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Friends at Work? Not So Much

nytimes.com

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Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#11

Post by ceras »

sudo_bang_bang wrote: post #3

"In 1985, about half of Americans said they had a close friend at work; by 2004, this was true for only 30 percent" This decline precedes the Uberization of work (where people work more part time gigs with less coworkers around). It even precedes smart phones and being totally mired in watching our social media accounts when we get free time at work, as opposed to interacting with those around us. I can only speak fo…

I feel similarly, but I also don't want to be friends with my coworkers. I'd rather we keep a friendly, polite distance in our relationships. I love my job, and go to work to actually work: my social interaction comes from elsewhere, on my own terms.

I honestly think this keeps things more productive. There's less room for wasting time socializing, or worrying about people feeling left out, or (like you said) offending people, or anything else that takes time away from work. I've personally seen it happen where relationship concerns ("why won't they talk to me more?") get in the way of people's comfort working together. It's just silly to me. It has no place in the workplace in my mind.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#12

Post by qmalzp »

ps4fanboy wrote: post #5

This is just risk and reward at work. People subconsciously fear the consequences of offending someone in the work place, with very little upside most people prefer to just keep it about work and nothing else.

It's not even subconscious for me. I have a very small group of friends who know how I feel about most things, and everyone else gets the PC version.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#13

Post by kleer001 »

Tycho wrote: post #10

One thing I find a bit weird, and I suspect it started in America (but I'm not sure), is when colleagues pass each other and they say 'how are you?' and keep walking , making it entirely obvious that they're not really interested in how you are. Or maybe they expect some rapid fire response. Not sure. But I think it would be better to just say 'Hi' if you don't intend to stop and actually talk.

Good question. I have wrestled with the same thing.

I have found that the literal interpretation of "How are you?" can be countered with a rough summary of your internal emotional/mental machinery by way of an emphatic grunt or groan. "Meh.", "Woo!", "Ugh." are a few good places to start. Get creative, do some homework.

Remember this is a very basic, mammalian level trait. This is after lizard brain stuff, but before primate brain stuff. We don't need a lot of words for this particular relationship transaction. Have fun with it, but don't stress it. The person asking the question is certainly not stressing it.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#14

Post by seivan »

ps4fanboy wrote: post #5

This is just risk and reward at work. People subconsciously fear the consequences of offending someone in the work place, with very little upside most people prefer to just keep it about work and nothing else.

Haha this. :) Same here, from last job out of ~40, only kept in touch with 3. We meet once a week for coding, gaming, drinking and food.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#16

Post by steven777400 »

I work for the State, in a non-competitive and low turnover environment. A lot of people here make friends with their coworkers, but I do notice that the depth of those friendships seem more significant with the older employees; they speak of road trips together, staying at each others' houses, and hijinks that I don't hear nearly as much of (if at all) from younger coworkers. It could just be the amount of time they've worked together, though, that leads to that impression.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#17

Post by jedberg »

I know this is just anecdotal, but my experience is quite the opposite. Some of my closest friends are friends I made at work. I was in their weddings.

Sure we drift apart when we no longer work together, because we don't see each other every day, but we're drifting apart from being very close. I'm still just as "in touch" with them as I am with my other friends.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#18

Post by cb18 »

Tycho wrote: post #10

One thing I find a bit weird, and I suspect it started in America (but I'm not sure), is when colleagues pass each other and they say 'how are you?' and keep walking , making it entirely obvious that they're not really interested in how you are. Or maybe they expect some rapid fire response. Not sure. But I think it would be better to just say 'Hi' if you don't intend to stop and actually talk.

This is an American thing in general, not just a workplace thing. I know that people in other cultures find it quite strange sometimes, and frankly it is when the actual meaning of the words is considered and what their use implies. But it has somehow just become a kind of standard default greeting.

I think it's probably meant to imply a kind of warmness to the person it is directed to, kind of like, "nice to see you," or "I wish you well."

No one expects it to lead to extended conversation when it is used nonchalantly like this. And you're right, it is frequently encountered in situations where one or both parties are in motion. Often in a form like:

A: Hi

B: Hi, how are you?

or

A:Hi

B:Hi, how are you?

A:Good, thanks!

or

A:Hi

B:Hi, how are you?

A:smile, nod

or

A:Hi

B:Hi, how are you?

A:Good, and you?

B:Good, thanks.

I think this is fairly common in languages, that words are used in a way that from their literal meanings you wouldn't expect. Idioms of course, but I think in other ways as well.

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#19

Post by thenmar »

qmalzp wrote: post #12
ps4fanboy wrote: post #5

This is just risk and reward at work. People subconsciously fear the consequences of offending someone in the work place, with very little upside most people prefer to just keep it about work and nothing else.

It's not even subconscious for me. I have a very small group of friends who know how I feel about most things, and everyone else gets the PC version.

Would you mind elaborating? What kind of views are you talking about?

Re: Friends at Work? Not So Much

#20

Post by dceddia »

kleer001 wrote: post #13
Tycho wrote: post #10

One thing I find a bit weird, and I suspect it started in America (but I'm not sure), is when colleagues pass each other and they say 'how are you?' and keep walking , making it entirely obvious that they're not really interested in how you are. Or maybe they expect some rapid fire response. Not sure. But I think it would be better to just say 'Hi' if you don't intend to stop and actually talk.

Good question. I have wrestled with the same thing. I have found that the literal interpretation of "How are you?" can be countered with a rough summary of your internal emotional/mental machinery by way of an emphatic grunt or groan. "Meh.", "Woo!", "Ugh." are a few good places to start. Get creative, do some homework. Remember this is a very basic, mammalian level trait. This is after lizard brain stuff, but before…

It usually seems, to me at least, that the proper and expected response is a mix of "Good!" and/or just returning the "How are you?"

"Meh", "Ugh", and other actual emotions don't seem to fit my idea of what the other person wants to hear. Those invite conversation, or almost hint at asking for a conversation. I don't think that's what the other person usually wants.

I've taken to mechanically translating "how are you?" into an emotionless "hi".

I agree though, it's all very weird. Americans don't seem to just say "hi" very often.

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