Hey The tech meetup is good idea try it do something communal that is interesting
Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
21–30 of 130 posts
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#22I started to play games, with voice. Join clans, talk to strangers. After some time I was hanging out in raidcall room just to talk.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#23Don't cope with it - fix the problem. Emotions are designed to tell you important facts about the word. Pain tells you that there's ongoing physical harm that you ought to avoid, anger tells you that you're in an appropriate position to start or threaten to start a physical fight, grief tells you that you temporarily need to get the support of the tribe as you adjust to your loss, and so forth. What loneliness tells…
I don't agree that you can "fix" emotions [or, say, remove an emotion by eradicating all sources], rather than cope with them. But, I think you raise a really valid point. I need to start doing, rather than thinking about it. This post, albeit inconsequential, was my first step in "doing" something about it. I've been alone for years. I've never admitted it. I'm reaching out. I just need to.. Scale up. Thanks for the…
The problem isn't that you feel lonely, the problem is that you aren't getting the necessary amount of social contact and stimuli.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#24Love for solitude is a great gift, I think. I used to be stuck between introversion and extroversion; on one hand I did things better on my own, on the other I sought validation from others, all the time. Guilt only amplified this problem. It was pretty toxic, and took many years to sort out .. it's only recently that I can feel 'substantial' enough to enjoy my own company. (I feel that this is actually an illusion, but a much needed one to save my own sanity!)
But you're right; we're social animals and will never get away with complete solitude. It sounds that you do enjoy your own company, but need the occasional 'break' from yourself. You mentioned that you have a handful of friends? Focus on them, even though you may feel that it's tedious.
I know that "going out and meet new people" is cliche but it's so true that it's a great first step. Try meetup.com to find out events that you might be interested in. Don't just go for tech, try a new crazy thing, oh and hiking ;) Sunning your face and relaxing your eyes over vast expanses can do wonders to the soul, I find.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#25Pick up a sport/hobby with a social aspect. Many cities (I'm assuming you live in a populated area) have City League sports you can simply sign up for, pay a fee, then get put on a team. You can join a low level (or high level if you're competitive) dodgeball team, or soccer, or basically whatever strikes your fancy, then meet some new friends. It also gets you out of the house once a week or more with some new faces…
Thanks for the ideas. I've thought about it, but I.. I hate sports. I'll poke around for some non-sport related hobby groups, perhaps.
To add to the GP: you might consider trying ultimate frisbee. The barrier to entry for a city league is really low (little athletic ability and no domain knowledge required) and many players tend to be technical people: I know several software devs who play frequently. In addition, the community is the most welcoming and least disparaging I've ever seen in any organization, bar none.
If you're really really not into athletic pursuits, I would second meetup.com for your interests. You also might check to see if your city has any bars/restaurants focused around board games or trivia. Those are also great for meeting new friends.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#26Thanks for this question. I think many people will be curious about the comments here.
In my case, I have stopped thinking about it. Admittedly, some days it's not so easy, but the next day it's gone. What can I say. Some people like parties, others like strange things, and we like to be alone.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#27Find a hobby or pursue the ones you’ve got. No, not the React/node.js meetup, ya dork, something not tech related. Here are the places or hobbies I frequent where I could make new friends if I wanted to:
1. Local animal shelter. They always need someone to walk dogs. Personally I’m married, but were I single and looking for someone (in my case, female), oh man, it makes a great filter if you like animals. And the asshole ratio of folks I’ve met at animals is pretty darned low. On a related note, many in these comments suggest a pet. Know that a pet, especially a dog, is a lot of time and responsibility, and not to be taken lightly. Where do you all those animals at the animal shelter come from? Not a “child” level of responsibility, but my dogs take up a substantial part of my day.
2. Bluegrass jam, or any casual music circle thing. The people you meet are also people you might spend a weekend camping with because you end up at music festivals together. Gotta learn an instrument, though. And one one will occasionally run into the “gotta be better than everyone else and make sure they know it” asshole, but rarely. Usually a pretty mellow bunch, and the good ones let their playing, not their mouth, speak for their skills.
3. Some kind of sport, like running or cycling, or even beach volleyball I guess. Caution: could be assholes a’plenty if you get in the wrong group. I prefer runners, as they’re generally a more laid back group. Try trail running if you like it so laid back you’ll smell pot smoke before a race.
Those are the three things I regularly participate in where me might meet people (including a romantic partner), and generally nice people at that. Extrapolate to your own tastes and interests.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#28I'm an introvert. There's a saying, "You're never alone with a good book." For me, that's certainly the case. If you're not a bookworm, try audiobooks. Also, I love dogs (probably more than most people). They're loyal, do not judge (unless you have a treat), and live in the moment - what more could one ask for?:) Animals can provide a lot of companionship.
Oh, definitely, a dog will change your life. I can't imagine mine without my Phoebe. I even made her a website: https://phoebetheceo.com
It does come with a lot of responsibility, and that agonizing certainty that you'll grieve your pet after some 10 years of great companion.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#29Here's something that worked for me: all of a sudden I got this crazy interest in airsoft. Bought a gun and joined locals who get together every week to shoot at themselves. This is just an example, but the concept is great: find a hobby. You'll then find people with very similar interest, and hanging out with them is a lot easier.
Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness
#30You need a hobby outside the computer world, something you cannot automate, like fishing or sailing, to meet different people and share the passion