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I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

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Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#241

Post by DanBC »

Lawtonfogle wrote: post #220
openasocket wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can only be committed against your will if a mental health professional determines you to be an active risk to yourself or others. The key point there is that you have to be evaluated by a mental health professional: and it's not like there are psychologists roaming the streets evaluating strangers. There are only a couple of scenarios that can result in being evaluated: voluntarily (i.e. seeing a therapist) or b…

>voluntarily (i.e. seeing a therapist) or by some sort of court mandate (if a person accused of a crime displays signs of mental illness So what you are saying is that if I voluntarily seek a therapist, I could end up committed, but if I don't, then I have to have done something bad enough for me to be in front of the judge first. And people wonder why we have such issues with our mental health care system. (Not that…

> So what you are saying is that if I voluntarily seek a therapist, I could end up committed, but if I don't, then I have to have done something bad enough for me to be in front of the judge first.

It depends where you are. That's not true for the UK, for example, where a variety of people have powers to detain under the mental health act. There's a bunch of checks and balances built in to the system so while it's not perfect it's very far away from the misinformation some people are spreading in this thread.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#242

Post by GFK_of_xmaspast »

jahewson wrote: post #111
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> I strongly suspect both genders are equally susceptible to being manipulated by societal pressures. Sure but which gender does society place more pressures on?

Speaking as a dude who pays attention and listen to people of all genders, it's absolutely women.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#243

Post by LordKano »

st3v3r wrote: post #221
LordKano wrote: post #165

So... Why didn't she just give him a firm, but polite "I'm not interested"? I'm not saying that stalking and/or harassment are acceptable. I'm just saying that she probably could have avoided 14 years of misery if she had just politely told the guy that there was no potential for anything more. Women need to learn to reject people in whom they're not interested. They think they're being "nice" or at the very least, b…

She did. He escalated. Seriously, you have never dealt with this before. Do not pretend that you know what to do. And quite frankly, even if she didn't, that does NOT excuse this asshole for ruining her life.

According to her version of the events, she didn't do anything close to that for 11 years. By her own account, she ghosted, blocked and ignored in the hopes that he would "take the hint" except for when she was bored or lonely. Don't hint. Don't play games. Tell him directly that you're not interested.

You don't know what I have dealt with in my life.

Don't be melodramatic, he didn't ruin her life. He has harassed and stalked her, both of which are completely inexcusable but it's not like he's killing her pets, threatening her physical safety or sending boxes of excrement to her workplace.

Again, by her own account he didn't escalate to harassment or stalking until 11 years after they met. Perhaps she shouldn't have had to but she could have ended this before it began with a firm but polite "No thank you".

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#244

Post by chris_wot »

kaitai wrote: post #180
chris_wot wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know how it works in the U.S. but in Australia I had a situation where someone bumped into my mother on the road and intimidated her as she went down the highway. My mother noted the time, the license plate number and ensured she called the Police Assistance Line we have, after he passed her by. They referred her to her local police station. She went to see them the next morning, but the Officer on Duty refus…

Are you a guy? It might have something to do with the different response.

Dunno why you got downvoted, that's a valid response. Yeah, I'm a guy and yes, it did occur to me that might have been part of the reason I got a different response.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#245

Post by chris_wot »

dbcurtis wrote: post #65
chris_wot wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I shouldn't do this, but I will. In the specific case mentioned here, where state and Federal law enforcement won't take charge, why shouldn't she find a professional investigator to confirm who the perpetrator is, then use the same tactics he has used against her against him? After all, law enforcement refuse to take action right? So it appears that law enforcement wouldn't care if she ensured that he is kept out of…

I'm not sure an investigator is the most productive course. If it was me, I'd start with a Cease and Desist letter from a lawyer. Cost: about 2 billable hours. If that fails, since there is, in fact, a law being broken, and now the creeper has ignored a C&D, get a court order. No need to involve police, they can continue writing speeding tickets and tending to other urgent matters. If the creeper ignores the court or…

Now that's actually a very clever solution! Never considered this. Thank you.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#246

Post by rosser »

facepalm wrote: post #147
rosser wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They are more often confronted with the task of rejecting somebody... ...who might attack them . When your experience of "rejecting" someone includes having been subject to verbal, or even physical abuse, you learn very quickly to dissemble, dodge the question, and otherwise avoid confrontation. Don't think it happens? Ask your girlfriend, or your sister, or any other woman in your life. After you've heard their stor…

I have been screamed at by women, too (for example once I asked one who was struggling with a vending machine if I could help her). As I said - in general we try to be polite to prevent escalation of things. And it doesn't sound from the story as if the girl agreed to meet for dinner because she feared an abusive response otherwise.

Yeah? And were you physically intimidated by that woman? Could she obviously have overpowered you and visited violence upon you, if she'd wanted to? That is a very real threat that almost every woman (okay, maybe not Rhonda Rousey) faces in almost every interaction with almost every man.

Is it likely? No. Absolutely not. In many — if not most — cases, it's vanishingly unlikely. But is it possible? What do you think? Frankly, it's delusional not to believe that it does — and should — legitimately play into a woman's thought process pretty much every time she has to turn a man down for a drink, or a date, or when she says no, or tells him to stop.

It seriously blows my mind how many people apparently can't even attempt to look at the world from someone else's perspective, and instead just assume — and not even consciously assume, but the more insidious, unconscious kind of assumption — "Welp, this is how things are for me, so they must be the same for everyone else, too." That is some of the most myopic, unexamined "thinking" I can imagine, and it literally causes me pain every time I have to confront it, or try to engage with it, in whatever form.

And you just offered a perfect example of it: "I didn't feel threatened when that woman at the vending machine yelled at me, so women must not feel that way in a confrontation with men!" I know you don't actually believe that — at least not completely — but that's precisely the perspective that offering your anecdote as a counter to my comment conveys.

And then, on top of all of that, there's your victim-blaming. "She agreed to meet this taint smear for dinner, so clearly she invited his attentions!"

I mean, really?

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#247

Post by noobermin »

randyrand wrote: post #235
meowface wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While many people are like this, it seems a bit unfair to stereotype all women as gullible.

Was he talking about all women, or just the median woman?

This line of thinking could be used to justify all sorts of stereotypes. Not saying that's good or bad,but one could talk about the median woman, black, white, asian...etc.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#248

Post by rosser »

facepalm wrote: post #146
jahewson wrote: post #119

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Um how is the "societal pressure" not to be rude different for women and men? Where to begin? A rude man might be described as "tough", "assertive", or "confident". What would a rude woman be described as? Moreover, what constituted rudeness for a man? How about for a woman? See the double standard?

No, a rude man is typically described as rude or as being an asshole. And women can be tough, assertive and confident, too.

While true, it ignores the very pertinent fact that the behaviors that are called rude in women are often called something entirely different when they're done by men. Women behaving assertively tends to get them called bitches, and ball-busters, and other, far less printable things.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#249

Post by btilly »

jsmthrowaway wrote: post #219
TACIXAT wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow, what horrible advice. It might escalate if you get a restraining order? Yea, no shit, but then they can also go to jail. If someone is harassing you, silence is not the solution. A bully might beat you up if you tell someone what they are doing, but it will more likely get you the help you need. Maybe not for your specific situation but that is really bad advice for victims. Speak up, take action.

I'm suspicious of the whole thing based on that advice. It's basically victim blaming, and I have a really hard time imagining an FBI agent saying "avoid restraining orders because your stalker will probably kill you and get dogs because lol you are just fucked." That's a very shitty tone to take and is practically masturbating atop a victim's fear. Regardless of opinion on LE, I can't imagine someone who made it to…

My email is in my profile. Email me if you want, and I'll give you enough additional details that the story should make more sense.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#250

Post by facepalm »

rosser wrote: post #246
facepalm wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have been screamed at by women, too (for example once I asked one who was struggling with a vending machine if I could help her). As I said - in general we try to be polite to prevent escalation of things. And it doesn't sound from the story as if the girl agreed to meet for dinner because she feared an abusive response otherwise.

Yeah? And were you physically intimidated by that woman? Could she obviously have overpowered you and visited violence upon you, if she'd wanted to? That is a very real threat that almost every woman (okay, maybe not Rhonda Rousey) faces in almost every interaction with almost every man. Is it likely? No. Absolutely not. In many — if not most — cases, it's vanishingly un likely. But is it possible ? What do you think…

You really exaggerate. Most such interactions happen in public spaces. A man can not just beat up a woman in a public space on a whim. Most woman don't walk around in constant fear of men, either. Perhaps the opposite is true: we are all so used to people being polite that we don't know how to react when somebody isn't, like a stalker who doesn't get the hint. (And can I just say Trump...). If that girl had had more encounters with messed up men she would perhaps have reacted differently.

I actually tend to be afraid of women going mental. These days, they might be armed. When I walk home from the tube at night I always worry the woman in front of me might get it into her head that I could be following her and suddenly draw a weapon on me. So, in your own words, it is unlikely, but also possible that a woman could go violent on me. There are also the false rape accusations - women have many options to ruin a man's life.

Also, I never said she invited the attention, just that her agreeing to go for dinner was not because she was afraid he would become violent otherwise. There is nothing in that statement that validates his actions. Don't just shout "victim blaming" as a knee jerk reaction in any discussion about women, it's ridiculous.

I boggles my mind that you assume so many things, and seem to be so cocksure in your opinions.

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