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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

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Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#51

Post by aryehof »

rrherr wrote: post #4
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

So in return for being "liked" by that woman, the listener had to pretend to be interested in her talk entirely about herself for half an hour? Where she wasn't interested enough to even ask the listeners name?

Sounds like a way to raise her self-esteem at the expense of yours.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#52

Post by quasse »

tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

My experience has been that this works well for job interviews. Spot something that they seem to have struggled with and talk to them all about their solution. Not only do you learn something but it often seems to leave an impression of you being insightful, even though all you did was ask the right question to hear about their insights.

Honestly there's nothing wrong with that either. Someone who can look at your problem/solution and ask the right questions to allow you to evaluate it from a new angle is a valuable coworker to have.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#53

Post by brownbat »

> How can you strategically make a good impression? From the outset, frame the conversation with a few well-rehearsed sentences regarding how you want to be perceived.

Klosterman comes to the same realization in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs, though from an unlikely angle--the dawn of reality television.

On The Real World, producers had no time to explain anyone's personality in depth, so they boiled each housemate down to a simple stereotype and selectively edited to play up that caricature. On the one hand, it was a trick of production that was massively distorting and harmful to several (most?) of the housemates.

On the other hand, we're all just like the producers when recalling our own interactions.

Like a 20-minute episode, there's just too much ground to cover to get a perfect reproduction of any person's life in a first meeting. A short working draft is the best anyone can hope for. If you help people form that, you can nudge it in a positive direction while also making yourself more memorable.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#54

Post by nsp »

throwaway2016a wrote: post #48
Baeocystin wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It really, honestly doesn't. A good conversationalist knows how to draw trust from their partner. One of the great benefits of learning how to listen and respond with genuine interest is that you can pierce the walls people put up. There is no one 'key'; it only comes with practice.

Personally, I have never met an adult[1] in my life who can start a sentence with "Wow" and come off as convincing. "Wow" just sets off my bull shit detector (rightly or not). Albeit that doesn't prove you are wrong. It could also mean I haven't ever met a "good conversationalist" who has used that word with me. Seeing as I have read "How to Win Friend's An Influence People" (twice) and 90% of the people I know do th…

In the original version I heard from him, perhaps on his podcast, he mentioned that he usually uses a stronger exclamation than that but hs a policy of not cursing in whatever publication the written piece appeared in.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#55

Post by bch »

drvdevd wrote: post #33
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Makes me think of Eliza :)

Why does it make you think of that ?

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#56

Post by xor1 »

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person.

It's a huge factor. I've started putting some of my big programmer bucks into improving my appearance before I hit 30, starting with braces (family couldn't afford them as a kid), eyelid surgery to fix some mild ptosis, and a nose job. I've also started using sunscreen and moisturizer on my face on a regular basis.

The past few years have made me realize that your appearance only becomes more important as you age and progress in a white-collar career -- not less, as I was led to believe as a child. This is especially disheartening to realize while working in CA/NYC tech, which have always been billed as one of the most meritocratic and progressive sectors. Getting into shape only takes you so far. I consider myself average now, but I want to be hot.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#57

Post by dkarapetyan »

xor1 wrote: post #56

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge facto…

Are you for real? Develop substance my friend. The rest is all cosmetic and won't take you far.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#58

Post by tutufan »

aryehof wrote: post #51
rrherr wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

So in return for being "liked" by that woman, the listener had to pretend to be interested in her talk entirely about herself for half an hour? Where she wasn't interested enough to even ask the listeners name? Sounds like a way to raise her self-esteem at the expense of yours.

Reminds me of Seinfeld's quip about dating being a "whole lot of seeming fascinated"...

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#60

Post by copperx »

CuriouslyC wrote: post #26
hoodoof wrote: post #15

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social anxiety. I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centere…

Do you mind expounding on "getting your mind in order"?
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