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Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

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Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#61

Post by fjfkdjfjfjd »

fishnchips wrote: post #32

Those accusations can come from weird places. I was once accused of sexual harassment by a male coworker (I'm a straight male, and a father of two). When summoned by HR to face the victim it turned out that he felt that touching his screen (when explaining something) violated his personal space. Not that it is necessarily relevant to your case but if you feel innocent then you probably are - unless you're a psychopat…

Wow! That is a crazy story! I am not justifying the person who falsely accused you at all, but at least in the end, there was some "closure"/mutual understanding of how to reduce any tension. I wish something like this could have happened with management bringing me and them together to determine any problems and resolve them. I hate this feeling that I do not know what if anything I did wrong.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#62

Post by DanBC »

> I realize some of these questions could be viewed as hitting on someone, but that was not my intention, and believe that question was cleared up once they responded to me that they were going to see their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Multiple people felt the need to tell you that they have a partner.

Why do you think the problem is non-existent?

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#63

Post by dajohnson89 »

fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #57
zabana wrote: post #45

Not judging you but it could just be that you might come across as """creepy""" (notice the three pairs of quotes here). The issue is that you're in a hyper sensitive environment with hyper sensitive people. If you try and initiate a conversation with certain women (even to be polite because you dgaf about them) that dislike you, it can be considered """pushy""" and/or """creepy""" (even though there's no objective p…

Thanks for your commend and advice! Definitely looking forward to keeping my head low and seeing how much more I can accomplish in these next few months I have left. I believe I fall into the socially-awkward/inexperienced category. Are there any resources you could suggest to learn more about social dynamics?

Practice, practice, practice. But not on the female co-workers that you like.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#64

Post by watwut »

fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #49
chmike wrote: post #43

My brother (manager) has been confronted to a similar situation, except that he was accused of moral harassement. The employee complained about it to the director of human ressource. They reacted swiftly. They hired an independent and specialized company to investigate the matter. The conclusion was that it was a fake accusation. This is the correct behaviour in face of any kind of accusation between employees. This…

Thanks for your insightful comment! And I'm sorry to hear of your brother's story. It has been hard, but I have suspended talking to people about non-work-related topics since this incident. I thought I was in a domain of acceptable topics, but I guess its better to exercise extreme caution. I am also not very socially-skilled so perhaps this lack of experience has been the catalyst for this incident. I would think t…

> I am also not very socially-skilled so perhaps this lack of experience has been the catalyst for this incident.

Ok, then something came across much differently then you intended. Is there a dude on the job that you could trust which could provide you honest feedback? Someone who tend to talk directly and does not badmouth others behind their back. Emphasis on trust here, really it is important that you can trust that person. Maybe the person signaled that she is not interested, but you did not get the clues.

In my experience, level of directness required when talking with people who have less social skills is level that would be rude when talking with anyone else. Some people have hard time to overcome that. I have been accused of being rude by third party when I talked to my college like that - third party did not knew the guy.

That is not to excuse going to hr instead of directly talking to you, nor excuse that hr left you confused, but to emphasis that you want to ask for feedback someone who will speak frankly to you - and will keep the discussion private.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#65

Post by DanBC »

contingencies wrote: post #23

Leave but before you do so find a chance to talk to a nontrivial percentage of the staff and explain that this thing happened, affected you deeply and it was never your intent to upset anyone and it has really negatively impacted your experience at a formative stage in your career so whoever made the accusation could they please be aware in future that they may have it wrong about people and accusations can hurt. No…

That's textbook harassment (common in Coercive Control) and will serve to persuade people that the accusations were true and that OP is a massive arsehole to be avoided at every opportunity.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#66

Post by apatters »

rmetzler wrote: post #29

Look for a better full time job now. Your time there is limited. I'm not in the US, so I don't know anything about how you have to handle this legally, but I would publicly apologize for any unintended wrongdoing and make clear that you don't know what you are punished for. Be rather brief. Any decent person (which isn't legally bound) will come to you and give you some hints or let you know what happened from their…

I would second the call to start looking for a new job ASAP. However I would focus my energies entirely on ensuring the healthiest departure possible, leaving any and all relationships you can on a positive note. And I would not speak a single word about this accusation ever again.

Unfortunately business culture in the US is such that it's very easy to become "tainted" by an accusation like this, and it's the next worst thing for your career after being a felon.

Actual evidence of wrongdoing is not a prerequisite for your conviction in the court of public opinion. It may seem unjust, and if things went down as you describe, it is. But you're best served by walking away from this situation in an orderly and professional fashion. Don't feed the trolls--shift attention and energy, both yours and others', on positives ASAP. The sooner you that happens the less chance this will come back to bite you one day.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#67

Post by watwut »

> I realize some of these questions could be viewed as hitting on someone, but that was not my intention, and believe that question was cleared up once they responded to me that they were going to see their boyfriend/girlfriend.

If someone tells you she has boyfriend, then she thinks you are hitting at her. Always. It does not automatically clears your intentions, but it makes it clear she interprets you wrongly.

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#68

Post by peoplewindow »

zucchini_head wrote: post #36
fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No substatial evidence was provided. After being told that I made a woman feel uncomfortable, I immediately apologized for any harm I would have caused. I then asked if its possible to know what I said or did that caused this discomfort to insure I do not repeat an offending action. Management said they could not divulge this information for privacy reasons. So at this point, I feel there is really no evidence other…

Wow. That's disturbing!

It happens all the time. I've been in a similar situation. Denied a promo because of anonymous feedback from someone who said I had "communication issues". Probably not sexual in that situation as I never hit on anyone at work or had any desire to, more likely I asked them to (re)do their work and they took it personally given the context at the time. Nobody would tell me what I'd said, or to who, or what I should do with such feedback.

My actual communication skills were not the issue, mind. The company frequently asked me to write and give presentations, either in public conferences or to the rest of the firm.

Anonymous accusations that sink careers are a plague of the modern workplace and are entirely due to a culture of "always believe the victim".

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#69

Post by zabana »

dajohnson89 wrote: post #63
fjfkdjfjfjd wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for your commend and advice! Definitely looking forward to keeping my head low and seeing how much more I can accomplish in these next few months I have left. I believe I fall into the socially-awkward/inexperienced category. Are there any resources you could suggest to learn more about social dynamics?

Practice, practice, practice. But not on the female co-workers that you like.

yeah that. Also try and engage in social activites outside of work (could be charity or whatever you're into). The goal is that you get used to human interactions with low stakes and that you get out of your own head. For example, go to a gym and be a regular member there, you'll eventually get to know the staff and be more optimistic about speaking to others (not to mention the immense benefits on health / body image and the effects it has on your level of confidence). Talk to the ugly barista at starbucks (joke about how she's spelt your name wrong, after a while ask her how she's doing, then ask her name), smile more if you don't already. And just work your way up from there. Being a software engineer is actually a massive advantage in the social field because you have an analytical mind so you can develop the best judgement on what to do and calibrate your behaviour to others. If you share offices with other companies, talk to them during their break if they're having a quick smoke outside (that's what I used to do) eventually they'll start to invite you to bars and coffee shops and other events. You'll then expand your social circles, you'll go out more, speak to more women (attractive or not) and you'll soon realise that the sad person who accused you is actually not worth speaking to. (I was going to say something else, but I wanna keep my karma init )

Re: Ask HN: Victim of an unfounded harrasement accusation. Your thoughts?

#70

Post by hal9000xp »

zabana wrote: post #45

Not judging you but it could just be that you might come across as """creepy""" (notice the three pairs of quotes here). The issue is that you're in a hyper sensitive environment with hyper sensitive people. If you try and initiate a conversation with certain women (even to be polite because you dgaf about them) that dislike you, it can be considered """pushy""" and/or """creepy""" (even though there's no objective p…

You have described exact reason why I completely disrespect third-wave feminism, political correctness culture and other derivatives of left-wing politics.
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