You Can Change Your Personality • Hacker News Board

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#91

Post by jusq2 » Mon, Jan 23, 2017, 7:29 AM UTC

Nomentatus wrote: post #89

jusq2 wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please note the second word of this summary is "often". If you want to know why its "often" and not "always" visit your nearest library and take a look at the size of books on the subject. And here lies the problem with the internet today and the comment boards such as these. People will actually walk away reading these kind of 2 minute summaries thinking they know something about the subject at hand. And on top of t…

Which is greatly eased by dropping citations or a link, refining or contradicting what others have said - if you would care to do so. Education happens one page and one book at a time, and one can and should start anywhere. That at least some others don't understand as much as you do is inevitable; but don't disdain them for that, help them along.

I would have agreed with this view a decade ago but I don't today. I believe the internet can't be used to educate people. It's very similar to sending a kid into a gigantic library. They will be able to tell you all kinds of interesting things at the end of the day. But they don't learn anything. Despite libraries having existed for thousands of years, without a school, a teacher and a systematic process of reinforcement no one learns anything. And that's what we have been getting out of the internet a superficial class of "educated" people.

Disdain has its purpose. I probably should be using it better I will admit.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#92

Post by wfbbiue » Mon, Jan 23, 2017, 8:38 AM UTC

underwater wrote: post #29

nxc18 wrote: post #5

People often use "its just my personality" as an excuse for bad behavior. Intuitively I think most people know that you have control over your behavior at the very least as well as aspects of your personality. Just like any other activity, you can practice being a more considerate, or more respectful, or less neurotic personality. There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or workin…

It is a really counter productive meme. My theory is that engineers are so comfortable using logic to solve problems, and viewing solutions as right or wrong that they fail to adapt when there are shades of grey. Get a bunch engineers in a room and they'll argue forever about a solution because they don't understand their own biases or how emotion is clouding people's judgement. Bringing a bit of empathy can resolve…

"republicans see everything in black and white, democrats see every shade of grey"

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#93

Post by erikpukinskis » Mon, Jan 23, 2017, 10:32 PM UTC

tbirdz wrote: post #79

jacobolus wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so…

Does anyone have any resources on how to break out of this "isolation cycle" if one is currently already in it?

I think the best way is to find one of your hobbies that has a public group and just force yourself to go, and focus on enjoying the part of it you enjoy. If you like MTG, find a local game night. If you like birds, go to a bird watching meetup. If you like activism, go to volunteering events. If you like spirituality, go to a church. And don't feel pressure to "do it right" or impress people in a certain way or make friends. You're probably going to be a weirdo, and that's ok. The goal is to be a weirdo who is enjoying something in the presence of others. Just go, give yourself a pat on the back for sticking around to the end, and then go again the following week.

But at a higher level, I think the way you break out of cycles is to first just attack one part of the cycle, and then slowly add more and eventually you are attacking it all at once. If part of why you don't like going out is you don't feel good about yourself, just do your laundry, clean your apartment, take a shower, put on clean clothes, and go for a walk. Then (if you're me) go back to binge eating pizza and browsing Reddit. Don't beat yourself up for the parts of the cycle you're not fixing, just give yourself credit for cleaning your apartment and move on.

It won't give way all at once. You've got to basically get practice fixing some parts of the cycle, which will have some small benefit, and over time you'll get closer to having a day where the whole cycle collapses and you do a complete virtuous cycle instead.

TL;DR: just attack part of the cycle, focus on your successes, and don't beat yourself up too much.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#94

Post by rak00n » Tue, Jan 24, 2017, 7:12 AM UTC

jacobolus wrote: post #43

atis wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Serious question: why is choosing isolation "worst of all"?

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so…

It resonated with me. You wrote it very eloquently.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#95

Post by Nadya » Tue, Jan 24, 2017, 7:22 AM UTC

aoeu345 wrote: post #50

xkxx wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings I became much happier after I chose to be alone. I realized that I'm not meant to have any close friends. I realized that I'm not a likable person. And I realized that it's totally okay. Even if I change to become a "better" (more likable, able to have more friends) person, I won't like myself. I like myself the way I am. Now, if…

It's easy to say that you're happier alone. It's much more difficult to admit to yourself that you have social anxiety that keeps you from making relationships. A human that does the first will decay over time. A human that does the second can be anything he/she wants to be. There is enormous supporting evidence that quantity and quality of relationships are directly correlated to happiness

Does social anxiety involve wanting to tell people to fuck off and leave you alone? I don't feel anxious about social interactions. I'll get up and give a speech in front of 400+ people at the company. I don't get panicky or nervous - I just want to go home and do things I want to do instead of what others want me to do.

Other people want me to come mini-golfing. I want to go home and play with my kitten. Other people want me to go to a party. I want to stay home and have a nice bath. Other people want me to come to the beach. I'd rather put on some music and clean my house. Fuck what other people want me to be doing. A 9-5 is as much as I'll let other people control my life and only because that much is necessary until I'm financially independent. I lack the drive to work towards that and am happy with my job, so a 9-5 it is.

I agree with Baeocystin. This sort of "Literally every human must be enjoy being social/around others!" is infuriating at best. No. Not every human who dislikes other people is broken.

I haven't had a friend in 11 years. I haven't bothered looking because I'm content with my life. I do the things I want to do, I game when I want to game, I code when I want to code, I go for walks when I want to go for walks. I don't need to worry about making plans. If I want to go see a movie - I just go. I don't have people trying to call me/text me/email me. It's absolutely wonderful.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#96

Post by Nomentatus » Tue, Jan 24, 2017, 8:46 PM UTC

jusq2 wrote: post #91

Nomentatus wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Which is greatly eased by dropping citations or a link, refining or contradicting what others have said - if you would care to do so. Education happens one page and one book at a time, and one can and should start anywhere. That at least some others don't understand as much as you do is inevitable; but don't disdain them for that, help them along.

I would have agreed with this view a decade ago but I don't today. I believe the internet can't be used to educate people. It's very similar to sending a kid into a gigantic library. They will be able to tell you all kinds of interesting things at the end of the day. But they don't learn anything. Despite libraries having existed for thousands of years, without a school, a teacher and a systematic process of reinforc…

I have to admit that (likely being even more ancient than yourself) I've actually flipped back and forth on this issue more than once.

Now I think it's like the old Indian metaphor of dying cloth with natural dyes: you dye the cloth and it's bright, then put it in the sun and the UV smashes out nearly all the color. But if you keep rinsing and repeating that process, eventually the color is very bright and doesn't fade.

Remember that even if only 1% of your effort teaches anyone anything, the internet will allow a very large number of people over a very long time to "get it" and will preserve that nugget. So your efforts are actually extremely cost-effective - despite all the waste - even if you can't detect that. Then add in ripple effect outside the internet.

I've seen some of my contributions become part of common discourse, heard phrases I invented pop up on the news in just that context (after decades of slow spread), seen minor inventions of mine end up in common use across many kinds of sports, etc. It just took decades of slow growth as they spread.

I've also watched as reams of old shibboleths and (even academic) ignorance that had persisted for centuries even amongst experts swept away, in most circles anyway, by the gradual power of Wikipedia and Google book search.

Of course there will never be a fool shortage, as Barnum noted, more are born every day. But it's getting harder and harder to stay a complete fool.

Keep teaching!

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#97

Post by codingmyway » Wed, Jan 25, 2017, 1:49 PM UTC

When social context matters so much I wonder how they measure things like this. Just the act of getting to know a therapist will reduce anxiety and in the situation you'll be comfortable so there is little value measuring improvements under those circumstances.

As soon as you step out into the real world again fears resurface.

I'd say there's a market for trained therapists who will also coach people through real world stressful situations rather than just talking about them.

Given the expense of doing that it would have to be in a group and the incentives right so you can trust coaches not to exploit the vulnerable. Solve that and you could have a nice franchise.