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How to make a friend fast

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Re: How to make a friend fast

#101

Post by mmmpop »

Danihan wrote: post #91
mariodiana wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know if you're familiar with the title (it's a classic on the subject), but my understanding is that, in China, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is sold under the title: "The Weaknesses of Human Nature." One more anecdote about that book. In his Playboy interview, Marlon Brando referred to it as "a book on hustling." I bring this up because for some crazy reason, in the United States,…

Most people are nowhere near interesting enough to develop a genuine interest in.

I would agree entirely because I recognized this sometime in my early 20s and never looked back. Now I have a very, very select handful of friends that are all incredible people, but can't get along easily with 4 out of 5 people... I think mostly because I'm suspicious of why they're being personable and talking to me right now. Hell, I think Dale Carnagie made me so jaded I can't function in society, but that's mostly on me.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#102

Post by fragmede »

teirce wrote: post #33
Animats wrote: post #17

That reads like the instructions on pick-up artist forums.

Really? Does it? "Find a person, learn about each other's personal lives, gradually escalate," sounds like some 'the red-pill' nonsense to you?

That phrase is easily modified to take on a darker tone: "find a person, learn about each other's personal lives, gradually escalate to sleeping with them" makes me cautious. The very notion that it's possible for one person to engineer closeness has echoes within the pickup artist community, so it's worth unpacking the differences.

If one person has zero interest in the other person past as a means to a very specific end (sex), and is wholly untruthful about that, then it veers away from scientific study of friendship and closeness.

Taking it a step further: "find a person, learn about their personal life, exploit their weaknesses, escalate to sleeping with them" is definitely red-pill territory, and while it might be unfair to judge the original phrase after being modified, the only difference is the knowledge and intentions of one party within an unchanged process.

"Learning about each other's personal lives" has a strong assumption that the stories themselves are truthful and without pretense past a socially-acceptable normal level as human beings.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#103

Post by mmmpop »

enraged_camel wrote: post #30
ams6110 wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah I'm not German (except by ancestry) and I get really uncomfortable when conversations go like that. Why is this guy trying to convince me he's such a great dad? What's his angle with that? I would definitely not take something like that as a sincere "personal disclosure" from someone I'd never met. I'd take it as more like a greasy salesman tactic.

I guess if you're a cynical person you will look for an "angle" in everything people say or do. Living life like that must be miserable.

As a cynic, yeah it sucks, but a lot of time it develops as a defense mechanism and feels like it can be defeated with a lot of soul-searching, self-improvement, and just trying.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#104

Post by sgustard »

slackingoff2017 wrote: post #84
Mz wrote: post #61

Does that mean that some close, naturally-forming relationships don't get nurtured as lovingly as was achieved in a 45-minute conversation? As one more random data point: I am a chatty extravert. Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not. Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

That's one of the attachment types referenced in the original article. "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious.E...

Re: How to make a friend fast

#105

Post by mmmpop »

joshlemer wrote: post #82
Mz wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah: "How to create the delusion of closeness to get her out of her panties. Step one..."

It sounds like you just have a thing against explicitly planning the process of making friends.

Well, going to a place where you feel you'll find like-minded folks is a totally different scenario than going to a bar with a script. At my coworking space we're next door to a total sales guy that asks, seemingly earnestly, the same damned questions about whomever's life on the other end on every call. I literally cannot believe he actually cares that much though he really puts on a show.

I won't lie, I wish I had that talent...

Re: How to make a friend fast

#106

Post by pravda »

pasbesoin wrote: post #12

Here's the paper cited in the lower left corner of the graphic (and in the text above, I now see): https://psychodramaaustralia.edu.au/sites/default/files/fall... which only caught my eye because of the "A. Aron" author. I'm almost certain this is the husband of Elaine Aron, who launched the identification, qualifier, and description of the "Highly Sensitive Person" (HSP). http://hsperson.com/ Arthur's paper is dated…

> http://hsperson.com/

So I went there, and read the 8 bullet points under "Is this you?" and then I thought, well yeah, that applies to everyone!

Here's one: "Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?"

That's a "Barnum Statement" [1]

[1]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barnum_effect#.22Barnum_statem...

Re: How to make a friend fast

#107

Post by mmmpop »

threepipeproblm wrote: post #2

Hmm, I guess 'extrovert' is an acceptable spelling nowadays, even though it's the wrong Latin root.

In English, spelling is so seemingly arbitrary at times that I just gave up and quit caring so much. Judgment? Judgement? Who cares?! I won't budge on my thoughts on the importance of proper grammar though.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#108

Post by wollstonecraft »

mariodiana wrote: post #50
ams6110 wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah I'm not German (except by ancestry) and I get really uncomfortable when conversations go like that. Why is this guy trying to convince me he's such a great dad? What's his angle with that? I would definitely not take something like that as a sincere "personal disclosure" from someone I'd never met. I'd take it as more like a greasy salesman tactic.

I don't know if you're familiar with the title (it's a classic on the subject), but my understanding is that, in China, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is sold under the title: "The Weaknesses of Human Nature." One more anecdote about that book. In his Playboy interview, Marlon Brando referred to it as "a book on hustling." I bring this up because for some crazy reason, in the United States,…

Did not believe this until http://www.renxingruodian.com/

Re: How to make a friend fast

#109

Post by warent »

mistermann wrote: post #88
Mz wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You fear people will imagine you are close? Or you fear people won't feel close to you when you feel close?

Being unable to tell the difference between someone that likes you versus someone who is just being polite, and if you consider them a "friend" and act "accordingly" they would consider you a socially incompetent weirdo.

I've felt the same concern and still do from time to time. The truth is relationships are a mixed bag and people are all different. Some people really will think you're a socially incompetent weirdo. Other people will wonder if you're thinking that about them. And some people will just find you to be a likeable person.

Ultimately if/when some other people don't like you, well, that doesn't define who you are as a person or that you need to be fixed. It's just not the right fit between you, and that's nobody's fault. It's going to happen, and it only matters as much as you decide it matters. It really doesn't need to matter!

Be yourself, focus less on your perceived shortcomings/insecurities, and focus more on improving other people's day.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#110

Post by shmerl »

abstractbeliefs wrote: post #66
kharms wrote: post #59

Does anyone know what is meant by "high ego identities" and "low ego identities?"

The important bit is the bit in between, in parentheses: "ego affects comfort level". Are you feeling big and developed enough to talk to someone of the opposite sex? While ideally it would make no difference, it's certainly the truth that many of us are happier to engage socially with those of the same sex than those who aren't.

I think they mix up ego with confidence, Those aren't the same thing at all.
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