The modern, scaled-up, cost-effective way of doing support seems to be:
1) Tell them to restart their PC.
2) Tell them to restart their PC again.
3) Hope they go away, as the amount of revenue they bring simply isn't worth the engineering hours. In your behemoth organization, having an engineer look at a ticket costs around $18000 in internal billing.
4) Wait. Tell them to reinstall the software, and restart their PC.
5) Offer to refund their money. Hope they take the hint, and go away.
6) Wait.
7) Close the ticket with a vague excuse, such as "Missing contact details", or "We've released a new .version since this was opened."
If, and only if, the customer manages to write a blog post funny enough to reach the front page of Reddit/HN/Whatnot, the ticket will be seen by someone in the development organization, not the support organization.
After this, things start to happen. Possibly even someone from VP-level promises to fix bad communication between the support organization, and the development one. They proceed to fix this bad communication by terminating communication completely.