Ask HN: What is wrong with me?

There was a post on HN just today by an anonymous guy for his book 'Hacking Sex' [1]. I actually went ahead and checked it out, since it had a lot of positive comments from women on Amazon. I was intrigued that the author stated that luck with women has nothing to do with genetics, but my surprise/interest diminished when I skipped through the pages and found all sorts of sections on buying clothes and being in good shape. I was really turned off when he gave advice about actually making love, really starting to think this guy is full of himself. I'm a little bit disgusted by his attitude about needing to have sex with as many women as possible, but I also understand how it could be beneficial. I'm sure that his advice does indeed vibe with what women desire, and it would probably do me some good to be open to it (when I have the time/money to do so).

More on my opinion and less on this book (which as I said I have only skimmed for now so can't really judge), I believe in the LAMPS theory: girls tend to be interested in Looks, Athleticism, Money, Power, and Status. I think you can gain a lot of the last 3 just by working hard on improving your own life. That book says you can be yourself and that girls will like you even more for that, but maybe that's just signaling Power/Status, or maybe LAMPS is just not a good theory. Ultimately though, in today's society you really just need to look good/healthy, have a fulfilling well paid occupation, and give the ladies (or other people) exactly what THEY want; you can't be selfish. It's not about YOU becoming less lonely, it's about being interesting to other people.

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9005096

This is the wrong place to ask "what is wrong with me?" because we don't know you. Trying to answer without more information is going to be mostly speculation and projection.

That said, it's a good question to ask. I think most people who have trouble socially don't ask, and end up unhappy without realising why. I'm going to try to answer the related question: "how do I find out what is wrong with me?"

There are two people I think you should talk to:

Firstly, someone who would have been affected by your problem (if there really is one). You just need to ask them nicely and in a way that doesn't make it seem personal. If someone I knew said "Hey, I'm trying to improve myself. Could you tell me honestly if there is anything I'm doing that makes people uncomfortable?" I would do my best to help them.

Secondly, a therapist. They can listen to how you feel about social situations and help you figure out how to deal with it. Keep in mind that social anxiety is one of the most commonly reported mental health issues. There may be nothing wrong with you in social situations except the way you think about them. I can't say for sure because I'm not a therapist, but this kind of problem is exactly what they do.

Good luck and I hope you find your answers.

> Change the way you get to work.

There's something to this. Change your smaller habits (ie, where you eat, walk, who you'd normally talk to, etc). Also, get other people talking, ask questions. People like people who listen to them.

On the other hand, don't only ask questions/listen. As someone who lives abroad, I can't tell you how many times I have to repeat my story (how long I've been here, how I learned the language, etc) and strangely people have the habit of keeping me talking with many successive questions (I'm not entirely comfortable with this). I've come to see this as possibly a nerves thing, where they find it easier to ask questions/listen than to be the one talking. What I'm saying is, develop both sides and you'll be able to handle the situation, whatever it is.

Here is the secret to making friends:

People make friends with friendly people. Friendly people enjoy the act "giving" friendship.

They give you fresh baked cookies just to you to see you smile - not because they expect you to do something in return.

They ask about how you are feeling ("How is your back these days?") because they actually care - not because they want your help moving.

Making friends becomes a by-product of being generous with your friendship.