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Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

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Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#41
post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Imagine if matchmakers existed on the same scale and employed the same tactics as IT recruiters! A terrifying thought.

Hi there, I see you have experience with crazy women. I have an opening right now that sounds like a great fit!

More like...

Hi there, saw your profile online and was very impressed. I see you're looking for brunettes in their thirties in Metro Boston. I have a blonde in St. Louis who is just a bit over 50 but who I think would be PERFECT for you. Call me ASAP.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#42
Every time I see an article like this on hacker news it reminds me of how disconnected and out of touch the userbase on this site is. I know so many people my age who claim to use hacker news, but I almost never see comments that seem to be from anyone under 30 or even 40.

It really hammers home how startups and entrepreneurship is rapidly becoming a game only the mega-rich can play, and which virtually all millenials are excluded from.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I seem to recall that most of the questions are user submitted.

I don't know about most, but many are; you earn the right to create questions after having answered enough yourself.

Certainly by numbers virtually all questions are user submitted. The first ones you see are the okcupid-written ones. You used to be able to see who wrote a question but after match.com bought okcupid that was quickly phased out in favor of the very stripped-down appified UX you see now.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#44

Used okcupid last year, went on 3 dates in the first two weeks, ended up seeing one of them for 3 months, lovely woman but just not a long term fit so no regrets. Not used it since while it was fun I'm just not at a point where I want another long term relationship. I seemed to get quite a few messages from women which is very strange since I'm on the "a face only a mother could love" side of the attractiveness curve…

Also the less I look the more women I seem to end up going on dates with, not sure how that works either.

People who are "actively looking" often come across as really creepy. When you stop doing that you're a lot more likely to get a date.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#45
post #42

Every time I see an article like this on hacker news it reminds me of how disconnected and out of touch the userbase on this site is. I know so many people my age who claim to use hacker news, but I almost never see comments that seem to be from anyone under 30 or even 40. It really hammers home how startups and entrepreneurship is rapidly becoming a game only the mega-rich can play, and which virtually all millenial…

You can participate in startups by joining one. Certainly no requirement to be 'mega-rich'. I'm not understanding this notion at all.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#46
post #35

What triggers a flash of actual nostalgia is a memory of the days when you met someone in the real world, perhaps at an activity that both of you enjoy, perhaps someone who wasn’t even supposed to be your type. That person might have caught your fancy, and the first order of business was to figure out whether he or she was, like you, unattached. Honestly people, you can still do this. Nothing's stopping you. You know…

I don't think on-line dating is a sham. It seems to be a natural answer to the growing problem - meeting people in general, and potential romantic partners in particular, gets an order of magnitude harder when you finish education. For most people, it's suddenly 9-10h/day spent at work (8h + commute), and it's hard to maintain a social life when you're both a) tired every evening, and b) required to be in good shape the next morning. Of course, many deal with it perfectly fine. Many deal only sort-of, which is why workplace romance is so common even though employers try to fight it as much as possible. But then there's a large group that simply can't find the right opportunities. On-line dating is great for those. And it works at least sometimes - I personally know of people who met and got married through one site.

That said, I'm totally not surprised by your observation about Facebook events. It's more natural to meet people like that, without prior obligations. People tend to be more open, and conversations more genuine. Especially if this is a topical event, you automatically have people pre-selected for interest compatibility. Just like money can be detrimental to the projects of passion, on-line dating seems like "trying too hard", compared to casual meetup. I tried using a dating service once, and such dates actually felt to me more like a business transaction than a meeting of strangers. But then again, I'm shy, I prefer going the roundabout way :).

And to add N=1 story, my success in finding a potential future friend or romantic partner tends to be inversely proportional to how much I try, and a direct function of number of events and public appearances I make. I'm thankful for services like Facebook and Meetup, which let you know about interesting events in the area without having you spend a ton of time on finding them.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#47
There was a TED talk where a woman tried to crack the algorithm for a dating site - and succeeded. She tried things like creating fake profiles to identify popularity-provoking words (like "fun"), and eventually succeeded in creating the site's #1 most popular site, drawing thousands of responses.

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#48
post #37
post #8

I wonder if it's just me or does the complaint concerns mostly oc cupid, which is very data obsessed. For example Tinder, a far more successful online dating tool seems to be much much simpler in purpose and not suffering from those problems. In other words - I think it's specific to data obsessed nerds take on online dating and not the problem with online dating at all :-)

I don't think Tinder is very effective. Most guys swipe right on everyone, meaning girls make the first choice, then guys select from those that they mutually matched with, to start a conversation. That's the summary. Still, it's like the first iteration of the Stable Marriage algorithm :)

What makes it effective or not is if it's actually producing dates.

Makes sense for a guy to swipe right on most women. Being selected by the woman is the swipe that matters. Not much different than the real world. Same economy.

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#49
post #27

Having just been back in the scene this past week, this is disturbingly accurate. I'm 41. I'm surprised by the number of women that are still on the site from the last time I went through this 5 years ago. I have a large profile, with a ton of hooks for conversation, and yet the number of girls I talk to on there either don't want to or can't be bothered to ask a question. And unfortunately, the one that does, I have…

I think it's probably more efficient to be mysterious and let the woman's imagination do the rest. Maybe you have written too much on your profile?

Re: Clicking for Love – The Curious, Odious, Hilarious World of Online Dating

#50
post #27

Having just been back in the scene this past week, this is disturbingly accurate. I'm 41. I'm surprised by the number of women that are still on the site from the last time I went through this 5 years ago. I have a large profile, with a ton of hooks for conversation, and yet the number of girls I talk to on there either don't want to or can't be bothered to ask a question. And unfortunately, the one that does, I have…

Going by what you typed here, I can't help but think you might be going about it the wrong way. When you talk about not being attracted to the people who talk to you or are in your age range, are you going purely by looks? Maybe if you met up with them and talked over coffee or whatever you might start to develop attraction. It's entirely your prerogative if you want physical looks to limit your dating pool, but just seems like an unnecessary restriction to me.

Another plus of meeting up with potential dates is you do get to make conversation. Having a back-and-forth Q&A won't help you get to know someone. You get to learn facts about them, but you won't learn if this person is fun in conversation, if they can keep up with you or you can keep up with them, if you'll see them as an interesting conversation partner or boring, etc. I think at the messaging stage it's about trying to establish friendliness and familiarity, and of course of establishing basic facts about this person (although if that person was a dog, I would most definitely want to meet the dog!), with the goal of setting a meeting time. The face-to-face meeting is where you try to find compatibility. The face-to-face meeting will also let you confirm facts about their profile (bots can't meet in real life, and if a dog was chatting with you I would most definitely want to meet them!).

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