Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

To me deep friendships are the distilled product of having many shallow ones. One does not go out to make deep friendships, one goes out to make friends or acquaintances and some of those contacts will deepen over time.

I was an army brat, moving to a new place every couple years (at least). Later in life, I started moving in parallel of my family for my studies. I moved to China right after I graduated and have been traveling more than I'd like ever since: I actually spent the past 3 or so years living full time on Airbnb or short term leases between Shanghai, SF, Berlin, DC and NYC.

And I still meet people.

I do have people regularly becoming good friends. Not that many, but then I've always preferred small circles.

You could very well engineer your way through it honestly, but you must realize that, like sales or marketing, this mostly involves dealing with people. And people are tricky.

Code will give you an instantaneous (or close enough) feedback; it compiles and crashes, or fails test/QA. You get that in seconds, hours, maybe days or weeks.

With sales, you throw yourself out there and start seeing results down the line, weeks if you're very lucky, but most likely months after you kicked things off. And before it yields any results, you have to be consistent in your effort to reach out and maintain the relationship with your prospective clients.

You want friends. You really really want to? Well then time to start organizing dinners with the ones you know already, or throwing a casual party at your place next weekend. Propose a drink after work once in a while or plan activities that others can tag along with. Encourage them to invite their friends as well, and slowly, but surely, you'll get invited back and introduced to new folks.

Overall, be upbeat and open minded.

But again, and that's the real tricky part, you can't just "try real hard for 2 weeks" and then give up. You'll have to be consistent and resolute for a while before you get anywhere. Like all good things in life, it takes time.

I know that you probably want to maintain your privacy, but you just missed a good opportunity here to make friends via HN. You should say what state/city you're in, and you might be surprised at how welcoming people can be.

I was in a slightly similar situation in the late 90's when we moved from Florida to western NY. My wife was from this area, but I didn't know anyone. I made a few neighbor/friends, but it was tough because my wife hadn't been back home for many years and we had our own small business (no work acquaintances). I ended up learning to play ice hockey and joined a local group of guys that play pick-up every Sunday morning (we go for coffee afterwards and discuss whatever for a couple of hours). Long story short: I've known them for over a decade and they're now all like brothers to me.

It's tough to join groups when you don't know anyone. But, don't sell yourself short. Many people find it interesting that I've lived over a decade in 3 different US states, so you're practically Christopher Columbus in comparison. Oftentimes the things that we find the most boring about ourselves are exactly that which makes us the most interesting to others.

Good luck !

get a hobby - preferably one that requires you to be outdoors (sports, hiking, photography etc). you can't believe how many people you meet, some of them are bound to be good friend material.

A lot of questions like this (how to get dates, rise up the ladder, find friends, etc.) have the same answer (well essentially). All you got to do is -

1. Get out there 2. Be yourself

I wrote a whole essay a minute ago, but really it could be a whole course. Like the theme of YCombinator with startups, do things that don't scale.

Find a purpose that you can bring to the table. Can you code well, play a sport, sing, draw? If you have a skill or a hobby then pursue that. I find friends for every activity I do. Its not that I'm trying, but people are everywhere doing everything.

Those people you find in bars aren't always friends since forever either. Life experience tends to make people more emphatic towards each other, right? We all have gone through schools, jobs, and relationships. Had ups and downs. Sometimes its just nice to sit down with anyone who's listening to talk/rant/laugh about those moments.

I'm 31 and work 1hr and a half from home. My house is in a town 2 hours from where I grew up. I knew no one when I arrived but now know plenty of people. And not just in my town, but all over. Some of my favorite people I have met the past couple of years. I tend to see them only once or twice a year. When we do meet up, we can spend all night talking as if we grew up with each other.

If you're open to be a little transparent and also are interested in hearing other people's stories you'll do fine. You'll find it get much easier the more you allow yourself to chill out.

Try this - If you're really having problems meeting folks try the following. 1. Find any gathering where people would be active in your favorite hobby 2. Give yourself only 10 minutes (you can stay the entire night, but 10 minutes from when you arrive to when you leave is enough) 3. Listen in on a conversation (or join the activity for a session) and add a couple of knowledge here and there 4. Leave

What have you learned? You learned how to find people! You may also have found a couple of people who you ended up hanging out with for the duration of the 10 minutes. You might have even stayed the entire night having fun. You may even have had a few FB invites coming your way.

Remember, most people are usually game for new experiences. You are that new experience. Get out there and have some fun!