by hackerboos »

companyhen wrote: post #95
zapperdapper wrote: post #69

Go to Bangkok. Find a Starbucks. Order your drink of choice. Within 30 minutes you will be chatted up by a girl. Enjoy! p.s. This happened to me back in 2003. We were together for three years. Got addicted to the lifestyle in Thailand - eating out with friends every night, going out to the islands, beaches, diving, golf, malls etc. I worked remotely. My g/f had a lot of friends too. It was a lot of fun. Beats eating…

I was in Thailand for 3+ months (Jan to April) and worked in coffee shops and co-working spaces M-F usually 10-5 and never was approached by a girl at a coffee shop. Was my first time outside North America. I had good success dating there on Tinder though! I'd actually get daily matches there, where back in the US I get none. The only issue I had was sometimes the girl I met could type English well, but had trouble w…

Thailand's a notoriously conservative country despite its international reputation.

Far more likely to get chatted up in the West than there.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#110

Post by bluehat »

mathgenius wrote: post #74

Two more ideas from me: 1) Toastmasters. This is like alcoholics anonymous for people that are addicted to shyness. And very likely there will be some people there that are even more quiet and introverted than you are. 2) Social dancing. I'm guessing you are male, in which case you will be in high demand. Even if you are overweight & ugly as sin, if you can keep a beat then the girls are gonna want some. If you are a…

Another fan of Toastmasters here. If you're local to the Bay Area, my friend runs a kind and impressive chapter in Mountain View. They are called the Sierra 49ers.
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