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Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

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Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#61

Post by fimbaz »

noir_lord wrote: post #21

Used okcupid last year, went on 3 dates in the first two weeks, ended up seeing one of them for 3 months, lovely woman but just not a long term fit so no regrets. Not used it since while it was fun I'm just not at a point where I want another long term relationship. I seemed to get quite a few messages from women which is very strange since I'm on the "a face only a mother could love" side of the attractiveness curve…

Brutal honesty is highly underrated in online dating, but you have to be confident about it. Women (and men for that matter) can smell desperation from 3000 miles away over a 56k modem. Sounds like you've figured it out :).

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#62

Post by earlz »

Eric_WVGG wrote: post #59
newday wrote: post #27

Having just been back in the scene this past week, this is disturbingly accurate. I'm 41. I'm surprised by the number of women that are still on the site from the last time I went through this 5 years ago. I have a large profile, with a ton of hooks for conversation, and yet the number of girls I talk to on there either don't want to or can't be bothered to ask a question. And unfortunately, the one that does, I have…

> you'll message a girl, and ask a question. She'll respond with the answer, and that's it. this. Most of the interactions I’ve had go something like… “I see you like [some author that we both like], have you read [an older book or something related]?” “No.” “…” I’m left with the impression that we’re in the middle of a massive societal shift whose rules are still being written, and by the time it all gets sorted out…

Hell, in 2010 when I was still single I encountered this through text/IM and all that. Worse scenario is if you end up "dating" or there seems to be a budding interest in person, but online/SMS communication still goes like this followed by "why don't you ever talk to me?" I'm so glad I'm married now heh.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#63

Post by TeMPOraL »

MilnerRoute wrote: post #54
newday wrote: post #27

Having just been back in the scene this past week, this is disturbingly accurate. I'm 41. I'm surprised by the number of women that are still on the site from the last time I went through this 5 years ago. I have a large profile, with a ton of hooks for conversation, and yet the number of girls I talk to on there either don't want to or can't be bothered to ask a question. And unfortunately, the one that does, I have…

My experience of online dating taught me one thing: you have to actually meet someone in person before you ever really know what they're like. If you can just enjoy that -- the novelty of meeting a new person - then whatever happens, dating can still be an interesting and less-painful experience. The best advice I ever got seems illogical and is barely workable. ("Love always happens when you're not looking for it.")…

I think the advice is pretty sensible, even if counterintuitive. Love happens when you stop caring so much about looking for it. "We're both lonely" is probably the worst social object to build a relationship around. Just stop looking for it and go enjoy the rest of life with people (personally I do not subscribe to the view that relationships are the most important thing in life; while I like them, I also like a lot of other things). Start attending events, meetups, parties, where you can find people with a similar interest to one of your own, and - here's the actual hack - just make sure that the group contains people of appropriate age and gender. Before you know you'll find yourself gravitating towards someone :).

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#64

Post by throwawaydate »

For an interesting time try foreign social media, for example I go on Russian facebook and see who is in my area here in Vancouver, Canada. It revealed dozens of single late 20s students doing graduate degrees which is my age range so I simply ask them out with nothing on my profile but a picture. I also used another site (topface? badoo? can't remember) and it was stocked with foreign students too. I'm still dating a girl I met off VK last year.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#65

Post by noam87 »

jarcane wrote: post #35

What triggers a flash of actual nostalgia is a memory of the days when you met someone in the real world, perhaps at an activity that both of you enjoy, perhaps someone who wasn’t even supposed to be your type. That person might have caught your fancy, and the first order of business was to figure out whether he or she was, like you, unattached. Honestly people, you can still do this. Nothing's stopping you. You know…

Met my current very lovely girlfriend online (and many other perfectly lovely people, some of whom are still friends).

I think the number 1 mistake people make online, which leads to disillusion, is thinking that online dating is a replacement for meeting. I hear all the time complaints of not being atracted to any of their matches, or that they seem boring, etc. etc.

"Well, did you meet?" "No, he's so not my type."

How can you possibly know? Instead, understand the purpose of the online phase, and adopt the following strategy:

1. Match with someone who does not seem completely unappealing (some people look a lot worse online than in person... and vice versa. To a striking degree! -- Being charming in a chat room and sexy in a picture does not always carry to the real world).

2. Make sure they are not a completely insane person.

3. Skip the Q&A. Ask to meet up for a quick lunch.

Your goal is to meet as many people as possible. Forget it's even a date. Seriously, every day go have lunch with someone new. Worst case scenario, you had a boring meal. Best case scenario, you had 30-60 minutes to talk one-on-one with someone interesting: now ask them out for a proper date!

To me this is far superior to trying to subtly-or-not-so-subtly hit on people at random events, or, God forbid: a bar.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#66

Post by TeMPOraL »

onion2k wrote: post #44
noir_lord wrote: post #21

Used okcupid last year, went on 3 dates in the first two weeks, ended up seeing one of them for 3 months, lovely woman but just not a long term fit so no regrets. Not used it since while it was fun I'm just not at a point where I want another long term relationship. I seemed to get quite a few messages from women which is very strange since I'm on the "a face only a mother could love" side of the attractiveness curve…

Also the less I look the more women I seem to end up going on dates with, not sure how that works either. People who are "actively looking" often come across as really creepy. When you stop doing that you're a lot more likely to get a date.

Not sure if "creepy" is the right word. I like to interpret it as women having a natural defense against being hit on. When you don't look like you're searching for a date, they tend to lower barriers, and by the time they start feeling attracted to you it's too late for them to raise those shields back. :).

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#67

Post by throwawaydate »

noam87 wrote: post #65
jarcane wrote: post #35

What triggers a flash of actual nostalgia is a memory of the days when you met someone in the real world, perhaps at an activity that both of you enjoy, perhaps someone who wasn’t even supposed to be your type. That person might have caught your fancy, and the first order of business was to figure out whether he or she was, like you, unattached. Honestly people, you can still do this. Nothing's stopping you. You know…

Met my current very lovely girlfriend online (and many other perfectly lovely people, some of whom are still friends). I think the number 1 mistake people make online, which leads to disillusion, is thinking that online dating is a replacement for meeting. I hear all the time complaints of not being atracted to any of their matches, or that they seem boring, etc. etc. "Well, did you meet?" "No, he's so not my type."…

I also skipped Q&A and awkward cold introductions when using dating sites. I just straight asked them out and usually got a yes. I don't even read profiles they're usually all BS anyway, you meet the girl and she admits everything in it was a facade for work/school peers or judgemental family who found her account what she was really into you discover in private.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#68

Post by IvyMike »

> Could it be age? Well, maybe for you it could, but in my case I frankly don’t see how. I am, after all, still in my prime as a “40-something” — a label I’d argue is perfectly valid, in much the same way that 3:35 could be described as “a little after two o’clock.”

I get that this is a joke, but to give the full context, he's 58 years old. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfie_Kohn

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#69

Post by jazzyk »

scardine wrote: post #31

It is a numbers game and the problem with dining is that you can only make one try per night. Try the old school method: take ballroom dancing classes. Ballroom dancing is not only funny, it is a very clever algorithm to select a long term partner, and one of the best features is that you can try 40 partners per night. I used to be that guy that sits in the corner drinking all night: "dancing is not for me". Can't be…

This. Also, try yoga...

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#70

Post by omegaham »

tedks wrote: post #42

Every time I see an article like this on hacker news it reminds me of how disconnected and out of touch the userbase on this site is. I know so many people my age who claim to use hacker news, but I almost never see comments that seem to be from anyone under 30 or even 40. It really hammers home how startups and entrepreneurship is rapidly becoming a game only the mega-rich can play, and which virtually all millenial…

24-year-old here. I don't have much expertise in the vast majority of HN topics, so I mostly lurk. Every once in a while, something will pop up that I can somewhat contribute to, (semiconductor manufacture, fitness, dating, etc) but the vast majority of things? Nooope.
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