My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine • Hacker News Board

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#191

Post by studentrob » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 12:30 AM UTC

smoyer wrote: post #190

studentrob wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Whoa best comment right here! Sorry I know I'm not adding anything substantive. I just think this guy is super friendly.

It might be the longest comment on this thread, but those who added their comments and have fought through depression themselves offer a far more compelling argument that the OP should a) seek help and b) can beat this condition. The reality is that the "career advice" I offered is what I would offer to anyone who chronically over-worked themselves. I hope I'm friendly (in general). I like this community because you…

Haha well nobody's perfect. I like this community because it moderates the jokes and non-substantive comments. I know I will find serious discussion on HN.

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#192

Post by formula1 » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 1:14 AM UTC

InclinedPlane wrote: post #94

formula1 wrote: post #60

As someone who has suffered from depression for my entire life I can say the truth sets me free in a lot of ways. My life is a weird struggle between the feeling of hopelessness, paranoia makes me feel like I am worth taking care of and overall confusion of my emotions and what my best path. Today I believe that I am a dog, to be trained as a dog. Find what good things reward me and reward myself for doing good. Avoi…

Are you sure you're not bipolar? I thought I suffered from depression for 20 years until I finally figured out I was actually bipolar. The portrayal of bipolar in the media and the zeitgeist about it are not reflective of what it looks like, or feels like, in reality. More so, the prevalence of "bipolar 2" (depression + hypomania, not full on mania) is much greater than bipolar 1, but poorly understood by the public…

What you wrote and the article are spot on to my symptoms. I often pass off my intense excitement as a personality trait and have rarely met anyone similar. I often relate bi polar to uncontrollable changes while my changes are very reasonable and often predictable though prolonged and intense. I appreciate you sharing this information with me

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#193

Post by mistermann » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 4:20 AM UTC

NikolaeVarius wrote: post #143

mistermann wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you hate what you do for work? Kudos on being able to accomplish all the fitness goals under the circumstances, fwiw.

No, I actually somewhat enjoy it. I do wish it was a bit more technically challenging, but really, if I didn't work as much as I did and at the very least took a bit of enjoyment out of it, I probably would have killed myself last year. It's the only lifeline I have.

I was just thinking maybe you could find something you love. At this stage the salary you receive probably isn't terribly important. If you're that close to the end of your rope, trying fairly random solutions maybe isn't that bad of an idea.

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#194

Post by 1123581321 » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 10:17 AM UTC

depressedfather wrote: post #175

billmalarky wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If I stop working we'll be bankrupt within months. Is it possible to cut your cost of living significantly (by 50% or more through some extreme changes)? When the alternative is suicide, I'd imagine that almost _anything_ else is acceptable. I know you don't have the energy for this lifestyle refactor since you're working two jobs and depressed. Can your wife take on this responsibility? Lastly, bankruptcy is a grea…

My wife is unable, unwilling, to significantly change her irrational spending habits.

Is there any way you can siphon a small percentage of your pay into a separate direct deposit account you control? Even $100 per month accumulating for an emergency will be encouraging. And since your wife apparently spends until your money is gone, she may just stop sooner.

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#195

Post by altotrees » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 2:21 PM UTC

Life can be really hard sometimes, a fact that was lost on me when I was younger. I surrounded myself with friends who had big goals and dreams, starting companies, becoming VC's and the like. They claimed they didn't have time to be depressed, and that they were "killing it" no matter how things appeared to the outside world. I thought I was wrong to feel down and hopeless, like I was the only one feeling actual negative feelings on a daily basis.

A few years later, having lost two of those friends to depression and seeing others abuse various substances to blunt their feelings, I no longer feel crazy. I feel smart that I went and got help when it felt unbearable, rather than try to fight through it. I think American, and tech culture in particular, are still really hard places to discuss depression and the issues surrounding it. Thanks for the article, and all these insightful comments. These things need to be talked about.

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#196

Post by studentrob » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 6:13 PM UTC

depressedfather wrote: post #178

autoreleasepool wrote: post #62

I have been in and out of depression and obsessive isolation. The one thing that gets me through the hell that comes with it is my ability to (eventually) reach out to my friends and family. If you're ever feeling like you can't get through the dark times, please reach out to those who care about you. Even if those relationships are purely online. It helps to be reminded you're not alone, even when that seems like a…

I feel completely isolated.

Hey, did you call a therapist? Maybe we can help you find one. Zocdoc looks like an easy way to make an appointment [1]

You're as important as anyone else in this world. You're no less and no more important. We're all equals and you deserve a fair shot at happiness just like everyone else. If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter. She wants you to be happy she just does not understand what's going on, just like the girl in the article. She's better off with you around.

[1] https://www.zocdoc.com/

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#197

Post by neverknowsbest » Mon, Mar 28, 2016, 9:07 PM UTC

waffl wrote: post #182

I've read through almost this entire thread and was wondering if anyone has advice for someone whose is trying to support a loved one through a fairly significant depressive episode? While I imagine that the major benefit comes from personal will within the depressed individual, does anyone have any positive experience where a loved one or friend was able to provide support in a meaningful and beneficial way?

(just from personal experience, not a doctor. But below is what people have done that really improved my quality of life through depressive episodes)

#1 is take care of yourself--- you, the support-giver, should come first; if you start to get frustrated with caring for the person with depression they'll sense it and then close off 100%.

#2 bring them out to do things. Not necessary to be over the top happy, just seeing somebody motivated to do stuff, and willing to take the time to drag me along.... was great. The world always seemed a lot less bleak at the end of those days. The activity itself didn't matter at all, so no need to plan anything grandiose.

#3 after days that you've done something, touch base really quick the next day. Just a "had fun last night" text or call first thing, doesn't have to take much time. Just to stop the back-slide of the depressive mind's tendency to pick apart significant events and turn them vile and negative

#4 Don't _worry_ because that's a negative emotion (easier said than done when it comes to somebody you care for, I know), because it can cause a lot of feelings of guilt and burden in the depressed person. Show care with positive support like frequent check-in's, random visits with food and sundries, etc.

#5 Again, I can't say this enough: take care of _yourself_. Do not burn yourself out trying to be a 'be all end all' care giver. If you have to step away for a week, that's better than showing up miserable and resentful. And it will happen--- it's only natural to feel tired/hopeless/unappreciated/'done' sometimes, especially if you're supporting somebody with a very long depression that has nasty/antisocial outward mood side effects (like lashing out, transient paranoia, antisocial resistance to aid, and such).

I don't know if that'll be helpful at all, but you had no other replies and I've been the person receiving care/support before. I know it isn't easy, but it is _always_ appreciated.

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#198

Post by a3n » Tue, Mar 29, 2016, 1:34 PM UTC

zo1 wrote: post #151

samcodes wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure you need to have the policy for two years for them to pay out for suicide. So, you may as well get on meds for that time, and who knows, they might help a lot. They did for me. I was on Prozac around 2004. About a year ago I sought out help again and I am on 3 different ones, and it just feels like more of a science than it did back then. "Oh you're still sad? More Prozac!" So…

>" I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure you need to have the policy for two years for them to pay out for suicide " I was under the impression that most life-insurance policies don't pay out for suicide?

They do. It depends on the state how long they have to be in force. I think the idea is that a payout soon after starting the policy would encourage suicide (and payouts), but if you've had the policy for "long enough" you shouldn't be penalized for dying from a legitimate illness, which depression is.

Re: My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

#199

Post by a3n » Tue, Mar 29, 2016, 1:44 PM UTC

studentrob wrote: post #196

depressedfather wrote: post #178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel completely isolated.

Hey, did you call a therapist? Maybe we can help you find one. Zocdoc looks like an easy way to make an appointment [1] You're as important as anyone else in this world. You're no less and no more important. We're all equals and you deserve a fair shot at happiness just like everyone else. If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter. She wants you to be happy she just does not understand what's going on, just…

I'd like to know too, did you call? And if you didn't, don't give up, you can still call. It's so easy to take a minor setback and think "yeah, that's me, and why bother anyway?" But that's your illness talking.

It is worth it to try. And it's not that hard. Just call.

You are not at all worthless, you're just ill. Unfortunately the nature of your illness damages your ability to see that. It's one of the most vicious of cycles.

Look at all the people in this thread who are encouraging you to get help, many of us suffering from the same illness you have. You're getting a lot of different advice, but all of it is resting on the idea to take steps, because it's worth it. Because you're worth it.