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What Great Listeners Actually Do

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Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#81

Post by thaumasiotes »

taneq wrote: post #57
Bahamut wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I despise the tactic of repeating back what other people said - it shows me that the other person isn't really dwelling on what I said, or more often in my experience, are using that to distort what I am saying in order to fit a particular agenda. I rather someone not fake listening in that case and wasting everyone's time.

I'm with you that repeating back word-for-word (or close to it) is not helpful. I think it's better to paraphrase back to the person talking; the closer the meaning of your paraphrase, the better it shows you've understood their point. Likewise with asking questions, if you can ask a relevant question that they haven't covered yet, it proves you're actually analyzing what they say. All of these things come under the…

> I think it's better to paraphrase back to the person talking; the closer the meaning of your paraphrase, the better it shows you've understood their point.

I have found in the past that paraphrased repetition can be all the other person is looking for out of the conversation. A stylized sketch:

A: Hey, I have this problem XXXX, I'm not sure what I should do about it.

B: Ok, the problem is YYYY [paraphrased]?

A: Thanks, that was really helpful.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#82

Post by bakhy »

interesting research. i wasn't really that surprised by what they say about suggestions - i always thought the problem with giving suggestions is not in suggestions per se, but rather in the way they are given. people often suggest solutions in a condescending way that sounds like they're saying "your problems are so easy, here's the solution". or, the phrase "why don't you just...". it's of course really easy to be objective about things that have nothing to do with you personally. but when someone really listens well, i think they will empathize more, respect the other person's feelings, and this will be felt in their suggestions.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#83

Post by teawrecks »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #74
Artoemius wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> O(n^2) listening: cross-comparing all the things they've said for informational pairings If you manage to think of a good hash function for everything they say, you can use a hash table and cross-check every new thing they say in O(1), which makes the total complexity O(n).

Which kind of describes a lot of discussions on the Internet - people pattern-matching what they see/hear to cached thoughts in their brains, and replying to those cached thoughts instead of to what was actually said.

Yeah, in computing, a cache is a hardware or software component that stores data so future requests for that data can be served faster.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#84

Post by hyperpallium »

graeme wrote: post #65
Bahamut wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If I don't understand something, asking someone to clarify on the part I misunderstand, asking someone to repeat what was said (with an apology prior - this is mainly if I completely missed what was said), or to give me insight on the detail(s) I am missing - leaving room for the other person to correct me is also important, as it naturally evokes a response if I have a detail wrong and give the person an opportunity…

But what about situations where you think you understand but you don't? That's often the point of paraphrasing back what was said. I do this in cases of doubt, and often enough I learn my paraphrase was either incorrect or had the wrong emphasis. I do it routinely enough that I often learn I was wrong when I had no doubts. This technique does not seem to annoy people; quite the opposite. I'm sure it can be done badly…

I wonder if the paraphrasing itself is seen by that commenter as the "distorting" to fit an agenda? Once or twice I've had people angrily insist that only precisely their words conveyed their meaning - no paraphrasing would do (in a non-technical discussion).

Some people also believe that ambiguity and misunderstanding are not possible, and so checking on their meaning is a waste of time. They don't see the ambiguity, because they know what they mean. Even after several misunderstandings have occurred.

I've mostly had success with active listening, especially when someone is upset. It's reassuring to be given space.

On the other rare occasions... some people really do have issues. Or, maybe I'm doing it badly, not able to adjust to the situation, the specific words and the person. I honestly can't tell which predominates.

Finally, it makes a tremendous difference whether the participants have the same general background and specific context and perspective - on the same page. And whether they are aware of any differences.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#85

Post by ptype »

Most people prefer talking to listening, so just asking a few question can get most conversations going. It's not unusual to hear someone say "we had such a great chat" when really that person did most of the talking. A trick that is used by many introverts, with great success.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#86

Post by morgante »

johnfn wrote: post #42
cellularmitosis wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article is freely interchanging the concepts "being a good listener" and "being perceived as being a good listener" from one sentence to the next. That's worse than arbitrarily changing the definition (but being consistent with it).

I don't understand there to be any difference between the two. There's no objective judge of listening. There's only the other person, and how well they feel heard.

There can definitely be separate concepts.

Someone could be perceived as a good listener because they put on a good show of listening and even ask questions in real time—but when you ask them about the conversation afterwards, they might have very little understanding of what was actually discussed.

Likewise, someone could be listening intently while doing a very poor performance of listening.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#88

Post by ericdykstra »

woodandsteel wrote: post #9

As someone who has taught and researched listening skills, I found this article very insightful. However, let me add that the simple skills they described at the beginning (not interrupting, saying "um-hum," and being able to repeat back), are still good to teach because they are better than what most people do much of the time. Here's another HN link on listening: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=12228062

Do you have any book recommendations on listening and/or conversational skills? I read one on a whim, and felt it was pretty insightful, but could probably stand to read another one or two.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#89

Post by 2muchcoffeeman »

PakG1 wrote: post #27
Bahamut wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I despise the tactic of repeating back what other people said - it shows me that the other person isn't really dwelling on what I said, or more often in my experience, are using that to distort what I am saying in order to fit a particular agenda. I rather someone not fake listening in that case and wasting everyone's time.

Either you frequently deal with very not nice people, or you for some reason have negative assumptions about those around you. I'd like to assure you that there are many people out there who use repeating back what other people say (a critical component of active listening) to sincerely verify whether they've understood someone correctly, as well as validate the idea that they are indeed listening.

I repeat what people say all the time, especially if I am asked a complex question to make sure I understand. A lot of people get annoyed at me.
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