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Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

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Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#491

Post by NetStrikeForce »

randlet wrote: post #354
NetStrikeForce wrote: post #346

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Whatever happens, the message is that it's not as important as what happens on the conference call.

I think you misunderstand. There is obviously another caregiver looking after them. I can't have a 24 hour open door policy with my kids while I'm working from home, just the same as anyone who works in an office.

I completely understand. Still, we outsource our kids care to be able to care about a conf call.

I'm not saying is the right or wrong thing to do, I'm just saying the message is clear.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#492

Post by manyxcxi »

mafro wrote: post #223
manyxcxi wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was lucky in that my natural schedule allows a lot of quiet thinking time without having to short shrift the family time or time with the wife. I'm up by 430 every morning and in my office by 6, with gym time before I get in. I get a good 2-4 hours of 'me' time every single work day for learning or exploring- and it's also my most creative time of day. The gym lifts the early morning head fog and I get a lot of stu…

Where does time with the wife fit into your schedule? Presumably you must go bed quite early to rise at 0430 everyday.

I usually go to bed about 10, usually at the same time as her. We get a few hours every night to just us.

Mind you, I'm not forcing myself up at 4:30 with an alarm or anything. I'm up when I'm up and it's nearly always before or at 5.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#493

Post by daxfohl »

knorker wrote: post #164
jstewartmobile wrote: post #96

One of the many great things about children, if you're not a total heartless bastard of course, is that having them really sharpens your mind as to what's important and what's not. Most of these things the HN crowd obsesses over are shit, and the things that replace those things will also be shit, and the thing you make with those things--even if it makes you fabulously wealthy--will also be shit, and if you don't be…

So what you're saying is "you don't. People with children will not be as good". Great. That means I should not feel bad about any hypothetical statistics that show parents paid less than non-parents. You're saying parents are, on average, statistically, not as useful as non-parents to a company.

Ha, you decide:

"Dude we totally have to use this new technology I read about on HN at 2:00 in the morning. It looks so cool!"

"Let's use the technology we always use because we know it works for what the client needs and I'll still be able to pick up my kids at 5:30."

Who are you giving your money to?

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#494

Post by daxfohl »

eanzenberg wrote: post #396
daxfohl wrote: post #311

All the responses here indicate the same "la dee da having kids is so wonderful that you don't even miss the other stuff." Fuck that. I have kids and I totally miss being able to stay up all night working on stuff and exploring new technologies, feeling like the world is going on without me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a passable dad, spend as much time with kids as possible, take them out to libraries and parks and try…

Be honest.. before kids, how many nights did you "stay up working on stuff and exploring new technologies?" My bet is most of your time pre-kids was "wasted" on non-career things. If you were actually spending many nights studying then having kids won't really stop you from learning. My anecdotal story: Before my kid, I spent roughly 80% of my time outside work "wasting" playing video games, watching youtube, twitch,…

I find this to be the best response. I don't miss the "crap" I used to have time for, lack of "freedom" isn't that big of a deal. It's more about putting ambitions and dreams on hold, likely forever, and the recognition that no, I'm not going to be the person who solves quantum gravity because I have to spend most of my time making sure these little things aren't eating worms or tearing library books and whatnot, and I'll be 60 when they're gone. It's easy in those moments to blame them for it, but you have to remember that such things were always pipe dreams anyway. Still, that doesn't make the recognition of that fact any easier.

All that said, due to lack of free time and the newfound need to use it efficiently, I've found that I've probably read more actual physics in the last four years than in the previous many years of dreaming about it. So there's that aspect too. It's not all bad.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#495

Post by balabaster »

magic_beans wrote: post #404
balabaster wrote: post #339

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have two daughters, 7 and 8. Both have clinically diagnosed ADHD and the eldest has ODD and was born with heart problems that required open heart surgery to fix. I love them both to death. On their good days they're amazing kids. On their bad days, I, like you just slog through it and keep my thoughts to myself wondering just how much longer I can keep going. It's hard. You don't want to ruin your kids by admitting…

What exactly is ODD? Where is the line drawn between an aggressive child and ODD? Are girls diagnosed more liberally with ODD than boys?

ODD: Oppositional Defiance Disorder

The clinical symptoms are listed as:

- Frequent temper tantrums

- Excessive arguing with adults

- Often questioning rules

- Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules

- Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people

- Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

- Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others

- Frequent anger and resentment

- Mean and hateful talking when upset

- Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Fam...

I can't speak to whether boys or girls are more frequently diagnosed with this. My guess would be boys that are more frequently diagnosed, but I'd like to emphasize the word guess; I've not done any extensive research on that aspect. We (her parents and psychiatrist) have determined that my eldest daughter hits every single symptom on the list.

It's been particularly hard to live with and we've sought out help from every available resource to learn to manage it and live with it. This will likely be an ongoing work in progress until we find a balance where the effort to manage it balances symptoms we can learn to live with, eventually as she grows and looks to leave home and start her own life, she will need to have learned to manage and control it herself. Of course, it's already been 8 years and is at least another 10 years away. It hasn't been and isn't going to be an easy path.

I often tell myself that she's just 8 and growing up with heart problems and surgery that you can't hide from her because of the slew of tests she's had to undergo her whole life to ensure her health has been harder on her psychologically than it has on all of us - and it's been hard for us, I can only begin to imagine what it was like to go through for her. So some allowances have to be made for her psychological state from this. That doesn't make it easier to deal with, it just helps you to keep putting on the mask and continuing to demonstrate a level patience that you ran out of so long ago you can't remember what it was like not to feel this way.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#496

Post by webmaven »

randlet wrote: post #477
webmaven wrote: post #471

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you're home alone with a kid, you shouldn't be taking conference calls Right, so only people in two-caregiver households get to work from home. Got it. Everybody up and down this thread who is assuming that there even is another caregiver needs to check their privilege. I am not a parent myself, but I have been on conference calls where a colleague tried to keep a child out of their home office for a few minutes…

Sorry but I don't believe you can look after your kid all day and work from home at the same time. It's not a matter of privilege, it's a matter of practicality. If you have a full time job, you need childcare whether you work in your home or out of it. I don't think that's particularly controversial. edit: If it lends any weight to my opinion, I guess I could also point out I work from home and that that despite you…

> If you have a full time job, you need childcare whether you work in your home or out of it. I don't think that's particularly controversial.

The need isn't particularly controversial, the availability and affordability is.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#497

Post by QuantumGravy »

randlet wrote: post #351
QuantumGravy wrote: post #283

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience, no, kids that young do not understand that. Furthermore, if you have the door closed for the length of a conference call with a child that young, I'd expect there to be another adult (or responsible elder sibling) there in the first place, such that the burden of not bothering you was never on the child. If that can't be arranged, you reschedule the call.

Sorry, I thought it would be obvious that there was another adult looking after the kids. It's not really possible to work from home and look after kids at the same time obviously. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on whether they understand/can follow simple instructions. It's never been a problem with my kids.

That is reassuring then. Not convinced their ability to follow simple instructions should even be a factor, though. Kids at that age lack the judgement to know when some rules should be broken.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#498

Post by feiss »

eli wrote: post #196
microtonal wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At first, it will be hard. You may not have any spare time. After the newborn phase, the amount of spare time you have will slowly start to go back up again. Interesting... My experience has been the opposite, the first ~6 months they sleep so much that there is plenty of time to do things. Then you get a phase where they start to crawl and then walk around. In that phase, you have to be attentive all the time to ens…

A crucial truth about parenting is that every kid and every family is different.

Yeah, I think this is the only true fact.

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#499

Post by mustacheemperor »

webmaven wrote: post #452
mustacheemperor wrote: post #432

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Simple fact is, having kids is gonna change your life, should you choose to have them. It seems like a lot of people in this thread are trying to hammer down a reality where this isn't a fact, but that won't change that every aspect of how your time is managed will revolve around a new focal point for 20 years or more. >And then having kids I take issue with the prevailing attitude that having kids should be a mandat…

I get especially happy, but why especially your own?

Being around other people's children can be annoying if they're not well behaved, being around my own children would imply a 20 year sentence of that. I did not mean to imply I've left a trail of abandoned kids across my history :)

Re: Ask HN: Developers with kids, how do you skill up?

#500

Post by magic_beans »

balabaster wrote: post #495
magic_beans wrote: post #404

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What exactly is ODD? Where is the line drawn between an aggressive child and ODD? Are girls diagnosed more liberally with ODD than boys?

ODD: Oppositional Defiance Disorder The clinical symptoms are listed as: - Frequent temper tantrums - Excessive arguing with adults - Often questioning rules - Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules - Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people - Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior - Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others - Frequent anger and resentment - Mean a…

Wow. That sounds really, really challenging.
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