Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 130 posts

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#51

Post by Jaruzel »

napsterbr wrote: post #28
fern12 wrote: post #4

I'm an introvert. There's a saying, "You're never alone with a good book." For me, that's certainly the case. If you're not a bookworm, try audiobooks. Also, I love dogs (probably more than most people). They're loyal, do not judge (unless you have a treat), and live in the moment - what more could one ask for?:) Animals can provide a lot of companionship.

Oh, definitely, a dog will change your life. I can't imagine mine without my Phoebe. I even made her a website: https://phoebetheceo.com It does come with a lot of responsibility, and that agonizing certainty that you'll grieve your pet after some 10 years of great companion.

Dude, as a fellow pool owner, I feel I must point out that you should never let anyone or any animal play on-top of a summer cover like that. It's fast-track method to drowning... :(

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#52

Post by arunaugustine »

muzuq wrote: post #7
Beamer92 wrote: post #3

Pick up a sport/hobby with a social aspect. Many cities (I'm assuming you live in a populated area) have City League sports you can simply sign up for, pay a fee, then get put on a team. You can join a low level (or high level if you're competitive) dodgeball team, or soccer, or basically whatever strikes your fancy, then meet some new friends. It also gets you out of the house once a week or more with some new faces…

Thanks for the ideas. I've thought about it, but I.. I hate sports. I'll poke around for some non-sport related hobby groups, perhaps.

One suggestion I have is to choose more artsy hobbies than techy ones. The artistic gathering of people whether it is drum circles, cooking classes, Zumba classes, group salsa lessons or surf lessons emphasizes connections to other human beings while learning to be in the "flow" more so than perhaps tech centric hobbies like a model rocket club, language/dev meetups etc.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#53

Post by mlsarecmg »

Having had a similar phase in my life, the thing that helped me was philosophy and esoteric psychology. Especially: http://gnosticteachings.org/courses/gnostic-meditation.html

People speak about thoughts, emotions and actions as if they knew what they are or how they are gestated. "I AM mad!", "Because I THOUGHT that ...", "I do FEEL alone", etc.

They think they are behind their thoughts, emotions and actions, that they ARE what they think, feel and do, and nothing could be further from the truth and it is the easiest thing in the world to evaluate it because they couldn't stop thinking for a minute even if their life depended on it.

And this is the gravest error we commit, to believe we are in conscious control and therefore solving problems seems abstract or even impossible to us. As they've said in older times "if you know not that you are asleep, you cannot wake."

See once for yourself the reality of how unconscious awareness leads to chains of thoughts running completely on their own without the involvement of will or participation, leading to mechanical emotions and mechanical action.

See this happening and something is evoked, the capacity to act against yourself or the inner urge that drives you to behave in a certain way, the unconscious machine that merely reacts to impressions outside and inside. It becomes possible to act free of constraints where otherwise you would merely re-act according to how you think or feel or are accustomed to.

Philosophy called it the paradox of free will. From there on problems actually can be solved because inner change is possible and feasible. If you understand that the outside is merely the reflection of your inner state, everything can change radically.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#54

Post by nils-m-holm »

scotty79 wrote: post #50

Talk about your loneliness with anonymous strangers in the chatrooms. Reiterate your pain points to them. Never reveal your identity, never meet them. You are not looking to make a connection. The goal is to get bored with what ails you. After telling about why you feel bad 20 times to 20 different people your brain gets bored with this narrative. Then it moves on to more interesting things and you stop feeling bad.…

> Remember, loneliness is not being alone. It's feeling bad about it.

I agree with the first part, but not with the second.

IMO, loneliness is not feeling bad about being alone, it is suffering from being alone. All four combinations of alone/lonely are more or less common.

Personally, I find the "not alone/lonely" combination hardest to take: feeling alone among people. Realizing that made me spend more time on my own and being less lonely as a consequence. Still, nothing helps when really feeling lonely, except meeting someone who does not make you feel even more lonely.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#55

Post by J-dawg »

1337biz wrote: post #35
ThrustVectoring wrote: post #18

Don't cope with it - fix the problem. Emotions are designed to tell you important facts about the word. Pain tells you that there's ongoing physical harm that you ought to avoid, anger tells you that you're in an appropriate position to start or threaten to start a physical fight, grief tells you that you temporarily need to get the support of the tribe as you adjust to your loss, and so forth. What loneliness tells…

>Swipe on a few Tinder profiles and see if you can strike up a conversation. I would strongly advice against that. Research has shown that the use of Tinder decreases the self-worthyness of in particular male users.

I strongly agree with this. Internet dating generally has become a toxic experience for men. It definitely increased my feelings of loneliness.

Anyone who is already lonely or lacking self-esteem should stay well away.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#57

Post by mindhash »

My situation is a bit different. I work from home, it's gets really lonely at times. i focus on activities. I go out on bike, join biking groups on weekends once in a while, take long walks, go hiking with friends, play soccer on weekends, and ride a motorcycle. Through activities I have something to look forward and that's the basis of life. I do meet passing crowd through activities though only a few continue to be in touch.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#58

Post by J-dawg »

gaspoda wrote: post #56

Forget about introversion vs extraversion. Its waste of time. Learn about attachement theory.

> Forget about introversion vs extraversion. Its waste of time.

What makes you say that? I ask because I've also become slightly sceptical of the idea. Is there real, empirical evidence for people being one or the other?

I remember hearing someone on a podcast (I think it was Ramit Sethi) talking about "Introvert Porn", where he's saying there's all this stuff online basically reassuring introverts that it's part of who they are and there's no point trying to change. The reality is that (in his opinion) social skills can be learned, and social interaction becomes less tiring when your social skills are better.

I'd love to hear any arguments for or against the introvert vs. extrovert theory, because I feel like I'm still making up my mind. I've always felt like an introvert, but I'd prefer to think of it as something that's in my power to change.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#59

Post by maxsavin »

The big thing I've learned is that loneliness is simply your brain signaling you to go meet people - it's natural and there's nothing wrong with it. Meeting people is hard though - but there are plenty of ways to do it, especially now with internet. It does require a set of skills, though, just like everything else. I've found therapy can really help develop and tune them.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#60

Post by maxsavin »

J-dawg wrote: post #58
gaspoda wrote: post #56

Forget about introversion vs extraversion. Its waste of time. Learn about attachement theory.

> Forget about introversion vs extraversion. Its waste of time. What makes you say that? I ask because I've also become slightly sceptical of the idea. Is there real, empirical evidence for people being one or the other? I remember hearing someone on a podcast (I think it was Ramit Sethi) talking about "Introvert Porn", where he's saying there's all this stuff online basically reassuring introverts that it's part of…

Introversion and extroversion is really a scale, but most people use it in a binary way. Plus, it varies by the context.

It has also taken on it's own social meaning. For example, shyness is often associated with introversion and that may not be the right way to look at it.

Post reply on HN