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Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

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Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That sounds very familiar to me... I know of a guy like that, who will rapidly jump on and propose and implement half-baked "tactical" solutions to any production incident. As you say, he is valued by management, because he is very responsive, at all hours, and always has some kind of snake oil "fix" to offer for any problem, and generally maintains a bit of a "mad scientist" vibe. The issue is that, most of his "fix…

Great insight and advice I need to take - your description captures my current situation almost to a tee, better than I’ve been able to understand it for myself, so thank you. In addition to what you described, in my case this engineer quickly recognizes other highly-effective and/or important people, and aggressively tries to build that reputation by privately messaging and even privately demoing work where the reci…

I can see that talking directly to Flores, Wilson and Smith, and proposing other peoples ideas could be grating for others. However, another way of looking at it is, that's just called "taking initiative". There's nothing to stop _anyone_ from talking directly to Flores, Wilson and Smith, go meet with them, take them out to lunch, make friends with them, etc.

If people think that Y approach is good, and talk amongst themselves about it, but don't actually write it up, pitch it to the powers that be, "sell" it, etc., then people are going to do that for them.

If Flores, Wilson and Smith are overwhelmed with one on one chats and meetings, then they'll probably push back and organize some group meetings and communications that everyone is in on. Conversely, if _nobody_ is doing that, then that leaves things wide open for _someone_ to do that, and that person is actually adding some value in doing so.

The person I work with also has a habit of cornering people when they are leaving. If you him "goodnight, see you tomorrow" at 5:30p, and pick up a bag, he will somehow interpret that as an opportunity to broach a whole new topic, and tie you up for half an hour. He does it with senior people too, it can be interesting to watch... hard to say whether it is not picking up on the social cues, or just not caring...

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Now how do I deal with an engineer who seems to be brilliant - though this is sometimes hard to gauge since code quality can be subjective - who always leaps in to answer things quicker and is loved by upper management because he, I guess, constantly codes even outside of work hours, but who is extremely grating to get along with. Lord I need a different job.

That sounds very familiar to me... I know of a guy like that, who will rapidly jump on and propose and implement half-baked "tactical" solutions to any production incident. As you say, he is valued by management, because he is very responsive, at all hours, and always has some kind of snake oil "fix" to offer for any problem, and generally maintains a bit of a "mad scientist" vibe. The issue is that, most of his "fix…

Well I wouldn't characterize they guys work as half baked. I am rather shocked by how vast and deep his knowledge base appears to be. I guess the struggle for me personally I no longer feel like I bring anything valuable to the table and since this guy is very aggressive about being the first to answer anything I find myself giving up. I have kids and other duties and I just ... I guess I am getting old.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#135
First, that sounds hard. I'm happy that you're asking for help and I hope you find the help you need.

Next, you'll probably get a bunch of advice about leaving immediately, how you don't have to put up with this nonsense, and so on. I consider this advice well-meaning, but it might not take into account the complicated web of constraints that you face, so I recommend interpreting "You should get out there now!" as something more like a supportive "You don't deserve to live like this!" True, but not necessarily enough on its own to formulate a plan to address your quandary.

In response to your final paragraph especially, it sounds like you need to have a real, frank conversation with someone who can help you navigate this situation. One in which you can get into the complex details of the situation and balance all your competing needs and desires. I say this because, sadly, you will not be able to solve this problem by running away from it, because it will find you again and you'll be even more tired and even less interested in dealing with it. You probably need more than "Get out and take your people with you".

If you'd like to try to have this conversation, then I think I can help. You can start with my handle here, search the web, find out more about me (to judge for yourself whether I might be able to help you or I'm full of shit), and then contact me. If you think we might click, then ask me for help. Ignore anything that you see along the way that looks like a price.

Meantime, any advice I can offer will sound like a platitude, so I won't bother. The reality of the situation is much more complex than that. Instead, think about what you'd like to have happen and maybe we can figure out how to make it happen.

Peace.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Now how do I deal with an engineer who seems to be brilliant - though this is sometimes hard to gauge since code quality can be subjective - who always leaps in to answer things quicker and is loved by upper management because he, I guess, constantly codes even outside of work hours, but who is extremely grating to get along with. Lord I need a different job.

That sounds very familiar to me... I know of a guy like that, who will rapidly jump on and propose and implement half-baked "tactical" solutions to any production incident. As you say, he is valued by management, because he is very responsive, at all hours, and always has some kind of snake oil "fix" to offer for any problem, and generally maintains a bit of a "mad scientist" vibe. The issue is that, most of his "fix…

> implement half-baked "tactical"

That’s easy, though. What if he’s actually “brilliant” and very productive but hard to get along with

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#137
One idea is to give him a special feature to build that you make up, that's neither critical to operations nor interfering much with everything else that you guys are doing.

Make it something big. Something where he might get a team of his own, eventually maybe. He'll feel important and will go and work on that thing for months that noone actually gives a shit about, and let everyone else in peace.

Like for instance, if your main product is a website, convince your manager that you need to develop the same website but as a native app, and that this guy should be doing it. Hopefully that never makes it to production.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#138
post #137

One idea is to give him a special feature to build that you make up, that's neither critical to operations nor interfering much with everything else that you guys are doing. Make it something big. Something where he might get a team of his own, eventually maybe. He'll feel important and will go and work on that thing for months that noone actually gives a shit about, and let everyone else in peace. Like for instance,…

Alternatively, you can give him critical hyper risky tasks, that he will necessarily fail at with catastrophic consequences, and get him fired for that.

I realize that these sound like scheming, but this kind of shit actually works.

The other alternative is to go to your manager's manager. A risky move, but I have done it and survived to tell the tale.

Re: Ask HN: Not treated respectfully by colleague – advice?

#139
post #53

A slight left-field suggestion, but have you tried asking this 'competent jerk' if he wants to go for a coffee (or pint, depending on your culture)? He might just not be aware he's being a jerk, have you tried having a casual, non-confrontational chat with him and raising your concerns? ie "I respect you as an engineer but you can be difficult to work with sometimes" Maybe he just isn't aware? Sometimes you just need…

We are remote. He’s been told at least a few times. I can do this over 1:1 over remote, but it definitely doesn’t feel the same. We have a team onsite in a few weeks. I could do it then. I still think it’s more likely than not that things will go sour, especially since the rest of the team will actually be there, and I’ll be letting him know a lot of the team has had issues with him. The rest of the team is extremely…

Keep calm. You have time and the team on your side, if not management. Don’t let hin drag you down, he will only continue to sabotage himself. All you need to do is mitigate risk and update management on his misdoings.
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