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Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

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Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#71

Post by jhildings »

crististm wrote: post #24
watt wrote: post #9

This is in fact normal and nothing is wrong. If you are throwing a party and invite 100 guests, only 10 will show up. 9 out of 10 will flake out. This is normal and that's how people work. People don't initiate conversations. It's very rare to meet somebody who will initiate conversation, and keep it going. If you want to have good time, that's on you (to keep finding topics and jumping from theme to theme, have a li…

I can confirm the 1 in 10 rule. It really is like this. Then you loosen up and don't care any more. Then things happen.

And then there is like 15-20% "cancel two hours before" reduction on those :)

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#72

Post by jhildings »

bsdpython wrote: post #19

As you get into your late 20s and early 30s most people are looking to get married if they haven't already. At that point social life is going to mostly turn into family, wife, kids and work related friends. I'm 32 and recently married and I find it very hard to justify spending much of my time socializing outside of those above contexts. It's often nothing personal and from my own perspective I would actually like t…

>s you get into your late 20s and early 30s most people are looking to get married if they haven't already. At that point social life is going to mostly turn into family, wife, kids and work related friends. I'm 32 and recently married and I find it very hard to justify spending much of my time socializing outside of those above contexts.

But why can't those be combined? I find this either family or friends mindset a lot of people have quite strange

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#73

Post by throwaway1184 »

dspillett wrote: post #65
Red_Tarsius wrote: post #6

I'm younger than you, but I used to have similar issues. I think you have to realize that you're a worthy human being and don't need to seek approval in back-up friends . People "smell" neediness and low-self esteem: do something that makes you proud of yourself and stop listening to social pressures of any kind. You don't have to become a jerk, but seek balance. Insecure men also struggle with their manliness . This…

(dropping in mid thread here, hopefully I'll be clear where I'm talking directly to the OP and where I'm quoting other people in the conversation) I was in a similar-but-not-identical position to you some years ago (around your age actually, I'm 36 now and things are going fine) so can relate to the feeling. I think most people feel this way at points in their lives. > you're a worthy human being and don't need to se…

> There could be many reasons for this. People have limited time, especially those with GF's/wives and families. Adding new people to their social circle may just seem like something they don't have time for right now, and if that is the case it isn't a slight against you personally.

This is a critical point. My dear dead grandmother had a supremely wise rule of thumb: "If people are being weird or cruel, it's probably due to something that's up with them, and not something you did." People are so wrapped up in their own problems. They can't help it, none of us can, we're trapped inside ourselves and our own perspective, everything we do and feel seems so important to us that we naturally assume it's a primary cause for other people's actions and reactions, too. Humans sometimes take this really, really far... They think that if they are bad, they'll offend the god(s) and get struck by lightning. Nowadays many people mock belief like this---any notion that nature or the universe somehow care what you do---but even the staunchest atheist can still be caught assuming that everyone else's bad moods, cruelty, indifference, and poor behavior are primarily due to STUFF THEY DID. This rule of thumb can seem depressing---nobody cares about me!---or you can view it as freeing, consoling, calming. Which is how my grandmother (and now I) mean it. Someone being cranky? Someone doesn't want to hang out? Don't jump to the conclusion it's because you did something. Maybe they are just worried about bills. Maybe they just really have to poop. Rejoice that your own bowels are fine and look for someone less grouchy to hang out with.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#74

Post by calbear81 »

I tend to be the planner in my social circle and I've learned a few things in my many years of planning/organizing (I'm 33)

- If it's something casual, don't be too pushy. Like we learned in D.A.R.E, leave the door open. So if I ask someone if they'd like to come out to get drinks and they're not sure, I just say "No problem, text me if you want to come, we'll be there." For more formal events that require reservations, get a commitment well in advance.

- I find that if I'm doing something that the person I'm trying to invite hasn't done before they're more interested in coming. I do my best to make it easy on everyone so I lay out an exact itinerary, offer to do the group purchasing, and make sure everyone has a way to get to the event.

- I find that posting some post-event photos on Facebook help a lot as people see the fun they're missing out on.

- Don't be afraid to have fun by yourself. I enjoy rambling around new places by myself and the more I put myself in new situations, new places, the more often I find myself meeting new people.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#75

Post by bsdpython »

jhildings wrote: post #72
bsdpython wrote: post #19

As you get into your late 20s and early 30s most people are looking to get married if they haven't already. At that point social life is going to mostly turn into family, wife, kids and work related friends. I'm 32 and recently married and I find it very hard to justify spending much of my time socializing outside of those above contexts. It's often nothing personal and from my own perspective I would actually like t…

>s you get into your late 20s and early 30s most people are looking to get married if they haven't already. At that point social life is going to mostly turn into family, wife, kids and work related friends. I'm 32 and recently married and I find it very hard to justify spending much of my time socializing outside of those above contexts. But why can't those be combined? I find this either family or friends mindset a…

Because you only have so much time and you are better off spending time with people that are more likely to still be in your life in 10 years? I'm not sure I understand what you mean if that's not what you were getting at.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#76

Post by EpicEng »

boyaka wrote: post #31

There was a post on HN just today by an anonymous guy for his book 'Hacking Sex' [1]. I actually went ahead and checked it out, since it had a lot of positive comments from women on Amazon. I was intrigued that the author stated that luck with women has nothing to do with genetics, but my surprise/interest diminished when I skipped through the pages and found all sorts of sections on buying clothes and being in good…

"my surprise/interest diminished when I skipped through the pages and found all sorts of sections on buying clothes and being in good shape."

Well, it does matter, as much as some people like to think it doesn't or shouldn't. It's certainly not everything, not even by half, but people like attractive people. It gets you through the door so to speak. That, in turn, gives you more opportunities to meet people.

If you have a crap personality most women won't stay long anyway, but if you're overweight and dress like a kid in high school then don't be surprised that women aren't falling over themselves to talk to you (and no, that doesn't make them superficial; it's how the vast majority of us are wired, and how you present yourself says something about you).

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#77

Post by boyaka »

EpicEng wrote: post #76
boyaka wrote: post #31

There was a post on HN just today by an anonymous guy for his book 'Hacking Sex' [1]. I actually went ahead and checked it out, since it had a lot of positive comments from women on Amazon. I was intrigued that the author stated that luck with women has nothing to do with genetics, but my surprise/interest diminished when I skipped through the pages and found all sorts of sections on buying clothes and being in good…

"my surprise/interest diminished when I skipped through the pages and found all sorts of sections on buying clothes and being in good shape." Well, it does matter, as much as some people like to think it doesn't or shouldn't. It's certainly not everything, not even by half, but people like attractive people. It gets you through the door so to speak. That, in turn, gives you more opportunities to meet people. If you h…

Yeah, and as I say it didn't surprise me that any of that mattered. I've always known what I have to do (have more money for clothes/fashion, spend time at the gym). I think I have a pretty interesting personality, I do make friends with a lot of people once they get to know me. I just have trouble even saying a single word to females I find attractive. But I've got bigger problems in my life to solve.

Here's the quote from the author's website that intrigued me:

"A five-point guide on how to be more attractive (Hint: your genetics don’t matter)"

I thought he might go into more of a strategy about how to open up and talk with women (again, I haven't really read it yet), since it's not looks that matter. But it turned out, as you and I both understand, appearance really does matter, and therefore genetics DO matter, because they are a huge factor in your appearance and even in how healthy you can appear.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#78

Post by Jean-Philipe »

I am probably one of those people that keep cancelling appointments with friends. Nothing personal. I'm just busy (work, kids) or probably not organised well enough. Some of my friends understand, some are worse than me, but some take it personally. Interestingly, there's no relation between the time I spend with a friend and how mad they are with me.

Nobody should be hurt. It's my life, that's what it is, the day has only that many hours, things happen, and things will change one day. Right now, I don't even have time for myself.

Re: Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

#79

Post by joeyspn »

weavie wrote: post #56
sandmanxc wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is true, if you can get over the fact that results will come very slowly, and that, in the gyms I've visited at least, most of the people there are already ripped and can make you feel somewhat inadequate.

Results come a lot quicker for beginners. If you are feeling intimidated about going to the gym at first, it would be worth getting a personal trainer who can show you the ropes and get you started on a program. It gets rid of the fear of being that beginner who has no idea what they are doing.

True story... In 6 months hitting the gym 3/4 times a week any gym newbie see a huge change.
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