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Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

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Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#11

Post by Tomte »

solusglobus wrote: post #8
solusglobus wrote: post #3

Read the book by Dale Carnegie ( http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06... ). Joining events on http://www.meetup.com/ can be helpful too.

To the OP, if you do not have time to read or if you are not sure whether it is worth reading, you can read the summary at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen... First impression is very important when you are meeting anyone. One of the most important takeaways from the book is "be genuinely interested in other people".

I've written another summary, focused only on a few points, but a bit more flesh, not just bullet points: http://www.2uo.de/how-to-win-friends/

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#12

Post by randomsearch »

- Meet people through work. You have to kinda treat this a bit like dating, and make real effort - when you meet someone you get on with, you'll need to invite them for coffee etc. Do this sooner rather than later. Go to social events that are loosely related to your work.

- Activity groups. Meetup.com, Couchsurfing, Nightclasses. Charities and volunteering.

- Become a regular at a bar or a cafe. Go there frequently, even if on your own to read a paper at the weekend or one evening. Get to know the staff, as that provides a bridge to knowing other regulars.

- When you do go out for any reason, be open to talking to people. Get into the habit of it, and if you encounter good conversations be sure to get the person's twitter/facebook/phone/email, just look for an excuse to send them something that you're both interested in. Then if you get a good chat going, look for an opportunity to meet up.

- Explore the friendship networks of the friends you already have. When you go to events with existing friends, make sure you get to know the people they bring along. There's a much higher chance of liking a friend-of-a-friend rather than a random stranger.

- Send social signals about the kind of person you are. e.g. wearing a SpaceX T-Shirt will definitely attract other space geeks for chat in random bars/cafes.

- More philosophically: remember that whilst you might not meet good friends if you go to the cafe this Saturday, you certainly won't meet them if you don't socialise at all. And it takes time - for every night or day you socialise, you probably won't meet anyone interesting about 80% of the time.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#13

Post by teekert »

Hackerspaces, (Team) Sports clubs, Join a band/music societies. I think it is easiest when you find a place where people gather that share your passions. How pleasant are people that become enthusiastic when you tell them about yourself? Building Friendships is really building, you won't pick them up somewhere so you need repeated interaction.

I have childhood friends, they feel little enthusiasm when I tell them about the 434 MHz transmitter I use on a Raspberry Pi to switch my lights. The never even booted Linux. I feel very alive when among people with my interests: Open source software, hardware tinkering. My employer (a worker assignment company (is that English?)) facilitates this, I highly enjoy it. I think I could build some friendships there, but I don't need it at the moment (young kid at home). That said, I sometimes feel I should drop some old friends in favor of new ones... Maybe later ;)

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#15

Post by breakbot »

People in the US have to move fairly often for graduate school, jobs, etc. While some subset of the groups you're seeing are childhood friends, a large number of the people you're seeing have probably not been friends for all that long in the lifetime scheme of things!

Creating new friendships is difficult and quite similar to dating. It sounds like you're already part of a few groups, that's great! A good next step would be to approach interesting people w/in that group on an individual level and see if you have friend chemistry. This blog has a lot of great advice for the type of person most likely to end up on HN. http://captainawkward.com/2011/12/19/question-153-how-do-i-m...

Best of luck

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#16

Post by Spearchucker »

So I just read down to the bottom waiting to see the answer - common interests - but didn't.

It's that easy. Find something you love doing, and you'll inevitably find and meet like-minded people. You'll naturally gravitate to one or more in that community and the seeds for friendship awesomeness are yours to nourish and grow.

Personal experience has yielded 20+ year friendships by skydiving, scuba diving, radio control, and martial arts.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#17

Post by pja »

Friendships are formed most easily when people work together over a period of time on a shared mission.

Find something that you want to do & go do it with other like-minded people. Talk to them about more than just the thing you are doing together, put the effort into getting to know them. Eventually some of them will become friends.

This is why you hear all the advice to 'join a club', 'join a sports team', 'go to church', 'volunteer somewhere' etc etc. But just joining up isn’t enough - you still have to put the effort in to make those personal connections.

It’s a long, slow process: we don’t realise how long it takes when we’re young because the experiences of youth (school, college) automatically create the conditions in which friendships can grow and flourish. Once we’re adults, those conditions no longer automatically happen & we have to put the effort in to making them happen ourselves.

In the meantime, actually doing something that you believe is worthwhile alongside other people is a great salve for loneliness, even if they aren’t 'friends' at that point in time.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#18

Post by jakobov »

Most of the comments here are about how to make friendships, not how to make "deep friendships".

I have found the best way to work on a mission together. Go out to town looking for a nice girl(or guy) to date. Work on some project together. Go on a traveling adventure.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#19

Post by kaybe »

rullopat wrote: post #6
solusglobus wrote: post #3

Read the book by Dale Carnegie ( http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06... ). Joining events on http://www.meetup.com/ can be helpful too.

I've red it. It's made of behavioral patterns for sellers mostly, I think you will not get any real friend following the teachings of that book. Meetup events are a much better way.

When you find yourself following the advice in the book without trying or thinking about it is when you have met potential friends, I think.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#20

Post by elorant »

Hobbies man. What you lack in childhood friends you can earn through activities pals. At least half of my friends I met them at some activity or hobby. People use to bond when they share a common interest. Take some artisan classes, cooking sessions, art tours, or simply enlist yourself in an amateur sports club. There are also a gazillion of adventure clubs, from hiking to mountaineering to the very extremes, targeted to all ages and physical condition. And even if you’re strictly a geek and you find none of the above attractive you could try joining a pen and paper old fashioned D&D club.
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