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When Are You Really an Adult?

theatlantic.com

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Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#61

Post by h4waii »

beccasanchez wrote: post #30
sdegutis wrote: post #16

I'm 30, married, have 4 kids (with one on the way), own a house, and have a good job. But I cannot grow a mustache or beard, except for a small patch under my chin; the best I can do is literally a neck beard. I'll never feel like an adult. Ever.

This is hilarious. But do you realize you're implying that women can't be adults? The discussion sounds a lot like 'when do you become a man' than it does 'when do you become an adult.' For instance, most women throughout history were financially dependent on their husband. They would not make independent decisions. They were not solely responsible. Did that mean they weren't adults? The 20-30% of women who still bec…

Are you serious? Disregarding the fact that it was never stated what sex the poster was...

They said "I'll never feel like an adult". Emphasis on I'LL and FEEL. Not NOBODY, or EVERYONE, nor IS or BE. I'LL FEEL. Completely personal question, to a completely subjective answer -- yet you came here and contort their response in some misguided attempt to be upset with someone on the Internet so you can feel something.

Come on.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#62

Post by goodJobWalrus »

cm2012 wrote: post #59
goodJobWalrus wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm speaking purely from a personal level. Maybe it's cultural. I have grown up in a country where women work, so I never met a housewife. It would really be hard for me to feel independent while asking my husband for the pocket money. The few housewives I met later in life were quite infantilized compared to working women I know.

According to Slate's tool here, only 9% of married couples have only separate bank accounts (the situation where you have to ask your husband for pocket money if you don't have a job) : http://www.slate.com/articles/life/home_economics/2011/01/ou...

My husband and I have a joint bank account. I still don't feel that money he earns is my money.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#63

Post by marknutter »

beccasanchez wrote: post #31
marknutter wrote: post #8

I hold that there is one very specific moment that signifies the transition from childhood into adulthood that is universal for all people – the moment you first realize that when it comes down to it, you are the only person who is responsible for you . That eventually, the charity of others will run out and all that will be left is your own reflection staring back at you, at which point you will need to decide wheth…

So stay at home house wives can never be adults?

Of course they can. It's not about whether you are taking care of yourself financially right now or not. In fact, being an adult has very little to do with how much money you make. So for a house wife, it may be the realization that they cannot rely on their husband to be the sole breadwinner forever. At any point they could be killed, leave for another woman, or lose the will to earn a living or even live.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#64

Post by ejk314 »

ergothus wrote: post #12

I'm approaching 40. I've never been "aimless", and while I can definitely increase how often I take responsibility, I'm doing well. I own a house, am married, taking care of my mother, employed, socking money away in a 401k (probably not fast enough, but it's happening). ...and I've never felt like an adult. I can have the weird dichotomy of having friends young enough to have missed everything I relate to my childho…

A relevant comic: http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=2651

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#65

Post by true_religion »

beccasanchez wrote: post #43
goodJobWalrus wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a woman, I think so. At the minimum, you need to make your own money to be independent, and independence is necessary to be an adult. I can't imagine feeling grown up, and at the same time asking my husband for some money each time I need to buy something. (Financial) dependance infantilizes a person. There is a reason why unemployment is depressing even if you have a roof over your head and food to eat.

So quadriplegics and other people with insoluble medical issues that make their lives dependent on others can never grow up?

This is an odd direction to take it. The entire thread of conversation has been premised around the unspoken law of 'you are an adult when you feel like an adult', and we debate under what conditions that feeling will truly settle in.

Since its self determined, someone can be quadriplegic, and feel like an adult; then they'd explain to us why they do.

It's not up to us to determine if they are.

Someone could be in the same situation and feel infantilized by the fact they can't feed themselves, despite being successful in every other aspect of their life. We could try to tell them they're still an adult, but in the end... we can't force the sensation of adulthood on them. No one can.

The person you are responding to was speaking about themselves, in their own feeling as a woman. Perhaps some women would feel utterly different, but that's no reason to take offense. I personally think the original posting of 'being an adult means you are the only person responsible for you' is western-culturally dependent.

In my culture, people will hound you about your behaviors till the end of time so long as you share a last name or a bloodline with them because as far as they are concerned family is responsible for everyone, always. Thus independence has nothing to do with adulthood. Adulthood, is rather the capacity to give more to the family than you take away from it.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#67

Post by cm2012 »

goodJobWalrus wrote: post #39
beccasanchez wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So stay at home house wives can never be adults?

As a woman, I think so. At the minimum, you need to make your own money to be independent, and independence is necessary to be an adult. I can't imagine feeling grown up, and at the same time asking my husband for some money each time I need to buy something. (Financial) dependance infantilizes a person. There is a reason why unemployment is depressing even if you have a roof over your head and food to eat.

Just a quick add (thanks for the great convo) - Psychologically, to me it is a matter of thinking that even if you don't bring money into the relationship you still have full and equal rights to it (family money is family money, source is forgotten). To me, it's weird (but understandable) that you don't think money he earns is your money too and vise versa. But I think both interpretations are equally valid.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#68

Post by theoh »

marknutter wrote: post #8

I hold that there is one very specific moment that signifies the transition from childhood into adulthood that is universal for all people – the moment you first realize that when it comes down to it, you are the only person who is responsible for you . That eventually, the charity of others will run out and all that will be left is your own reflection staring back at you, at which point you will need to decide wheth…

This is a very loaded perspective. Have you considered the possibility that it might be wrong, if not for you, for some people?

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#69

Post by dizzystar »

ergothus wrote: post #12

I'm approaching 40. I've never been "aimless", and while I can definitely increase how often I take responsibility, I'm doing well. I own a house, am married, taking care of my mother, employed, socking money away in a 401k (probably not fast enough, but it's happening). ...and I've never felt like an adult. I can have the weird dichotomy of having friends young enough to have missed everything I relate to my childho…

I was talking to a coworker about this. She is 26 and I said "you honestly don't change, like ever."

Granted, I skipped the part about changes that are surprising, but mentally, we are who we are and that feeling of youth never really left me (nearing 40).

I think that there is only two phases. The day you stop reinventing yourself and exploring possibilities, allow yourself to live in a rut, spend more time in front of a TV than out exploring the constantly changing world, and have nothing to show for the past year's effort but a beer belly, is the day you die. I wonder if that is what was meant by adulthood at one time in the past.

As for feeling "younger" than younger people, well, I've always been sort of an old soul, but I think most people would consider my somewhat childish because I don't think about or talk about my experiences too much. I try to live in the moment and don't feel like I should share some aged wisdom. Life is more interesting and insightful with laughter, IMO.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#70

Post by MollyR »

goodJobWalrus wrote: post #54
beccasanchez wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So quadriplegics and other people with insoluble medical issues that make their lives dependent on others can never grow up?

I truly don't know, I've never met a person who is dependent on others due to medical issues, so I wasn't referring to them.

I bet most people would consider stephen hawking an adult.
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