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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#431

Post by eel »

Where is your time being spent? I.e., when you aren't feeling motivated to do X, you must be doing Y instead, right?

Y might be working more than you are expected. Y could be sleeping more than needed for a healthy night's sleep. Y could be browsing Reddit, Instagram, or other sites. Y could be playing the same maps over and over in a game. It's probably a combination of several things that only you know the answer to.

Are you happy with Y? Answer both questions honestly and thoroughly, and I think you will be on the first step to solving your original question. If, by chance, you aren't happy with Y, then consider reading and adapting a methodology for change like those presented in the books Tiny Habits or Atomic Habits.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#432

Post by fimdomeio »

As someone who is ok, sometimes even great, with being extended periods of time alone, I would say just look for opportunities to be in places with other people. Just tell yourself, why not go do X and if you don't find a good reason just go. Even if it feels a bit like a burden just go. If then you find its not interesting or not comfortable you can always turn around an go home. Great interactions with other people are not planed. They just happen randomly when you least expect, but you certantly must leave your home. Also consistency is important if you find contexts you're comfortable with start hanging out regularly... Time is a very important ingredient for building any sort or relation with another human.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#433

Post by markk »

Not liking an experience is always due to a mix of internal and external factors - the key is to disambiguate these. It's possible you don't like being alone primarily because of the feelings associated with loss. It's also possible you don't like being alone even if there was no loss. But what is the contribution of each of these to your mood? What are other factors?

You might not have this information. Changing environment is a good way to gather information because it triggers new thoughts and insights. That can be a good way to frame trying things - as a way to learn about yourself, rather than some new thing you now have to stick to. It could be useful, it could not - but nothing lost. If you go to the dog park and nothing much happens, no big deal.

In your shoes, I might be tempted to go the nearest big city without any particular plan. Just the energy of the place will have an effect. Go to busy places, quiet places, restaurants, cafes, art galleries, shops. No pressure for anything to be a certain way, or to have some big resolution. Or perhaps go the other way and go into nature.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#434

Post by johanvts »

robeym wrote: post #413

It's not good for us to be completely alone. We are social beings, and community is part of who we are. We search for truth in relationships, politics, games, drugs, anything. We search to the end of ourselves but end up with the same emptiness and questions. The truth, wholeness, community, and love we need and seek is often in the place we're too afraid to look - the Christian church. Even if you're not religious,…

The Christian church has nothing to do with truth. Sure it might offer community, but it is a community based on dogma, on faith, not truth. Why was humanity banished from the garden? For eating from the tree of knowledge. Join a Promethean cult if you can find it OP.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#435

Post by stonogo »

bko wrote: post #407
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard. The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most d…

pretty sure I've 'been' biologically evolved to impregnate as many women as possible and then die at 35 like everyone else

so yeah, your take is controversial, but not why you think

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#436

Post by vablings »

noosphr wrote: post #368
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

gym every day is fine with good load management. You should not be thrashing yourself to the max on a daily routine.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#437

Post by kordlessagain »

dzink wrote: post #289

People remember your kindness. That’s it. I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains. Giving kindnes…

I'll counter this comment with "watch who you spend your time with". I picked up that nugget from a successful (and happy) guy in North Carolina who does development and has really turned around the small town he lives in with his strategy for revitalization.

He also said to make your bed every morning, which I have done for years. Highly recommend this as it is an act of self care.

Yes, kindness is great, but so is being direct and knowing what you want for yourself. There's literally zero point being kind to someone who is going to take your energy.

If you have community, being kind is a great strategy, but if you are alone then it can be hard (and somewhat risky) to try to go include yourself in a group, especially if you are hurting. The risk is predatory behaviors from others seeing your weakness.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#438

Post by KellyCriterion »

63stack wrote: post #393
noosphr wrote: post #368

Earlier quoted context omitted.

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

I was wondering the same thing. It already takes a very high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week, going every day requires superhuman levels to so consistently. This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.

During my the year before my BA started and in the first year of it, I went 4 - 5 days a week, including Sauna afterwards.

Thats easy if you have no responsibility

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#439

Post by yrotslluf »

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

Despite the comments bickering about how often to hit the gym or what types of activities overlap -- this comment is right: hit the gym.

Get a personal trainer or try signing up with a CrossFit gym or another gym that has coached classes. You need form instruction, and you need to take it slow.

For me, my mental health and physical health are tied directly to each other and this was the single best thing I did for myself in my late 30s.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#440

Post by otterley »

bko wrote: post #407
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard. The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most d…

> most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family.

You misunderstood the point. The GP isn’t saying you shouldn’t do that. They’re saying that if you find yourself in the position where you don’t have mutual love for one another, the relationship could be worse for the both of you than if you were both alone.

> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.

It’s subjective. As is love itself.

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