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Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

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11–20 of 41 posts

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#11

SE asia. Seriously. You can probably get a 15/20 there but only a 7/20 here.

So you are telling OP that he got no chance 'here' and he should instead move to another area ?

It might be true but that's still not a good advice, you should rather ( if you know how ) advice him how to make it 'here' instead of 'there'.

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#12
Something that may help is to turn what you see as bad physically into something that's good. For example, since you're balding, it may look better to sport a shaved head and see if you can accentuate that with facial hair (if you can grow it) and a hat. If I ever started balding I would probably just shave my head because I feel that it would be a strange look to see part of my head missing hair. I would imagine that balding makes you look older than you do since you're 31 and balding doesn't usually start until mid age, so shaving your head may "reduce" years from your look.

Another important thing is to make sure you have good posture and confidence in your words. Make sure you stand up straight when walking but relax your shoulders lest you look like a police officer. And when talking to people in general (not just women) don't be afraid to show confidence in what you're talking about, be specific and upfront if you don't know something about a topic, and assert yourself in a conversation when appropriate. Also don't be afraid of silence in a conversation, it gives people in the conversation time to reflect on what was just discussed and possibly come up with another topic.

Lastly, the best way to meet other people -- dating and a significant other is important but friends are probably more important in the long run -- is to find activities that you would enjoy and meet them through that. If you like or are interested in tennis, dancing (ballroom, Latin (salsa, bachata, tango), swing), swimming, hiking, etc., start doing them and see if you want to keep with it. Specifically for dancing, there are generally not a lot of good leaders (men) so if you get good you'll get a lot of attention if you progress and Seattle is a good city for specific kinds of dancing like Argentine tango. And don't forget to build friendships on the lookout for a relationship; I do believe that friendships are at least as important in the long run than a relationship so do not forget to build them along your journey.

(Also as another commenter suggested, Tinder is not a good platform to find dates virtually. Okcupid is a better free service. I've heard positive things about Match.com but haven't tried it.)

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#13
Goto meetup groups and start meeting people with the same interests as you. One of those new friendships might blossum into a relationship, or more likely you'll meet someone through one of those new friends. Otherwise dating sites or apps.

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#14

Goto meetup groups and start meeting people with the same interests as you. One of those new friendships might blossum into a relationship, or more likely you'll meet someone through one of those new friends. Otherwise dating sites or apps.

And yet I've heard lots of women don't like it when advanced are made on them when they are at Tech meet ups.

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#15
post #14

Goto meetup groups and start meeting people with the same interests as you. One of those new friendships might blossum into a relationship, or more likely you'll meet someone through one of those new friends. Otherwise dating sites or apps.

And yet I've heard lots of women don't like it when advanced are made on them when they are at Tech meet ups.

Oh, you definitely don't want to hit on girls at a tech meetup, they can be uncomfortable enough for females as it is. What I meant is you make friends at meetups and those friends either evolve into a relationship, or introduce you to someone else who you become involved with.

Also, tech meetups are probably different all around the world, but here in NZ they are not the right place to be hitting on people or even making friends really. I was thinking more along the lines of meetups which were non-tech related, like exercise meetups, meetups around films or literature, or around food and socialising.

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#16
Honestly, if you're not a very good looking guy, you need to make up for that by being a interesting, confident, funny, and positive person. Emphasis on confidence. People seize on insecurity. If you're visibly insecure about your appearance, then yeah, it'll be an issue. The attitude you should have is "I think I'm great, I don't care what you think!" tinder is also the wrong thing for you because it's really for casual physical relationships where who you are as a person doesn't matter.

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#18
>> Where do you meet women if you don't have social circle?

I moved 3 times in my life to a different city and once to a different country and in my experience if you don't have a local social circle you high probably won't be able to sustain a healthy long time relationship. If you aren't Tony Stark you have to walk before you can run. Therefore at first you have to work on having a healthy private life with sport, hobbies and friends.

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#19
Never fall into the mindset that a partner is a requirement for personal fulfilment, that will just make you feel anxious while dating and miserable when it doesn't work out. Rather focus on just enjoying the moment. If you give the impression of being carefree and fun company that will make you more attractive to outsiders. If you are are positive, supporting and upbeat people will subconciously see you as a way to increase their own happiness. If you have the mindset of being unfulfilled and wanting, this will show. It's very difficult to act your way out of that as this requires mental energy that will fatigue you and woman have an inbred sixth sense for these things. I would focus on just forgetting about having to have a partner and think about yourself. That would mean finding and spending time with people who you enjoy. Thing will become much easier when you have friends to meet new people with together.

Talk to women, no matter how they look. Most guys are anxious about this, women find it refreshing to talk to men who don't have an agenda. If you're lucky they might even introduce you to their single friends. Even if none of that happens it's worth it for the friendships alone.

And don't forget to smile to strangers!

Re: Ask HN: Does anyone else have (or had) problems in dating or getting married?

#20
Luckily these are solvable problems.

You can trim/shave your hair.

With regards to clothing you can use instagram to follow men or pages whose style you like and use that as inspiration.

Finally, I'd recommend getting in above average shape. Make going to the gym a part of your life. An hour everyday before work of straight after.

While you're doing some/all of these, I'd start to just talk to everyone. Men, women, old and young. That way you get into the habit of becoming more sociable and confident.

I know these tips may sound superficial, but they help shifting an external locus of control into an internal one.

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