111–120 of 122 posts
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My guess would be that the exhaustion the commenter describes comes from the (perceived, and probably accurately so) need to follow certain social norms when in certain social situations. Such social norms wouldn't exist while spending time with one's wife.
What kind of commonly activated social norms are we talking about where you can get away without them around your spouse but not other people?
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Same here (40). I no longer enjoy spending time with my friends. I've tried to force myself to socialise, but I always leave early (I cannot bear it), stressed and sweating through my blazer armpits, and just happy to leave the occasion. Family seems so much more important to me now, and only somewhat stressful. I guess I'm an introvert. I don't think that's ever going to change, and I've come to accept it. I lose en…
> I guess I'm an introvert uh, you're sweating and freaking out when you're interacting with people. that isn't introversion, that's social anxiety or some other undiagnosed condition.
Socializing with strangers is boring and stressful, and I choose not to do it if possible. I don't feel like this is a condition that needs to be diagnosed and fixed :)
I think it wouldn't be wrong to guess that HN hosts a larger loner base than the general public. Most of us are introverts and we start life with a hindrance when it comes to interpersonal relationships. As we grow older, the gap between our communication skills and general public's grow wider. (It seems very similar to relative age effect.*) In a different world where communicators are scarce, we would be forced to…
A lack of interest in certain topics or unwillingness to engage in particular activities does not automatically imply that I think those are below me or that I'm superior. I'm simply indifferent.
This is a popular misunderstanding that people keep repeating over and over again "Oh he doesn't like X he must think he is too good for that.".
Second I disagree with the notion that complying with the social norm is "social/communication skill" while an unwillingness to conform, or being slightly different from the norm somehow means defective or low "communication skill".
I know damn well how to conform and make everyone approve of me and praise me for "communication skills" but I simply don't want to.
If I don't dive into the smalltalk that's because I have no desire to do so, not because of my communication skills.
It's like a bunch of introverts blaming the others for not having good "solitude skills".
How come we don't fault extroverts for not being able to shut up for a while?
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What kind of commonly activated social norms are we talking about where you can get away without them around your spouse but not other people?
trying not to fart loudly
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Nope. I'm an introvert, I spend the vast majority of my time with my wife. I rarely talk to others at work, and I almost never comment or interact with anyone on social media. Talking to people in any medium is exhausting.
Out of curiosity, what is exhausting about it?
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Nope. I'm an introvert, I spend the vast majority of my time with my wife. I rarely talk to others at work, and I almost never comment or interact with anyone on social media. Talking to people in any medium is exhausting.
Out of curiosity, what is exhausting about it?
I think it wouldn't be wrong to guess that HN hosts a larger loner base than the general public. Most of us are introverts and we start life with a hindrance when it comes to interpersonal relationships. As we grow older, the gap between our communication skills and general public's grow wider. (It seems very similar to relative age effect.*) In a different world where communicators are scarce, we would be forced to…
I strongly disagree with most of what you have described. A lack of interest in certain topics or unwillingness to engage in particular activities does not automatically imply that I think those are below me or that I'm superior. I'm simply indifferent. This is a popular misunderstanding that people keep repeating over and over again "Oh he doesn't like X he must think he is too good for that.". Second I disagree wit…
In every skill there are protocols to learn as a beginner and small talk is where you start when it comes to communication. I think that people are like programming languages. Each one of us are Turing complete, but each one of us are suited better for different tasks.
Small talk is the "Hello World" of human interaction. You start understanding other people's syntax and how they function through small talk. Extroverts understand that innately. You can't move on to deeper subjects with another person until you understand what they are made of.
We tend to dismiss small talk as unimportant so we fail to build rapport with our peers. Without rapport, our relations and the topics we discuss stay shallow. We start misjudging other people as shallow based on our interactions, failing to recognize our indifference toward other people is the root cause of this shallowness.
Communication is the pillar human society is built upon so it is a good idea to master its intricacies. Especially in this age if you want to build anything worthwhile, you have to have a deep understanding of how to communicate with others. If you have that understanding kudos to you.
We generally fail to understand that, and my first comment was exploring why I personally failed and became lonelier over time, hoping that it might help someone in a similar situation since being and feeling lonely is not good for the long term.*
To answer your last question; I think "mindfulness" is just introverts blaming others for not having good solitude skills and doing something about it.
Thank you for this interaction.
* There is a longitudinal Harvard study on happiness, you might want to watch the TED talk of its director : https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good...
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>started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with What do you mean by this, specifically? I've wrestled with the idea of finding people I have more "in common with," but I've ended up at a place where I think the idea of "best friends" is kind of an overblown myth, or at least it's a LOT rarer than people think it is. What's the fun in hanging out with someone who's the same as you, anyw…
> What do you mean by this, specifically? Well, I guess I can elaborate a bit. I have a bunch of obscure interests, and most people haven't even heard of them, much less share them or are nearly as interested in them as I am. I used to be ok with that, and would hang out with people who would want to talk about and do things that I have absolutely no interest in, but after a while I realized that I was wasting my tim…
You are completely justified in your solitude. As you said, it works for you. Yet I still believe meaningful connections (and personal growth) are abound without superficiality if you are willing to give it time and effort.
...Sometimes I believe it is the disparity between myself and another that leads to a lasting, meaningful connection more so than the similarity.