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How to make a friend fast

happyturtlethings.net

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Re: How to make a friend fast

#221

Post by Mz »

mmmpop wrote: post #105
joshlemer wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It sounds like you just have a thing against explicitly planning the process of making friends.

Well, going to a place where you feel you'll find like-minded folks is a totally different scenario than going to a bar with a script. At my coworking space we're next door to a total sales guy that asks, seemingly earnestly, the same damned questions about whomever's life on the other end on every call. I literally cannot believe he actually cares that much though he really puts on a show. I won't lie, I wish I had…

I tend to actually care about other people and to be genuinely interested. That doesn't mean that all chatty extraverts are like that, but someone being different from you is not proof they are just faking it either.

Though for me personally that does create questions of how to balance the fact that I genuinely care with things like time limits and the fact that other people typically care about my welfare vastly less than I care about theirs. The fact that I tend to genuinely care about other people has gotten me taken advantage of at times. I am more careful these days about trying to vet people and make sure they aren't all "Yay! Freebies! This dumb bitch is just giving it away and I am going to take all I can, as long as I can, then disappear if she expects something in return."

Re: How to make a friend fast

#222

Post by icebraining »

enraged_camel wrote: post #210
Danihan wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or it's extremely soothing because you're never surprised by anyone's selfish intentions...

I don't see how second-guessing everyone's motivations and looking for hidden motives in every single thing they say or do can be "soothing", but to each his own.

It's the Scout's motto applied to interpersonal relationships. It can be soothing in the same way that keeping an emergency kit can be soothing.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#224

Post by Dove »

Personally, I find the recipe of kindness, honesty, laughter, generosity, loyalty, plus a bit of magic to be both practically effective and somewhat philosophically profound.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#226

Post by pbhjpbhj »

novia wrote: post #187
Tepix wrote: post #182

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How did it come to pass?

One of the other three suggested it, not sure why, and then we did it. For each question we would take turns answering it. We were allowed to say, "Pass," if the question made us too uncomfortable or, if we couldn't think of a good answer fast enough, we could pass and come back to it after everyone else had answered. We were already at the level of acquaintances, close enough to be at the same location, hanging out,…

Did you hang out with other groups of people who you're no longer friends with?

I wonder also if it might be commitment to the experience as much as the experience itself that affirms the bond and establishes a platform for ongoing friendship.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#227

Post by aninhumer »

Mz wrote: post #216
aninhumer wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And I think this is exactly the problem. People who are already socially confident don't think about these processes because they just happen naturally for them. You meet someone, chat with them, and then sometimes you become friends. So when someone comes along and outlines the process, it seems clinical and detached, and thus kinda creepy. Certainly it was my reaction when I first started seeing things like this. "…

Actually, I think and read about these processes a lot. I have taken intro to psychology, social psychology and a class on negotiation and conflict management. I find social stuff fascinating and I love to study it. But it takes 15 to 20 hours a week to establish and maintain a genuinely close relationship. Forty five minutes is barely a down payment on that. I have known "players" and how they operate. They are good…

I think I misunderstood your comment. I read "talking for 45mins isn't a big deal" to mean it's not that hard so people should just do it rather than planning it, but it sounds like you meant it doesn't mean much in terms of friendship. (And based on other replies to you, it seems like a lot of people made a similar mistake.)

I don't disagree with that, and I do agree that some people seem way too interested in getting to sex rather than actually forming friendships. But my point is that some people really do struggle with the social interaction involved in forming relationships (even platonic) and we shouldn't write off articles like this as inherently about manipulation. (Especially since there are plenty of articles that are overtly about that.)

Re: How to make a friend fast

#230

Post by Mz »

aninhumer wrote: post #227
Mz wrote: post #216

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Actually, I think and read about these processes a lot. I have taken intro to psychology, social psychology and a class on negotiation and conflict management. I find social stuff fascinating and I love to study it. But it takes 15 to 20 hours a week to establish and maintain a genuinely close relationship. Forty five minutes is barely a down payment on that. I have known "players" and how they operate. They are good…

I think I misunderstood your comment. I read "talking for 45mins isn't a big deal" to mean it's not that hard so people should just do it rather than planning it, but it sounds like you meant it doesn't mean much in terms of friendship. (And based on other replies to you, it seems like a lot of people made a similar mistake.) I don't disagree with that, and I do agree that some people seem way too interested in getti…

Someone said to me about me "Sounds like you have a thing..." I rebutted that by saying, no, I have a long history of close relationships. Forty five minutes is not a big flipping deal.

And now there are down votes and all kinds of assumptions about me and what I intended. I don't know why that is. Given the context of my remark, it should be obvious that my only intent was to rebut someone basically talking trash about me.

It isn't manipulative to spend 45 minutes talking to someone because you are lonely or you are genuinely interested in them or they happened to say "hi" and you happen to be a chatty sort. But the world would be a vastly better place if this were not routinely mistaken for being more than it is. People routinely act like "It engendered feelings in me, so this must be True Love (or you must be my new BFF)!" And that tends to go bad places because neither person knows the other well enough for it to actually be the basis for a serious relationship. Then folks get married or pregnant or start imposing expectations on the other party that the other party did not expect and does not want and the result is usually some kind of drama.

Healthy relationships take some time to feel out. Jumping into things tends to go bad places.

Pick up artists know that many people are not that socially and emotionally savvy and they take advantage of it. I know that many people are not that socially and emotionally savvy and I try to educate people in hopes of seeing a down tick of general drama in the world at large.

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