How Social Isolation Is Killing Us • Hacker News Board

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#81

Post by remir » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 1:49 AM UTC

Baeocystin wrote: post #76

It's articles like this that genuinely make me wonder if I'm a weirdo because I actually prefer to be alone when at all possible. And I like people! I have no trouble engaging in small talk while getting to know new folks. But man, they wear me out. Even ones I love. At the end of the day, I need aloneness if I'm going to recharge for tomorrow's challenges.

Same for me. I think small talk is draining because it lacks authenticity and the possibility of a real exchange that allows both party to understand themselves better.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#82

Post by xapata » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:10 AM UTC

nommm-nommm wrote: post #23

smcmurtry wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many people who live in small apartments can and do host social gatherings. In my experience, how frequently someone hosts gatherings has more to do with their personality than the size of their living space.

Can confirm, I've been to many social gatherings hosted in Manhattan studios.

Sometimes it's even more fun and cozy in a tiny apartment.

In a big house, the party often naturally squeezes into the kitchen, leaving the handful of introverts to sit quietly in the living room.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#83

Post by prawn » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:13 AM UTC

Tempest1981 wrote: post #11

muninn_ wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right. It's not an issue of technology, for the most part, but it's the way American cities are designed. Instead of mixed-use walkable neighborhoods where people with a variety of incomes and backgrounds live, and stay put, we have suburban fortresses where people live in a box, never talk to their neighbors, drive a box to work, work in a box, then do it all over again. The national highway system was great for a n…

I think it's cultural. I've lived in apartments and condos designed with nice common spaces (pool, clubhouse, lawn, chairs), and those areas were empty 95% of the time. At most, a couple of people swimming, or a guy taking a phone call. We work all day, come home at 8pm, watch TV while surfing with phone, update Facebook, text a friend, go to bed. Repeat.

I think some people don't like being visible in a public space that includes "others". Maybe a feeling of being judged and feeling self-conscious as a result?

Go back 10,000 years and almost all people encountered would be people familiar to you. Any other instances would've been a potential stand-off. I'd guess it's a carry over from that.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#84

Post by xapata » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:17 AM UTC

Swizec wrote: post #50

xabotage wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've seen this brought up many times before but I disagree completely that American cities' designs are the culprit. I enjoy visiting my family in their "suburban fortresses" out in the Midwest where you have to drive a car to get anywhere. I enjoy it because it gives me a chance to recover from the crippling social isolation that comes with living in a city with roommates, taking buses everywhere, walking around in…

> I enjoy visiting my family > surrounded by people who don't care about you That's the difference. Not city vs. suburban. Where are the people that care about you and that you care about? That's where you will feel less socially isolated. I'd bet that if you went to a suburbia that doesn't contain your family, you'd feel just as isolated as you do in the city.

Not necessarily family. Having some good old friends can serve as a seed to start connecting with other folks in the community.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#85

Post by gexla » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:19 AM UTC

One of the biggest differences of the Philippines that I noticed on arrival was how many people are out and walking around in neighborhoods and around the city in general. One of the first comments my friend made when moving from the Philippines to the US was that she never saw people because everyone was either in their cars or their houses.

Personally, I love being alone. I don't get lonely though. It's from my social life where all my bad and unhealthy habits come from. So, I would say it's a wash for me.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#86

Post by skybrian » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:36 AM UTC

wott wrote: post #54

tnecniv wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I must be going to the wrong bars. Everyone I go regularly has people minding their own business.

> I must be going to the wrong bars. Very likely. There are bars where people go to be alone; bars were people go in a group to stay purely within their group; bars where people go to meet between regulars and are closed to newcomers; bars where people are opened to anyone, regulars or 5-minute newcomer; etc. The most classy, and also often the most hyped ones are the coldest ones. The most popular are often the warm…

How would you explain your good luck? Do you think it will work for other people?

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#87

Post by ams6110 » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:37 AM UTC

bvinc wrote: post #43

I think it's valuable to think about this problem from an evolutionary perspective. Almost every problem we have can be viewed this way. We should be asking ourselves how we were living 100,000 years ago. This is what our bodies and our brains are expecting. The whole concept of the nuclear family and a house and a fence is a completely foreign concept to our bodies because we haven't been doing it for very many gene…

If that's the way we "should" be living, why then as a society did we mostly chose to live separately in family units? It must have a survival advantage or we would have stopped doing it.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#88

Post by EGreg » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:38 AM UTC

conistonwater wrote: post #3

I like the article, but I gotta ask: why the focus on "new research"? Is "old research" not good enough? I suppose it might not be, but some of it should really be at least brought up. Here's a book from 1974 [1] by Robert Weiss, whose first (sample) chapter [2] reads very similar to the NYTimes piece, and covers many of the same issues, even before the internet was around. In particular, it draws the line (much more…

Or Putnam's "Bowling Alone"

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#89

Post by no_wizard » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:39 AM UTC

sirclueless wrote: post #70

no_wizard wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with this wholly. I used to play chess on a service called FICS and it had a decent social scene in some ways for someone who was growing up geek in a town that wasn't really giving avenues for it (I grew up in the rural Midwest...it's no rural south but it's not great either) I went back recently and it's usershio is wwaaaay down

Well, I think like every other loosely federated communication system from the 90s (except email), the scene has moved on to a couple proprietary platforms providing a better user experience. lichess.org and chess.com have pretty good scenes now, and you can still make friends there.

Thanks for those recs I'm checking theM out now!

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#90

Post by icantdrive55 » Fri, Dec 23, 2016, 2:44 AM UTC

tnecniv wrote: post #29

LeanderK wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i speak with strangers in bars all the time, seriously. I thought it's one of the reasons bars exists. Even most tinder-dates start in bars, because if it's not going anywhere there other people to talk to. You just might not get laid.

I must be going to the wrong bars. Everyone I go regularly has people minding their own business.

I have been to too many bars over the decades.

I usually went because I wanted to meet someone new. I had very mixed results. While I had mixed results; people did seem to interact with eachother. Yes--it was small talk, but interaction.

Fast forward to today. The smart phone seems to have just ruined the experience all together.

I can blame myself--I'm not the same social person? I've aged? I don't find people and their stories as interesting? Blah--blah--blah?

I don't know? I do know that Phone Stare is really played out. It seems like everyone is engrossed in that screen?

The last time I was out, I was in an Irish themed bar in San Francisco. The older Bartender was asked a question by a patron. "This place is dead?"

He then said, "Maybe you should put the phone away? Plus, the led light brings out all the fine lines around the eyes?"

Yea--it was kinda rude, but he said it in a joking way, and with that Irish accent it came across as kinda endearing. Someting a father might say?

The phone eventually went into the bag. A person sat next to her, and asked her if he could buy her a drink. They talked, and talked. They genuinely seemed content--

I walked out, and it seemed like 90% of the patrons were still staring into that screen. All looked kinda misserable. I thought--what could be so interesting? A fifteen dollar drink, and waste the time on the screen?

I don't know if we are going to put the phone away, but I hope I'm still around if that day comes.

(I understand pulling out the phone if your socially awkward, or shy, but after awhile of Staring into the Abyss, put it away? And yes, if your at lunch putting together that huge business deal; I get it, but most of us just arn't that important. You're in a bar because your lonely. Admit it! Own it! Life is short--no one is judging you, nor cares. That phone is a huge turn off on so many levels. This goes two fold for guys.)