Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

You Can Change Your Personality

nymag.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 97 posts

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#41

Post by g00gler »

dpark wrote: post #23
tw04 wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've always wondered, given this "stereotype" if there isn't more to it. Is it possible that because, in general, people who were "nerds" were likely more of a social outcast growing up, that they have essentially become "hardened", if you will, to social graces. They spent so much of their developmental years being teased/ridiculed/whatever that what is "normal" treatment of others has essentially become foreign to…

I think this is mostly an effect of nerds not wanting to be exclusionary and therefore enabling this kind of behavior. If you're a nerd and you're kind of a prick, other nerds will tend to excuse it rather than just pushing you away. They'll disregard your behavior and keep inviting you to events. They'll ignore the fact that you're unpleasant when bonuses/promos are being handed out at work because it should be base…

Why not both?

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#42

Post by atis »

albertTJames wrote: post #33

This is a stale and old debate, personality is extremely flexible and heavily depends on environmental and social constraints, as were demonstrated by seminal social experiment studies such as those of Milgram or Zimbardo. The argument that the changes seen there are short lived can be contradicted by the fact that subjects always go back to their normal environment after the experiment. What I believe Ed Boyden woul…

Serious question: why is choosing isolation "worst of all"?

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#43

Post by jacobolus »

atis wrote: post #42
albertTJames wrote: post #33

This is a stale and old debate, personality is extremely flexible and heavily depends on environmental and social constraints, as were demonstrated by seminal social experiment studies such as those of Milgram or Zimbardo. The argument that the changes seen there are short lived can be contradicted by the fact that subjects always go back to their normal environment after the experiment. What I believe Ed Boyden woul…

Serious question: why is choosing isolation "worst of all"?

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so on.

Without sources of external correction/feedback/perspective, even tiny negative thoughts can get amplified and spiral out of control, and a human can stop behaving within the range of personhood (that is, the usual social construction of normal behavior). Without any human contact, it is difficult to keep control over the focus of attention, find meaning in daily routines and projects, etc. Even trivial tasks can start to take monumental amounts of mental effort. With sufficient sensory deprivation someone can become dissociated or start hallucinating, or can fall into catatonic depression.

Some people are obviously better at handling isolation than others, but it’s tough for even the strongest willed. Involuntary isolation (e.g. solitary confinement, or long-term homelessness) is a torturous experience for most people, often causing permanent emotional scars. Voluntary isolation (living as a hermit in the woods to write a novel or whatever) should not be undertaken lightly.

Often people isolate themselves after some kind of severe negative shock, e.g. the death of a loved one, a bad break-up, a professional failure, etc. People experiencing strong negative emotions without any social support/comfort from family/friends can get themselves into situations that are difficult or impossible to climb back out of, especially if substance abuse is involved.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#44

Post by 77pt77 »

awfgylbcxhrey wrote: post #14
nxc18 wrote: post #5

People often use "its just my personality" as an excuse for bad behavior. Intuitively I think most people know that you have control over your behavior at the very least as well as aspects of your personality. Just like any other activity, you can practice being a more considerate, or more respectful, or less neurotic personality. There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or workin…

There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or working with other people. This is purely anecdotal, but at one particularly memorable company, the head of HR would regularly make casual comments that cast the engineers as socially incapable and childish. Meanwhile, she was constantly offending people and her life was a chaotic mess. At the same company, they always talked about team…

> they always talked about team this and team that, but efforts to actually incorporate the team were obviously seen as weak, and the "arrogant know it all" persona was rewarded.

These are usually techniques to weed out people that the people defending those strategies think (consciously or not) are unfit. If you follow the advice you really are unfit and they will exclude you.

This is common across the board in social situations.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#45

Post by 77pt77 »

pjc50 wrote: post #18
awfgylbcxhrey wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or working with other people. This is purely anecdotal, but at one particularly memorable company, the head of HR would regularly make casual comments that cast the engineers as socially incapable and childish. Meanwhile, she was constantly offending people and her life was a chaotic mess. At the same company, they always talked about team…

"Not a team player" is a common euphemism for "won't compliantly do what I tell them". (A common cause of these complaints is people hearing "we can't do that" as "we won't do that", mistaking impossibility for insubordination)

The common retort is that nothing is impossible.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#46

Post by evincarofautumn »

TheSpiceIsLife wrote: post #4
ruminasean wrote: post #2

This isn't news to me, but I like having a handy little article that I can send to people to point to and say "See? It's not just me. Science."

I feel compelled to link to this[1] bit of writing by Yudkowsky. Science! It's not a real explanation, so much as a curiosity-stopper. You don't actually know anything more than you knew before I said the magic word. But you turn away, satisfied that nothing unusual is going on. 1. http://lesswrong.com/lw/j3/science_as_curiositystopper/

I think it’s more along the lines of “I have changed my personality before, so it’s obvious to me that it can be done; however, it may not be obvious to others without some evidence that it’s a recognised phenomenon”. In that case, “Science!” is intended not to sate curiosity, but to dispel doubt—and maybe then even pique curiosity.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#47

Post by [deleted] »

jacobolus wrote: post #43
atis wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Serious question: why is choosing isolation "worst of all"?

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so…

[deleted]

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#48

Post by albertTJames »

jacobolus wrote: post #43
atis wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Serious question: why is choosing isolation "worst of all"?

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so…

Such a great answer. I think it would deserve a little article on its own.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#49

Post by xkxx »

jacobolus wrote: post #43
atis wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Serious question: why is choosing isolation "worst of all"?

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so…

> Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings

I became much happier after I chose to be alone. I realized that I'm not meant to have any close friends. I realized that I'm not a likable person. And I realized that it's totally okay. Even if I change to become a "better" (more likable, able to have more friends) person, I won't like myself. I like myself the way I am. Now, if people don't like me, it's their problem: I took every step possible for us to not interact. If they still seek interaction with me and, after it happens, don't like me, well, it's their problem, they chose to seek interaction with me, not me.

> cynicism

Cynicism is not a feeling. Cynicism is a belief that people always act selfishly. And such a belief has a lot of supporting evidence. Also, cynics are not always negative people. You can be a positive cynic.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#50

Post by aoeu345 »

xkxx wrote: post #49
jacobolus wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings (loneliness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, cynicism, paranoia, listlessness, self loathing, despair, etc.), disrupted circadian rhythms from poor sleep and lack of sunshine, lack of routines and loss of time sense, lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, poor personal hygiene and cleanliness, substance abuse, financial problems, and so…

> Isolation often gets a person stuck into positive feedback loops of negative feelings I became much happier after I chose to be alone. I realized that I'm not meant to have any close friends. I realized that I'm not a likable person. And I realized that it's totally okay. Even if I change to become a "better" (more likable, able to have more friends) person, I won't like myself. I like myself the way I am. Now, if…

It's easy to say that you're happier alone. It's much more difficult to admit to yourself that you have social anxiety that keeps you from making relationships. A human that does the first will decay over time. A human that does the second can be anything he/she wants to be.

There is enormous supporting evidence that quantity and quality of relationships are directly correlated to happiness

Post reply on HN