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Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

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Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#71

Post by peoplewindow »

fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #57
zabana wrote: post #45

Not judging you but it could just be that you might come across as """creepy""" (notice the three pairs of quotes here). The issue is that you're in a hyper sensitive environment with hyper sensitive people. If you try and initiate a conversation with certain women (even to be polite because you dgaf about them) that dislike you, it can be considered """pushy""" and/or """creepy""" (even though there's no objective p…

Thanks for your commend and advice! Definitely looking forward to keeping my head low and seeing how much more I can accomplish in these next few months I have left. I believe I fall into the socially-awkward/inexperienced category. Are there any resources you could suggest to learn more about social dynamics?

Observe, watch. And be aware that these things aren't really fair or systematic. Like the guy says, exactly the same behaviour can be interpreted as creepy or giggle-inducing depending on whether the guy doing it is attractive, confident, successful etc.

You sound like you're not confident and as you're an intern, you're not financially successful either. So the bar for you to be not """creepy""" to use ops phrasing is a sadly a lot higher.

Frankly I'd suggest watching a lot of comedy shows and soaps. Your issue probably isn't anything you specifically did, it sounds like you just need to get better at small talk so attempts to be sociable come off as suitably casual. Women like guys who are relaxed, confident, funny and whose conversations are a little bit surprising (but in a good way). Nobody can teach you that with conventional methods but watching how well scripted characters do it on TV can help you get into the groove.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#72

Post by fjfkdjfjfjd »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #46

By your own description it sounds it is founded, asking what you're up to this weekend is a lead in to asking for a date. I get that wasn't your intent, but that doesn't matter, does it? Others have said find another job, that sounds like a good ideas. I probably wouldn't put this internship on my employment history. And seriously, your 20's are for getting laid as much as you can. Are you? Because if you're not (out…

In hindsight, I realize that such a question about weekend plans could be taken the wrong way. I was ultimately trying to be cordial, not to make anyone (male or female) feel I was leading on to them.

On your last point, I am still a virgin now in my early-mid 20s. Never had a girlfriend or been in much of any romantic relationship. I met a girl while traveling, got her info and really connected after we were thousands of miles away over the Internet for a few months, which eventually faded. During college, I chose work and studying over a social life, and in hindsight, I kind of regret it. I definitely feel I am very socially underdeveloped/inexperienced and would love to know how to develop in this area.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#73

Post by chrisbennet »

"The extent of my non-work-related conversation with female employees has been saying hello/goodbye and making small talk on occasion (How long have you been with the company? Do you have travel plans for this summer? Are you doing anything fun this weekend?) I realize some of these questions could be viewed as hitting on someone, but that was not my intention, and believe that question was cleared up once they responded to me that they were going to see their boyfriend/girlfriend."

When someone feels like they are being "hit on" and they have a boy/girlfriend, a go to move is to mention something that indicates that they have a b/gfriend as a way to rebuff the approach. I don't mean to imply any fault or criticize your behavior but as a fellow densizen of your planet I know first hand how difficult it can be to understand human behavior.

Example:

Person A: "I'm going to Catelina this weekend, what are your weekend plans?"

Person B: "Nice! My girl/boyfriend loves going there."

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#74

Post by le-mark »

zabana wrote: post #45

Not judging you but it could just be that you might come across as """creepy""" (notice the three pairs of quotes here). The issue is that you're in a hyper sensitive environment with hyper sensitive people. If you try and initiate a conversation with certain women (even to be polite because you dgaf about them) that dislike you, it can be considered """pushy""" and/or """creepy""" (even though there's no objective p…

I've concluded over the years that I must give off some sort of creepy vibe at tmes. It's wierd, it seems to be situational or based on the other party, because it's only happens about 95% of the time. I've found that I just seem to make some women uncomfortable.

Sometimes it's been justified, and I've learned what not to do, like sitting to close to a lab partner in college. But then other times, I'm still mystified to this day; like why was asking a co-worker if she was still running half marathons a reason for her to respond "how do you know that? why do you care?" in an an accusatory manner. I concluded, maybe I'm not the only wierd one, in that case.

At the end of the day, you only control yourself. I figured out early on to concentrate on conducting myself in a professional manner, and keep small talk to a minimum. Work isn't for making friends. Friendships will arise, but I'm always very cautious at work.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#75

Post by zabana »

hal9000xp wrote: post #70
zabana wrote: post #45

Not judging you but it could just be that you might come across as """creepy""" (notice the three pairs of quotes here). The issue is that you're in a hyper sensitive environment with hyper sensitive people. If you try and initiate a conversation with certain women (even to be polite because you dgaf about them) that dislike you, it can be considered """pushy""" and/or """creepy""" (even though there's no objective p…

You have described exact reason why I completely disrespect third-wave feminism, political correctness culture and other derivatives of left-wing politics.

I hear that. I've had to deal with self centered / entitled people on numerous occasions and if I wasn't socially equipped to deal with that kind of BS, I honestly don't know where I'd be right now.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#76

Post by watwut »

everdayimhustln wrote: post #26

Linus Torvalds was targeted. http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/11/06/linus_torvalds_targe... Also, the pervasive drive-by meddling of SJWs to brow-beat FOSS projects into accepting their Code of Conduct is further bullshit that is reinforced by well-meaning people that think it's a good thing to state the obvious, but then add a bunch of vague powers that can kick people out without due process.

"The anonymity of Raymond's source means it is nigh-on impossible to assess the credibility of his relayed allegations. That he's essentially circulating a wild conspiracy theory makes it even harder. What is certain is that Raymond – who once claimed Iranian terrorists were out to get him [...]"

"In 2013, Sarah Sharp, who then ran USB-compatibility efforts in the Linux kernel, urged Torvalds to stop verbally abusing fellow kernel developers and encourage more civil conversation with developers of any gender."

So, Sharp urged Torwalds to be less verbally abusive (because she considered him being role model for whole culture) and generally delusional dude had unnamed source about someone attempts to target open source programmers. Which never happened, Torwalds was never accused of harassment (he was accused of being rude which is much different).

IMO, ada initiaive is not above lying, but theirs lies are in exactly the same category as claiming the above means "Linus Torvalds was targeted."

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#77

Post by fjfkdjfjfjd »

zabana wrote: post #69
dajohnson89 wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Practice, practice, practice. But not on the female co-workers that you like.

yeah that. Also try and engage in social activites outside of work (could be charity or whatever you're into). The goal is that you get used to human interactions with low stakes and that you get out of your own head. For example, go to a gym and be a regular member there, you'll eventually get to know the staff and be more optimistic about speaking to others (not to mention the immense benefits on health / body imag…

I'm bookmarking your comment! Thanks for your advice! I definitely could use a gym membership. And when I meet such new people, I'll try to find conversation topics that would be very unlikely to be taken the wrong way (as I have now learned, It's better not to ask people about their weekend plans as this could be viewed as hitting on them).

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#78

Post by p2t2p »

bencollier49 wrote: post #13
lalalawrence wrote: post #11

The World is full of technology at your disposal. Use it! Do not Fear the HATERS If you are that uncomfortable One DOCUMENT everything especially when you feel threatened you have right too! This sounds like a personal Vendetta against you by someone who does not like you ? Stay friendly and Cordial, but quick in your Hi and Bye. RECORD with your phone any unrelated uncomfortable incidents. And find a New JOB but bef…

Wow, that reads like Francis Dec.

It actually sounds more like Donald Trump. I was reading that with his voice in my head after couple sentences

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#79

Post by watwut »

jbmorgado wrote: post #53
hughperkins wrote: post #40

> believe that question was cleared up once they responded to me that they were going to see their boyfriend/girlfriend. This sentence is kind of interesting. So, you were 'just making small talk', until they told you they had a boy/girlfriend, and then, you just ... stopped 'making smalltalk'? :-P

Where in that sentence do you get the idea that he "stopped 'making smalltalk'" after "they told [him] they had a boy/girlfriend "?

It sounded that to me too. That he assumed the issue is cleared and that he can continue conversation without worrying that she would interpret it as hitting.

Because since he now knows she has boyfriend, therefore he is not hitting, therefore logically she is unlikely to interpret further conversation as hitting. Incidentally, that is remarkably similar to the way people on spectrum "logically" interpret humans - have hard time imagine other person perspective (here he knows he is not hitting therefore she knows too) - and get into trouble despite really not having bad intentions.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#80

Post by watwut »

everdayimhustln wrote: post #38
bgia wrote: post #4

Keep an open mind. I don't know you, nor your coworkers, but you may have done something that feels "normal" to you but is actually inappropriate without even realizing. That's why it is important to raise awareness on misogyny and the rape culture: a lot of the problematic behavior seems perfectly normal and acceptable to the perpetrators, but it's really not. Not saying that's what happened with you, but it could h…

Yes and ask HR for honest feedback, specifically for improving one's professionalism. They most likely won't do it, but let them be the one to be unprofessional.

Dunno, I would recommend asking trusted person, but not hr.
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