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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

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Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#41

Post by meesterdude »

bitL wrote: post #5

Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?

But we've been doing it our entire lives. Children learn their parents and learn how to best manipulate them. Men learn what women respond to and try to orient themselves towards that.

Televangelist Robert Tilton manipulated people in an anti-social way - so don't do that. But Bernie Sanders manipulated millions to become politically and socially engaged.

I think for me, the gauge is: if the other person found out I was actively using tactics on them, would they be angry, or accepting and curious? Tact has a lot to do with it, and who you are otherwise.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#42

Post by tunap »

tyingq wrote: post #32
tunap wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that." Salesmen/Saleswomen know a pat on the back or a touch on the arm can be very disarming. When a stranger touches me purposefully I cannot help but scrutinize the "why?".

Pretty bold of a salesperson to grab your forearm, or other obviously flirtatious moves though. Might even risk the opposite of the intended effect. Is that common, or is it usually more subtle, like touching your hand when passing a pen?

A touch on the forearm is what I`ve experienced most from saleswomen, a breast press on my arm has occurred more than once. Always* during a negotiation when I was the prospective buyer.

*Excluding social interactions.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#43

Post by btown »

throwaway2016a wrote: post #17
rrherr wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.

Of course you don't just say that. Recall from OP how mirroring works: you listen, repeat, label/distill. Odds are there is some part of what they said that you'd sincerely be curious to learn more about, that you think you might be able to relate to. (If it was a brief "I'm a ___" response, ask questions about the field to get to that point, etc.) And at some point you spin things positive like "But X part of the job is probably exciting, right?" Which is a segue into what you're passionate about yourself after they answer.

The key is to be genuinely curious and show it in body language. For the first part, approach every conversation as if it was a 100-upvote HN posting "Why X is more complicated than you might think." Right? Don't be fake, just rationally hold back the impulse to be cynical. The second part takes practice, but nodding, mirroring their body language, shoulders back open stance, etc. are a good start, and you can feel good about doing that if you are genuine, which shows. It all comes down to empathy and knowing how to show it.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#44

Post by hoodoof »

meesterdude wrote: post #39
hoodoof wrote: post #15

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

hrm... wasn't for me. Not that I'm Mr. Charismatic - but I changed my thinking and perspective of the world, and as a side effect I gained all sorts of charisma from it i've specifically never had before - to the point where I get free food at restaurants I frequent. To be come charismatic, I think you need to start with your own acceptance. After that, everyone else becomes easier.

> you need to start with your own acceptance

true dat.

self confidence = a form of charisma

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#45

Post by Baeocystin »

throwaway2016a wrote: post #27
rrherr wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, if you're insincere, it's patronizing. So it requires empathy and curiosity. If done right, it's just like the old Dale Carnegie quote: You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

I think it depends more on how cynical and/or confident the person you are talking to is. A cynical person will assume you are insincere even if you aren't. An unconfident person will think you're just being polite.

It really, honestly doesn't. A good conversationalist knows how to draw trust from their partner. One of the great benefits of learning how to listen and respond with genuine interest is that you can pierce the walls people put up. There is no one 'key'; it only comes with practice.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#47

Post by mythrwy »

In some ways being a person people love to talk to is a burden. It takes time. Sometimes it's worth it. Quite often (and this sounds cold but it's true) it isn't.

Other people do make life good though and it's certainly a valuable skill. Just, it comes at a price.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#48

Post by throwaway2016a »

Baeocystin wrote: post #45
throwaway2016a wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it depends more on how cynical and/or confident the person you are talking to is. A cynical person will assume you are insincere even if you aren't. An unconfident person will think you're just being polite.

It really, honestly doesn't. A good conversationalist knows how to draw trust from their partner. One of the great benefits of learning how to listen and respond with genuine interest is that you can pierce the walls people put up. There is no one 'key'; it only comes with practice.

Personally, I have never met an adult[1] in my life who can start a sentence with "Wow" and come off as convincing. "Wow" just sets off my bull shit detector (rightly or not).

Albeit that doesn't prove you are wrong. It could also mean I haven't ever met a "good conversationalist" who has used that word with me.

Seeing as I have read "How to Win Friend's An Influence People" (twice) and 90% of the people I know do the exact opposite of what the book suggests, it could indeed be I have never met those people.

It's not that there aren't things they can say that would be convincing, just the specific quote the OP used -- "Wow. That sounds hard” -- would not only be not effective on me, it would be detrimental.

[1] I have to specify adult because I have met children who use it convincingly.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#49

Post by throwaway2016a »

btown wrote: post #43
throwaway2016a wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.

Of course you don't just say that. Recall from OP how mirroring works: you listen, repeat, label/distill. Odds are there is some part of what they said that you'd sincerely be curious to learn more about, that you think you might be able to relate to. (If it was a brief "I'm a ___" response, ask questions about the field to get to that point, etc.) And at some point you spin things positive like "But X part of the jo…

I agree with you.

But I found the origional Paul Ford source article [1]... and I could be wrong but the way I read it I think it actually is saying to use exactly those words.

[1] https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c#.4c...

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#50

Post by tyingq »

Baeocystin wrote: post #45
throwaway2016a wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it depends more on how cynical and/or confident the person you are talking to is. A cynical person will assume you are insincere even if you aren't. An unconfident person will think you're just being polite.

It really, honestly doesn't. A good conversationalist knows how to draw trust from their partner. One of the great benefits of learning how to listen and respond with genuine interest is that you can pierce the walls people put up. There is no one 'key'; it only comes with practice.

I disagree. If you're already defensive about your job, you may be prone to misinterpret that statement as sarcasm, even when delivered perfectly.

I imagine there's safer comments or questions you could go with.

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