Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

I met my wife on okcupid. I answered like 600 questions over time. If the other person has answered several hundred, it will create a match score that ensures a good conversation with someone who is 75% or better match. And a conversation helps two people get to know each other. I also ground away at the problem. There is a magic number of how many women you must contact before you find your girlfriend or wife. I can't tell you what the number is, but there is only one way to find out. That had me emailing dozens of women every 2-3 days. Don't let the metrics get to you; about 1 in 30 responded (there are old profiles out there), and out of those I went on a date with about 1 in 3 that responded. So over a few months I went on dates with maybe 10-12 different women. Some of them multiple times. All of them were fantastic, and I had a lot of fun doing various activities with them. But I didn't feel the chemistry until I met my wife.

Through this process, I just allowed myself to be myself. No pretense or trying to be who I thought they wanted. I allowed rejection to be a beneficial part of my process. I wanted someone who wanted me for who I am and vice-versa.

Of course, before I got into this process, I did what work I needed to do so that I was bringing something to the table. This is what "they" mean when they say "you need to get ready". I know, I was ready. Ready to bed the first woman I could. But "ready" really means having something to offer. Emotional availability, kindness, caring, being genuinely interested in someone else's problems. Not to fix them, but to be supportive and ready to help if called upon.

I can't stress this enough, what you have to give in a relationship is so much more important than what you want to get out of it. After all, that is what love is, giving to someone without a care of what you get in return. Second most important is knowing what you want, don't want, and what you can put up with, and knowing how to tell. The 10-12 women I dated before meeting my wife informed a lot of that for me.

I would just stay off of Tinder unless all you're looking for is a hookup. Tinder is superficial by nature; one look and swipe to maybe or no way. Hardly a way to identify a good mate. Actually, hardly a way to even identify a good hook up, because I can tell you from experience, hot meets hard doesn't always add up to great sex.

You're looking at this in the wrong order. You need to develop some sort of social circle first. Some friends that you look forward to seeing on a regular basis (weekly or bi-weekly). They can be men or women (not every woman has to be a potential partner). This isn't even necessarily about your future partner coming out of this social circle, but this is about having some balance in your life.

If you have no friends and find a woman who shows the slightest interest in you, you will end up smothering them, because they become your entire social life. When they realize that you don't have any significant friends other than themselves, they will run for the hills (and so they should!). Someone having friends is a way to validate that they are likable and a fun person to be around.

Focus on finding friends, through whatever interests you have. Turn off the "looking for a girlfriend" vibe for a while, because it colours everything you do. I know this is super cliche, but when you've got a life that you are happy with, with social activities and pursuing your career and hobbies, that is when you will be at your most attractive to prospective partners.

I feel you though, online dating sucks... until it doesn't. There were times in my 20s when I felt a lot like you describe, but in my late 20s, I met my now wife. We now have 2 kids and I couldn't be happier, but I sure cursed the name of online dating for several years before that happened.

I agree that going to the gym and getting in shape can really lead you to life improvements, but do so with a qualified trainer. It is easy to hurt yourself and leave things in a worse state.

I agree about socializing. Typically, people want to tell you something so you just open the door for them to do so as long as your approach is free of hidden objectives.

Regarding superficiality, I do find the above to be superficial, but I think things are just more superficial in general. With the rise of social media, people tend to gravitate towards people who meet their physical ideal before looking further. What that means is that there are fewer opportunities to "know" someone. So if you want to participate in the standard dating game, you have to participate in the superficiality of it to the best of your abilities.