Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#1

Post by thepredestrian » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 8:46 AM UTC

About 7 years ago I arrived in Canada from Southeast Asia to pursue a degree in Computer Science. I graduated and landed a decent job right after in the US, and have been working here since.

I have made many efforts to go out and meet new people, but unfortunately at this age it gets harder and harder to form deep and meaningful connections or friendships. Everyone already has their own childhood friends, family, support group that they have built themselves around their whole lives and grew up with. To them, I am just another 'colleague' or 'fellow member of X and Y group', and I know our friendships will never go past a certain level.

I walk past bars and cafes on Friday nights and I see groups of young adults in merry conversation and laughter. They are most probably friends since childhood / high school and I know I will never be a part of a group like that, because it is just too hard to break into a clique that already has formed a common connection amongst themselves, and the 'making friends' phase is over.

How do I overcome this sense of loneliness and dismality?

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#2

Post by stdbrouw » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:22 AM UTC

Friendships form when you repeatedly interact with the same person. This is not likely to happen at a random bar, but it most definitely can happen in a cooking class, when volunteering, playing music with people in a band, routinely getting together every Thursday night with others in your local makerspace and so on. Especially if you have to actually work together: perhaps offer your help to a local cause you support, perhaps a CoderDojo?

Also, FWIW, very few adults still know their childhood and high school friends and most people gradually lose the friends they make in college. It's just what happens, and while it will be harder for you to form new friendships, we all have to work at it. I don't know anybody who'd say "alright, I now have all the friends I desire, I hereby declare a ban on new friendships."

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#3

Post by solusglobus » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:24 AM UTC

Read the book by Dale Carnegie (http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...). Joining events on http://www.meetup.com/ can be helpful too.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#4

Post by EToS » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:25 AM UTC

Social groups are good way of meeting new friends, tech meetups, karate, tennis..

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#5

Post by pmiller2 » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:25 AM UTC

Upvoting this, because I wish I knew.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#6

Post by rullopat » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:28 AM UTC

solusglobus wrote: post #3

Read the book by Dale Carnegie ( http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06... ). Joining events on http://www.meetup.com/ can be helpful too.

I've red it. It's made of behavioral patterns for sellers mostly, I think you will not get any real friend following the teachings of that book.

Meetup events are a much better way.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#7

Post by [deleted] » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:29 AM UTC

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#8

Post by solusglobus » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:33 AM UTC

solusglobus wrote: post #3

Read the book by Dale Carnegie ( http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06... ). Joining events on http://www.meetup.com/ can be helpful too.

To the OP, if you do not have time to read or if you are not sure whether it is worth reading, you can read the summary at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...

First impression is very important when you are meeting anyone. One of the most important takeaways from the book is "be genuinely interested in other people".

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#9

Post by acqq » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:34 AM UTC

If you work, for example, 60 hours a week somewhere, at worst sitting in front of a computer, and on a rare times of freedom you ask hourself that question, it's probably not going to work.

You probably have to change the priorities in your life: work as the support not as the primary meaning of life. That also means actively investing time (a lot) in non-work activities. That's what's hard to do, since we acquire the habbits through the decades. Even worse, whichever company you work for will probably not like that the time of your physical presence decreases.

It's possible. But you'll have to actively pursue it and change.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#10

Post by alashley » Tue, Nov 17, 2015, 9:37 AM UTC

I think the best way to meet new people when you feel like an outsider is to find other outsiders. By that I mean people who are also trying to fit in and meet make connections. Find things that you like doing that are welcoming to people who may not necessarily be in a group/family etc.

When it comes to making friends you also have to decide what types of friendships/relationships you want. Some people need only one or two close friends or a partner, and outside of their other hobbies, they are fulfilled. On the other hand, others prefer to have large numbers of acquaintances and be a part of a few social circles. There's overlap between the two types, but knowing what you want from your relationships will help you position yourself better to find what it is you want.

I'm 31 now, and I think there is always the possibility of meeting new people. Things happen in life, and people's situations and perspective's change. The friends that suit us at one stage of life may not suit us at another stage of life, so naturally we seek out other people. A partner that continually decides to grow and change with you is the exception to this, but we're always moving from stage to stage.