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How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

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Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#71

Post by douche »

jdminhbg wrote: post #27
khedoros wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know that my wife appreciates hearing some about how my day went. I don't go into any really deep detail, but talking about how hard a problem was and how good it feel to solve it, or venting about something stupid that a coworker did are things I've come to enjoy. The technical details and why it was hard to solve aren't the parts that matter.

> I know that my wife appreciates hearing some about how my day went. I believe that. My girlfriend really pushes me occasionally about my day, and I think it's because she knows that talking about her day really helps her. I'm happy to listen for her, but I've just come to the conclusion that trying to recap things I've done makes me more stressed out, and the fifteen seconds of "no, I really don't want to talk abou…

That's a classic male-female issue. Women, for whatever reason, are conditioned to need to talk about things to process them. Men are more likely to brood in silence instead.

When I come home, I too would really rather not relive the last eight hours of fighting with broken hardware, broken tools, broken networks, and broken customers. Its time to put it out of mind, as best as can be done. I'd rather play with the dog, water the garden, and cook dinner.

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#72

Post by the_other »

Philipp__ wrote: post #60
Jean-Philipe wrote: post #43

> Call your grandma, friend, dad, girlfriend, anyone A bit offtopic, but the author seems to assume you are a straight coder guy. This was probably not his intention though. Why not replace "girlfriend" by something more neutral, like "your better half"? Being inclusive doesn't cost much, really.

I think everybody got the point. The dude was writting blog about keeping healthy social life, not sexuality. If we keep splitting it to atoms, it would be pretty distracting experience for writter of any blog post. Being a little bit inclusive doesn't cost much, but it could cost a lot if you go by your logic for every other thing...

Is there a book or a list of ways to brush an issue under the carpet? This is one of them, one of the most pernicious.

The language we use, especially the language we use casually, defines how we appear. To those outside the predominantly straight white male clique of programming, repeated exposure to these casual assumptions of stereotype pile up and create a sense that those not fitting the stereotype are unwelcome. Imagine if, every single day you had to drive around the same pothole in the road into coming traffic: eventually, you'd find a different route.

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#73

Post by alvarosm »

Jean-Philipe wrote: post #59
kraftman wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your comment seems to assume only straight coder guys can have girlfriends. The author is just giving examples of people you can talk to, if it just said 'Call your girlfriend' that would be different.

No. I actually thought it, but I assumed the author would refer to straight guys as an audience. I might be wrong though. I didn't not make any assumptions about his actual audience, only about the author's perception.

making assumptions is racist. and sexist. and very much not PC. shame on you!

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#74

Post by mattlondon »

Kiro wrote: post #65
skeletonjelly wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Probably an implied "good" modifier in there. Good relationships are a key part of being happy. Bad relationships...not so much

My relationship wasn't bad though. I was with the perfect girl who I loved very much. It didn't matter, my projects were still more important.

I'm not trying to convince you otherwise, but exercise caution with this mindset.

Your projects might feel more important now, but that may not always be the case in the future.

Speaking from my experience, as a younger guy I actually kinda enjoyed the 80+ hour weeks during crunch times on my projects and I was always supremely motivated and had the mental energy to basically abandon a social life and concentrate almost entirely on the work, including the time when I had my sister banging on my door one day in tears wondering if I was even still alive since my family had not heard form me for so long.

As I've got older and got more experience, those attitudes have changed.

Work and projects are important, but don't throw everything else away to pursue them. Projects can fail (often for reasons outside of your control), and companies will often show zero loyalty when it comes to redundancies or bankruptcies. Don't pin your life and your future (financially or emotionally) on these things - the money and success will come regardless of the hours you work if you're worth it.

tl;dr - For me companionship is more important than pouring my entire self into projects or work. It wasn't always the case, but as I've got older and more experienced, the importance of my work vs my life has only decreased and I'm richer now than I've ever been.

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#75

Post by douche »

the_other wrote: post #72
Philipp__ wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think everybody got the point. The dude was writting blog about keeping healthy social life, not sexuality. If we keep splitting it to atoms, it would be pretty distracting experience for writter of any blog post. Being a little bit inclusive doesn't cost much, but it could cost a lot if you go by your logic for every other thing...

Is there a book or a list of ways to brush an issue under the carpet? This is one of them, one of the most pernicious. The language we use, especially the language we use casually, defines how we appear. To those outside the predominantly straight white male clique of programming, repeated exposure to these casual assumptions of stereotype pile up and create a sense that those not fitting the stereotype are unwelcome…

Can we just not do this? Twisting every innocuous throwaway statement into some covert form of oppression gets really tedious after a while.

"Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!"

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#77

Post by Chris2048 »

saiya-jin wrote: post #44
galfarragem wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

By experience, the answer is quite easy: when both have the same occupation it gets boring very fast. It's much more enriching having the opportunity to learn about a different field than coming home and continue to listen about the same. Rationally I would never pick somebody from the same field as me.

yes and no... my fiancee is an internal doctor, and let me tell you, we have it damn easy behind the desks and computers. nothing really important at stake, no risk of killing somebody and ending up in jail because of some simple mistake under heavy stress, after 10 hours at work, say at 5 am. seeing people dying and suffering will change you, especially the young ones. a lot of those stories is not something you act…

> nothing really important at stake

Speak for yourself..

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#78

Post by clevernickname »

Jean-Philipe wrote: post #43

> Call your grandma, friend, dad, girlfriend, anyone A bit offtopic, but the author seems to assume you are a straight coder guy. This was probably not his intention though. Why not replace "girlfriend" by something more neutral, like "your better half"? Being inclusive doesn't cost much, really.

Thank you for this insightful, valuable comment.

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#79

Post by mattlondon »

pikachu_is_cool wrote: post #25
mratzloff wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At this point, the only "hobby" I have is programming. I don't even know what else I like anymore. Well, that's on you, but the good news is that you can change that as soon as you want. Why not start today?

I've been trying for the past 6 months, but I keep coming back to programming. Old habits die hard.

It is totally ok to just enjoy programming!

Do all people who paint water colours also have some other totally different unrelated hobby they are just as passionate about, like motorcycle restoration? I'd wager not.

For me, running became a sort of "hobby" as such - I guess you could call that "sport". What were the other things you were thinking about at school when you "played it safe"? Never too late to learn/relearn things.

Re: How to Have Healthy Relationships as a Developer

#80

Post by Rafert »

owenversteeg wrote: post #70

Personally, I don't think that having healthy relationships as a developer is much different than having healthy relationships as anyone else. As with any other technical job, it can be hard to explain exactly what your job is, but a bit of humor and an ELI5-style explanation goes a long way. One thing specific to programmers is the ability to whip up a little program to help people. Someone spends an hour every day…

Obligatory follow-up link to that xkcd: http://code.flickr.net/2014/10/20/introducing-flickr-park-or...
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