The Science of Making Friends • Hacker News Board

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#111

Post by stegosaurus » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 8:50 PM UTC

nostrademons wrote: post #70

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

That only explains half of the picture, though.

The photograph in the linked article explains it quite well to me - regardless of how 'real' it is, there's a picture of a shiny gathering with the dresses and the shiny clothes and the fancy food, and so on.

And there's nothing wrong with that. I love me some good dress-up and the food there looks super yum. But the simple gatherings seem to have disappeared. Outside of family, do people visit just for the sake of visiting anymore?

I think it was the unified purpose, the school catchment area, maybe. That proximity. Everyone is everywhere now. My park is not your park, my pub is not your pub, etc.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#112

Post by elevenfist » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 8:57 PM UTC

A better article on how friendships change over time and in adulthood by the atlantic.

Key takeaways: (well, don't have time to write this out today, sorry)

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friend...

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#113

Post by dualogy » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:02 PM UTC

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

> You might be able to get one or two people to do something, but it'll probably mean some sort of sanitized commercial experience

Well perhaps people would hang around at a bus stop or street corner and just chat bollocks but it's occupied by 16-year olds.. ;)

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#114

Post by baron816 » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:03 PM UTC

Nimitz14 wrote: post #109

stonecraftwolf wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Picking and choosing" is not remotely the same thing as "screening," and that you conflate the two indicates that you either didn't read my comment in good faith or you missed the point by an almost insurmountable margin. I'd urge you to listen to the needs of your users. You managed to dismiss this out of hand in a way that implies you haven't thought much about women at all. Obviously you don't have to, and you wo…

I think he's got a good point. In what circumstance is 'screening' or 'Picking and choosing' in the context of his app not the same thing? What you propose would completely destroy his app for the reasons he already mentioned in his post. Have you not read his comment in good faith?

The issue that stonecraftwolf is raising regarding the platform is not at all unreasonable. I think there is a change that I could make that would allow users to leave a group with people they know they don't want to be in with before those people are notified that they've joined. So I'm going to be making that change and I think it will make Krewe better.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#115

Post by WalterBright » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:06 PM UTC

stegosaurus wrote: post #111

nostrademons wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

That only explains half of the picture, though. The photograph in the linked article explains it quite well to me - regardless of how 'real' it is, there's a picture of a shiny gathering with the dresses and the shiny clothes and the fancy food, and so on. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love me some good dress-up and the food there looks super yum. But the simple gatherings seem to have disappeared. Outside o…

I find it tiresome that it becomes hard to just have friends over. Have to negotiate a time, clean the house, get food, and if you're going to a friend's house you're expected to "bring something", etc. Sigh.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#116

Post by aaron695 » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:08 PM UTC

This is is more 'The science of losing friends' with unscientific advice on gaining them.

I would be interested in science of making them.

Or even a more analytical approach other than kinda obvious stuff.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#117

Post by calesce » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:08 PM UTC

haberman wrote: post #100

stegosaurus wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>> I don't mean to judge or brag It's not necessary to qualify comments like this. :) Sounds like we all need to move to Seattle. Maybe not too many of us though. :P I find myself thinking that there's an economic side to all of this. It might just be that my small hometown was less competitive. London feels like it has some sort of illness by comparison. A place to work, not a place to live.

Interesting! I have met some amazingly awesome people in London who I would totally hang out with if I lived there. But they are musicians, not doctors/lawyers/engineers. When I think about it more, most of my good friends come from my musical circles, not my engineering/technical ones. If I didn't have those musical circles, I wonder if I would be nearly as social. > It's not necessary to qualify comments like this.…

> When I think about it more, most of my good friends come from my musical circles, not my engineering/technical ones

Weird, I've had similar luck. My best friends in high school were all music buddies, and I felt closer to them than any of my friends (both technical or otherwise) I've made since then. Makes me want to move somewhere with a better music scene!

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#118

Post by massysett » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:11 PM UTC

Yet another of these superficial articles that is equating quality and quantity. This obsession with "how many" because it is easily measured is the same thinking that leads people to pump up their Facebook friend count.

OKCupid used to make the same mistake in their blog entries analyzing their message traffic. An ad that gets more responses must be better, right? Well, no. Getting one response from the right person is better than twenty responses that you are completely uninterested in.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#119

Post by cmurf » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:14 PM UTC

stegosaurus wrote: post #111

nostrademons wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've observed the same but interpret it differently. Life gets more differentiated as you get older. You learn what makes you happy and what doesn't, you experience different situations and react to them, and you make decisions about who you're going to be and what you're going to do. And all of that becomes part of your identity. It's part of your accumulated self-knowledge. And part of that is perceiving difference…

That only explains half of the picture, though. The photograph in the linked article explains it quite well to me - regardless of how 'real' it is, there's a picture of a shiny gathering with the dresses and the shiny clothes and the fancy food, and so on. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love me some good dress-up and the food there looks super yum. But the simple gatherings seem to have disappeared. Outside o…

Do a weekly (or monthly) dinner. They key is consistency (OK an informality: byob, bring something you like, open invite instead of rsvps, etc).

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#120

Post by stonecraftwolf » Sun, Apr 24, 2016, 9:23 PM UTC

baron816 wrote: post #105

stonecraftwolf wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Picking and choosing" is not remotely the same thing as "screening," and that you conflate the two indicates that you either didn't read my comment in good faith or you missed the point by an almost insurmountable margin. I'd urge you to listen to the needs of your users. You managed to dismiss this out of hand in a way that implies you haven't thought much about women at all. Obviously you don't have to, and you wo…

Please trust that I did read your comment carefully, agree with the issues you raised, and am working to resolve them. I sent you an email, with an apology, and my plan to fix the problem. I want all my users to feel completely comfortable and safe using the platform, and will respond swiftly to any issues raised. I believe there are certain unfortunate risks that people, and women especially, must deal with in this…

I think part of the problem here is the fallacy that if you can't eliminate a problem entirely then it's not your responsibility at all. This seems to be a common approach for some tech companies that deal with social interactions, and it's obviously convenient to simply wash your hands of something, but it's an abdication of responsibility. it's also just not how life works. No risk can be completely eliminated; it doesn't mean we don't take whatever steps are available to us to mitigate those risks anyway. People wear seat belts, they buy insurance, they use all sorts of tools to help them mitigate risk. If you make the decision not to provide your users with the tools they need to mitigate risk on your platform (or wherever), you are very much making a decision about what experiences and what users you value. In our current culture, that often means it's a hostile place for women. Again, that's a choice, but obviously it has consequences.

Baron, I've read your responses again, and I do think you are sincerely trying. But I also think you have massively missed the point. I don't think you are unique in this respect; in fact, I think you have a lot of company, and that's...kind of the problem. I appreciate whatever efforts you can make, and I really hope that you can try to seek out feedback from as many kinds of users as possible.