My dad hid his depression. I won’t hide mine

I never took medication. I think that was a mistake that added years to my recovery. I'm still not sure I'm a person yet (but I'm optimistic about it). I never had the crushing sadness many relate to depression, but rather the emotional void variant [0]; I can't imagine how crippling it must be to not only fake happiness, but to also have to compensate for genuine unhappiness... I hope you find what you need soon. I have an account at gmail (see username) if you feel safe venting to an anonymous person; just keep looking for something that gives you the contrast to see what feeling normal is like (not even feeling good! Just normal. Life is sometimes brutally sad for long periods. And that's ok. But if you can't imagine feeling differently then maybe the mind's chemistry has wedged itself.)

Anyhow, if anything else comes out of this rather large thread of responses, you ain't alone. It's hard to slog through and find what works for you, be it a next gen medicine, meditation, or an hour on the motorcycle every day, you'll find the thing(s) eventually. Just slog through it a bit longer.

Also: we seem to only have the one life, so procrastinate on ending it. You've a worst case of dying of old age or accident, then, and you may just be surprised to be in a better place a few years from now. Being able to look back is certainly a luxury I cherish, personally.

[0] http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-par...

It's so silly, but this is to me the best, most consice write up of depression I've stumbled upon. YMMV. But my friends and I were in tears laughing over it - but over different parts. Depression nails a lot of people in different ways, so keep trying to fid the fix for you. It really does exist.

A few years back I had been bottling up a lot of issues and negative thoughts that had just manifested in my head over time and got worse and worse. I couldn't think straight, everything was an effort I literally felt like I was going to feel this way forever. I never considered self-harm and said to myself that I couldn't live with feeling this way day in and day out. I had somewhat of a breakdown (I was around 25 years of age living out of home with my partner) and had to take a week off work. I made the call and ended up getting an appointment with a psychologist later that week.

I was convinced I was screwed even after half a dozen appointments - mainly because I was too scared and embarrassed to say what was really bugging me out of fear of judgement by my psychologist (I know, it's their job). I felt like absolute garbage day in and day out and felt sorry for myself and feeling like I deserved better, I let it keep building up and building up and despite going to these appointments I kept shying away from explaining what thoughts and memories were upsetting me. One day I walked into an appointment and I was usually composed and pretty chirpy, this time I just sat down and bawled my eyes out and realized enough was enough. I explained all the negative thoughts that had been bugging me and that was the start of turning things around. I extensively credit my psychologist for helping me get my issues together and helping me finally get on the path to learning how to deal with these issues and overcome them.

I thought I was really depressed, when I really had severe anxiety and not much in terms of what constituted for 'depression' - I know the two can go hand in hand and one can be labelled as the other and so on. I kept at it and over the course of about 30 appointments over several years I was taught strategies on how to deal with negative thoughts, anxiety and so forth. I was in a job I didn't like one bit, living out of home with little money and whilst I was beginning to get on top of my anxiety issues which were dragging me down so heavily I knew I had to move on professionally.

I reduced my work load to part time, started studying Computer Science at University (my old job was non IT) which I have absolutely loved from the very beginning and am about two thirds through my degree. I was lucky enough to get some part time work as a developer with someone I know who needed a bit of help which I still do today. Since starting this new job I have felt like compared to the position I was into a year prior literally nothing could of gone better for me. I look back at myself two years ago in a job I really did not enjoy with constant severe anxiety looming over me everyday to the point where I didn't even have the courage to catch up with some of my closest friends. It dictated my life but I said enough was enough and I wasn't going to let it control me anymore.

It's taken me a lot of practice and persistence to be able to control the flood of negative thoughts that come to me daily and I still on the odd day struggle pretty bad. Like I mentioned above I haven't even finished my degree yet but am working as a part time programmer which I could not be more happy about as it is giving me great experience however I'm incredibly tough on myself to be as valuable to my employer as possible. Programming is something that from what I have discovered, experience plays a major part in how well you can do it - I currently have very little experience but put expectations on myself that I should be able to work as fast and have code as excellent and at a the same level of quality as my co-worker who has more years experience than me. It's an area where my anxiety tries to find a way in to get to me to drag me down and something that I have to consistently need to keep on-top of but at the end of the day I'm glad that I am finally doing something I am truly passionate about.

The main reason I have written this is because I want to encourage people who are feeling down for an extended period of time to seek help. You may not see it at the time, and I didn't believe me - but you can feel better. It scares me to think of where I would be had I not of walked into my psychologists office a few years back. It's the hardest thing I had ever done but it was the best thing I have ever done.

I maybe rambled on a bit too much but just wanted to share.

Thanks.

Wanting to commit suicide has been likened to being in a trapped building: no one really wants to die, but jumping out under your own terms now sure seems better than burning alive slowly.

And then you go and find the damn window is jammed and you're really trapped because even suicide is not an option.

That's how I felt. And it turned out ok. (Not great, but really anywhere is up :) I certainly don't and didn't feel the same as you for the same reasons - totally different life and brain chemistry, I bet - but the algebra works out the same. Stay alive and endure a bit longer, and maybe you'll find something that helps you cope and get a handle on things. The cool game-theoretic bit is that this is always valid. It's always worth putting off suicide longer, every moment of every day. You can die and end with naught (or in your faith that's a pretty brutal negative), or you can risk a few years more and still end for naught OR something positive. It doesn't even need to be very positive. Just beat the trivial null case of no-more-life and you come out ahead. Do that for a couple days, a couple months, put it off for a few years, and maybe the habit of wanting to live sticks.

And hey - video games are great. They keep me distracted, my friends in touch, and they're only getting better (despite what the old curmudgeons say). Stick around for a few years to at least see where the consumer VR stuff goes. Could be worth the wait ;)

As for me: I'm focusing on my friends and my career, not the uncertain prospects of romance. I don't even go to the local furry meetups anymore (all they really talked about was relationship drama, so not a huge loss).

Hope can be the biggest downer. I've learned to live without it. It's surprisingly liberating, actually. (I wouldn't recommend this for everyone.)

Now I'm returning to my roots. Why did I ever give up playing video games with my friends?