The Science of Making Friends • Hacker News Board

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#181

Post by saiya-jin » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 9:50 AM UTC

tomp wrote: post #174

trevyn wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The journal article cited for this indicates not that smart people are happier with smart friends, but that "More intelligent individuals actually experienced higher life satisfaction with lower frequency of contact with friends." http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26847844 A lot of the meta-articles seem to be hypothesizing that intelligence could be an evolutionary adaptation for dealing with novel circumstances, a…

> More intelligent individuals actually experienced higher life satisfaction with lower frequency of contact with friends Does the article imply causation or just correlation? If the latter, I would assume the causation is the opposite - happier people need other people less, because they're happier even by themselves.

this. if a person cannot be happy on their own, with only their body and mind present, then I believe they are not really truly happy. quite a few people I know claim happiness, very few actually are.

I don't mean flashes of happiness caused which happen in everyone's life, but stable, balanced feel that gets cannot be easily disrupted and rather quickly returns back.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#182

Post by stared » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 10:09 AM UTC

I (right not 30yo) consciously balance time spent "old friends" and "new acquaintances". While most the "acquaintances" never move into good friend, even a tiny fraction is worth it. (Also, it is wonderful for networking; being confined to one's circle of friends makes it harder to reach out.)

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#183

Post by xchip » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 10:25 AM UTC

aaron695 wrote: post #116

This is is more 'The science of losing friends' with unscientific advice on gaining them. I would be interested in science of making them. Or even a more analytical approach other than kinda obvious stuff.

Agreed, yet another article that promises to teach something, it's artificially long and the bottom line is stuff everybody knows...

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#184

Post by coldtea » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 10:29 AM UTC

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

>I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with (...) projecting an image, etc

Compared to teenagers?

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#185

Post by coldtea » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 10:36 AM UTC

nostrademons wrote: post #70

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

The problem is that even with co-workers at the same bank, or one's "society for foo" it's extremely difficult and rare to hangout after a certain age.

There are so many (work and self-imposed) obligations and "obligations" and BS, that it's even difficult to have quality/fun time with one's spouse.

And this certainly cannot be explained away with "the spouse is a tiny part of your current experience/identity".

So I think this answer doesn't cover the actual issue.

And it's not just workload either. Someone else writes below:

>In order to have impromptu visits that fill up the empty spaces in your life, you first need to have empty spaces in your life. That is largely incompatible with filling every moment of your life with work or career advancement.

But the lack of "impromptu visits" is also apparent in people who don't fill every moment of their life with work or career advancement. The killing of community/communal spaces, the advent of 100 TV channels and 8 billion internet/"social" options etc, also kill a lot of such time.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#186

Post by coldtea » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 10:42 AM UTC

coffeemug wrote: post #143

nostrademons wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

> if they have something in common, and confine their friendship to that thing What we all have in common is the human condition which is much, much bigger than hobbies, career paths, or political beliefs. We get sick, lose people, fall in love, have children, get better, meet people, and eventually die. Our surface area for meaningful, fulfilling interactions is enormous, but our culture is set up in a such a way th…

The "human condition" is so common to everybody to make it meaningless as a criterion for hanging out.

Heck, it doesn't even stop people sharing it from killing each other in wars...

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#187

Post by coldtea » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 10:43 AM UTC

jrapdx3 wrote: post #125

Having gotten "old" by some definitions, I've increasingly experienced the "friend problem". The article seemed to be addressing a "non-old" segment of the population, so I think it's appropriate to offer a few observations from a different perspective. It's not just me of course, even my very friendly wife notices dwindling friendships despite putting a lot of energy into keeping them going. We often ask each other…

>* It's not just me of course, even my very friendly wife notices dwindling friendships despite putting a lot of energy into keeping them going. We often ask each other "why is that?", but so far neither of us has a clue. The circle diminishes gradually, incrementally, the loss is one by one. Friends known for decades die, develop dementia, or move two thousand miles away to be near family.*

Well, turns out you do have a very pragmatic clue!

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#188

Post by agumonkey » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 11:19 AM UTC

nostrademons wrote: post #70

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

Younger we share some excitement, some common libido for things that brings us somewhere for the sake of it (games, places, shops, experience). As we age, we crystallize and what we shared isn't anymore and the need for enjoyment reverts to a smaller, stricter, more selfish need. No more experiment and discovery, more sustaining what our ego thinks is good and what works. With time feeling running faster we have less tolerance for subpar times.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#189

Post by tgb » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 11:48 AM UTC

baron816 wrote: post #114

Nimitz14 wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think he's got a good point. In what circumstance is 'screening' or 'Picking and choosing' in the context of his app not the same thing? What you propose would completely destroy his app for the reasons he already mentioned in his post. Have you not read his comment in good faith?

The issue that stonecraftwolf is raising regarding the platform is not at all unreasonable. I think there is a change that I could make that would allow users to leave a group with people they know they don't want to be in with before those people are notified that they've joined. So I'm going to be making that change and I think it will make Krewe better.

I find that a reasonable response, but people also join groups after you. So who gets to see who first? Why does only the new person joining get to screen the existing people and not vice-versa? Or if both happen, how?

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#190

Post by taigeair » Mon, Apr 25, 2016, 11:56 AM UTC

Xcelerate wrote: post #21

I know people keep trying (unsuccessfully) to make startups that help you "find friends", but it would be nice if one of these actually took off. I currently live in an area where I find it somewhat difficult to make new friends, and I'm not entirely sure why that's the case. Generally speaking, the people where I live are more interested in football/beer than technology/startups, but I actually don't think that is t…

I had an idea which was related to this. My idea wasn't to make new friends, but rather to figure out how you can be relevant to people you already know and grow that into deeper, better friendships. Honestly, I don't know how I can help my friends sometimes and feel they don't know what I'm struggling with, working on, etc.

Marketing page: http://www.littlequest.me

I had to put the app on hold because my friend dropped out on the project. It was in beta for a bit. Never officially launched. Still I hope to re-write it from scratch later this year.