The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s • Hacker News Board

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#21

Post by meesterdude » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 3:51 AM UTC

quickthrowaway9 wrote: post #5

I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health. That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10 years with a crippling immune disorder and constant c…

Thank you very much for sharing this. It's gut wrenching to read, and I can only imagine even harder to go through.

But.

> I can't live without her.

What does she want? Because I imagine she would very much want you to live - to live an extremely full and vibrant life. The life you two had hoped to have. On her list of wishes, I'm betting thats among the top. And I bet among them, thats the one wish you could actually make good on.

Your love is wonderful - its why you do what you do for her. I hope you spend the rest of your life celebrating it and sharing it with others.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#22

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 4:06 AM UTC

pmarreck wrote: post #20

At least in your 30's, you're still quite marketable from a re-dating standpoint (not that that alleviates the present existential pain). Losing someone in the 50's might arguably be worse

[deleted]

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#23

Post by omginternets » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 4:58 AM UTC

luctor_ad_astra wrote: post #11

quickthrowaway9 wrote: post #5

I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health. That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10 years with a crippling immune disorder and constant c…

My wife died from cancer in November. We were married over twenty years. Life became despair. I can hardly remember 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016. Photos serve only to realize the delta you don't realize week to week. What a cruel, cruel disease.

My sincerest and most heartfelt condolences, friend. I can't even begin to imagine the horror of such a loss.

From one internet stranger to another: I truly feel for you, and I wish you strength, courage, and ultimately peace.

I wish I could do more, but here's a poem in my native language [0]. Victor Hugo wrote this shortly after his daughter's death. I hope it brings you some comfort.

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demain_d%C3%A8s_l'aube

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#24

Post by jensvdh » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 5:03 AM UTC

quickthrowaway9 wrote: post #5

I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health. That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10 years with a crippling immune disorder and constant c…

> And I can't live without her.

Fuck

:(

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#25

Post by throw_awayXVIII » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 5:18 AM UTC

meesterdude wrote: post #21

quickthrowaway9 wrote: post #5

I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health. That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10 years with a crippling immune disorder and constant c…

Thank you very much for sharing this. It's gut wrenching to read, and I can only imagine even harder to go through. But. > I can't live without her. What does she want? Because I imagine she would very much want you to live - to live an extremely full and vibrant life. The life you two had hoped to have. On her list of wishes, I'm betting thats among the top. And I bet among them, thats the one wish you could actuall…

Reading carefully, it sounds as though they both have HIV. They both seem to be coping with the prospects of the same terminal illness.

I'm uncertain how the range of different life expectancy time frames (days versus years) factors in.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#26

Post by max0563 » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 5:35 AM UTC

I found myself crying multiple times while reading this. I got a taste for her helpless and sorrow and I couldn't deal with it. I cannot imagine what it actually feels like to lose someone that you love as dearly as a spouse.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#27

Post by wwweston » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 6:15 AM UTC

“I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.”

(dialogue from Fred, nephew of Scrooge, in Dickens' _A Christmas Carol_)

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#28

Post by solipsism » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 7:26 AM UTC

Thanks to the people who have shared their stories here. I, for one, am going to use this opportunity as a reminder to make sure I have my and my wife's affairs in order. Sufficient life insurance, living will, that sort of thing. I have two small children, and I owe it to them.

I can't imagine living through losing my wife, but if I had to, or if she has to lose me, I hope the loss and grief aren't commingled with financial troubles, legal battles, etc.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#29

Post by ellenasr » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 7:27 AM UTC

> But there are no traditions

> for how a North American woman

> in the 21st century mourns her partner.

In many Asian cultures, we mourn for those who have passed for about 2 weeks. Then again 49 days later, and after that at least 3 a year (once on the anniversary of their death, another during the Tomb Sweeping Day [1], and another during the Lunar New Year.)

I feel with all these rituals, where family and friends will get together several times a year, it really does help the grieving process.

I also think this might be the biggest difference between collectivist vs individualistic societies. Where in collectivist societies, family and friends might sometimes feel overbearing because they involve themselves even in the tiniest details of your lives can be a lifesaver during times of extreme grief.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#30

Post by PascLeRasc » Mon, Dec 26, 2016, 7:28 AM UTC

This was a very moving yet difficult read. One of the things I value most in my relationship is always having someone there to listen to all the minutia of my day and to hear about theirs. There's always someone there who will be glad when you have good news and will get pissed off when you do too. In in a way it feels like living two lives. I can't imagine the shock of that kind of connection just completely ending one day. She really captured that well in the writing.

Also, it seems like she purposely cut off the ending how she did so it feels like there should be something more - just like one or two paragraphs missing.