111–120 of 279 posts
Office environments today are like minefields. A man never knows when his next step, word, or simple action will be misconstrued as harassment. Hold a door? Thats harassment. Wink ;-) in an email or IM? Thats harassment. Tell an off-color joke? Thats harassment. Complement female coworkers outfit? Thats harassment. Stand too close in an elevator or inline at the canteen? Thats harassment. Getting caught looking looki…
> In the span of a week, I went from feeling excited and motivated about my job to feeling lethargic, anxious, and unenthused. (...) I was kissed on the cheek, asked to sit on my manager’s lap, told about my manager’s sex life and virility (...) There exists a breed of narcissists who are so incapable of tolerating rejection that they will consistently ignore every sign of it. In fact, the less you are satisfied with…
I'm a hetrosexual male who's done everything from construction to coding. At every job I've had--workers, mainly guys, but so, so many women too, discuss their sexual life. (In all honestly, women have told me too more personal things (sexual in nature) at work, over men. The big difference is these women had no power over my career. And the difference is they weren't "hitting" on me. When I was a younger man--yes so…
That said, I think it's the "to a point" that's the difficulty here. Because that point is a socially-negotiated line and may be different between different coworkers, in different work contexts or surroundings, or just on different days. And... pardon to say... but "we" (as computer science professionals) aren't renowned for our attention to social cues and ability to navigate and be informed by same.
In short, I feel like sexual harassment training might better be spent training on soft skills / communicating and reading ones coworkers better.
PS: This absolutely applies equally to both parties in the original blog post. With the additional responsibility that the manager, as an individual in a position of authority, has a higher standard to uphold than the employee. Either they misread or ignored signals that these topics made the employee in question uncomfortable, or such signals weren't clearly given. In either case, communication breakdown.
PPS: Simultaneously, I know I produce my best work when I feel like my team (including management above me) knows and communicates with me as more than a cog -- and yes, sometimes this includes crass language / semi-appropriate jokes or stories. In a lot of ways, it's a verbal trust-fall exercise. If I'm uncomfortable with anything, I try to clearly communicate that back to whoever is sharing.
>In that week, I was kissed on the cheek, asked to sit on my manager’s lap... >Protect yourself and others. Report it to HR. The correct response is to punch him in the face, defend your personal space with extreme prejudice.
I don't agree, but upvoting because I think it is worth discussing the idea that women get attacked like this (and that's what sexual harassment is) because the men think they can bully the women. Perhaps not a punch in the face, but a clear shove away may go a long way towards making the point. I am also suspicious of approaching HR first . Perhaps a lawyer has written about how to handle this online, especially wha…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
The problem is that often you might not be entirely sure about what's going on. In her case, the kiss in the cheek might just be cultural confusion (in Spanish-speaking countries we do that even with strangers). Of course, after the lap thing... I don't even have words... How can you treat other people like that.. you are put in a position of power/responsibility and they use it to degrade others..
Well this was in the US, where people do not kiss colleagues on the cheek. I know your intentions are fair in mentioning this cultural practice but that sort of justification also presents a fair amount of minimization of obvious harassment. I mean, do you kiss everyone on the cheek in Spanish-speaking countries or just very close friends?
Office environments today are like minefields. A man never knows when his next step, word, or simple action will be misconstrued as harassment. Hold a door? Thats harassment. Wink ;-) in an email or IM? Thats harassment. Tell an off-color joke? Thats harassment. Complement female coworkers outfit? Thats harassment. Stand too close in an elevator or inline at the canteen? Thats harassment. Getting caught looking looki…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Unwanted sexual advances "from a superior" is the bit that makes it harassment. You can ask out a co-worker but you don't ask out people where there is a power imbalance in the relationship, it's not rocket science.
Is Bill Gates' relationship with Melinda Gates sexual harassment?
"The owner of the company I work for approached me in the car park and asked me to dinner, I said to ask again nearer the time"
Fortunately for Bill Melinda went with option 2. Had she gone with option 1... Unfortunately the problem is that it relies on the other person, which is why many places have policies about this sort of thing.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Well this was in the US, where people do not kiss colleagues on the cheek. I know your intentions are fair in mentioning this cultural practice but that sort of justification also presents a fair amount of minimization of obvious harassment. I mean, do you kiss everyone on the cheek in Spanish-speaking countries or just very close friends?
EVERYONE. In Spain they do it twice. Cause they are gangsters.
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Can you really trust HR to do the right thing?
If you can't trust HR to do the right thing or they don't, it's time to leave.
You should go to HR anyway as a way to strengthen your case and have a documented precedent, but it should never be your plan A. They cannot be counted on to help you directly, because that's not their actual job.
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You should spend less time condemning other people and more time reading what they wrote. It's great that your mother felt confident standing up to abuse. Not everyone does — and someone early in their career, knowing that their entire life trajectory can be affected by their boss's reviews and networking, is going to feel different than, say, an established figure in the field or a worker at a union shop who can exp…
> You should spend less time condemning other people and more time reading what they wrote. You could spend less time assuming I didn't read everything. The attitude of "saying she should stand up for herself, at least once, before going to HR" is hardly "condemning".
That is not the attitude you have been espousing. 

Office environments today are like minefields. A man never knows when his next step, word, or simple action will be misconstrued as harassment. Hold a door? Thats harassment. Wink ;-) in an email or IM? Thats harassment. Tell an off-color joke? Thats harassment. Complement female coworkers outfit? Thats harassment. Stand too close in an elevator or inline at the canteen? Thats harassment. Getting caught looking looki…
If you think her actual claims are not harassment, then argue that.
Harassment, to me, is what bill collectors and bullys do. They call you repeatedly, they post about you on social media. They follow you home.
Why not call it this -- her boss is an asshole, and she didn't call him out on it.