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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#381

Post by torben-friis »

noosphr wrote: post #368
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

that's strength training. you have cardio, mobility, skill and so on available.

Martial arts usually have physical and technique days alternated, same goes for bouldering, and I imagine many other forms of exercise.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#384

Post by ethbr1 »

silcoon wrote: post #374

Some advice from my experience. - Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week. - Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks. - Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cin…

100% ^

The loop seems to go like this: remote working + increasingly isolated-by-default urban cultures => social depression => not having the energy to go out => more social depression

Spending too much time on the internet exacerbates this. It seems like a cure, but is really just empty social calories. And too much news is even worse.

Being in a relationship or having kids provides built-in, daily social stimulation. I can almost guarantee that's what you're missing, even if it doesn't feel like that and/or that doesn't sound appealing.

Your skills around doing that with strangers might have also atrophied (some strangers suck, so why deal with that when you have great people at home?).

But... it is a skill that can be rebuilt!

I'd recommend making a plan for social engagement, that feels right, and sticking to it. And there are tiny steps: taking a book to a local library and reading around other people (instead of alone), starting one conversation with a stranger (no matter how short or simple), walking through a park (with dog!), etc. Anywhere there are other people.

As someone who went through something similar to OP recently, the things that saved me: (1) getting a dog, (2) giving up a remote-only job for a hybrid one, and (3) diving back into dating.*

* Bumble. Yes, it sucked. Imho, best way to approach it: only match with people you'd be interested enough to go on a date with, chat just enough to figure out if you vibe (and learn red flags to watch for), then plan an in-person date, and be honest with them about feelings after the first date.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#385

Post by kazishariar »

I can sense that your heart is searching for guidance, a deeper connection and clarity in life. That yearning itself is a sign—one that points to God. The Qur’an offers a roadmap for this journey: reciting it with attention brings light to the heart, dhikr keeps your mind and soul anchored in remembrance, and meditation helps you witness your own thoughts and intentions with clarity.

It’s also important to pause regularly to account for yourself—to reflect on your actions, intentions, and how they align with your higher purpose. And finally, service to others transforms this inner seeking into outward compassion, making your spiritual path alive and practical.

When these practices—recitation, remembrance, mindful reflection, and service—flow together, they help turn yearning into guidance, and seeking into a lived experience of God’s presence.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#386

Post by moffkalast »

> but it feels empty

> Everything feels hollow

> antidepressants

I presume you already know this, but it may be worth reminding that the typical effect of antidepressants is to make people feel blank. It erases the negative, but also the positive.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#387

Post by mapcars »

shlant wrote: post #349
mapcars wrote: post #341

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not. We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound li…

you think humans don't like being alone because they are conditioned to feel that way? And you can just be ok with being alone when you realize this?

I'm not talking about "liking" it, if you like being around people - there are many ways to do it, unless you live in a mountain cave or something. In any city there are dozens of volunteering groups that would be very happy if you came over and helped them and you will be around people as well.

But in our internal state of being, in our thoughts, in our emotions and the very experience of life we are always alone. Yes we can try to express them to others some extent, but it can never be complete. In that sense we are fundamentally alone, and realising that makes the problem disappear.

Because if I'm always alone internally and nature made it so, why worry about that? The need for desperate attempts to fix it disappears and you are just fine both ways, when there are people around or when there is no one around.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#388

Post by nottorp »

silcoon wrote: post #374

Some advice from my experience. - Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week. - Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks. - Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cin…

> re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others

Too late for the OP, but you shouldn't give up on your friends just because you got married.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#389

Post by wccrawford »

As someone who lived alone for years, my recommendation is to make friends. Not people on a forum. People you enjoy messaging directly. Or calling. Or texting. Or even seeing face to face.

It's not going to happen immediately. But if you aren't looking for the opportunities, they will pass you by.

I've met them playing games, doing community events, joining clubs, etc. Meetup.com is a great place to find groups you might like.

Other than that, you'll eventually toughen up and get used to it. You'll find the advantages and learn to enjoy them.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#390

Post by michaelsbradley »

Opportunity to cultivate one’s interior life:

https://www.ecatholic2000.com/lagrange/interior1/interior.sh...

https://www.ecatholic2000.com/lagrange/interior2/interior2.s...

There may be a 24/7, or frequently open, adoration chapel nearby to you. Maybe you could make a daily trip to spend a little time (a “holy hour”) with Christ present with us on earth in the Blessed Sacrament?

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