Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How to build empathy?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

111–120 of 174 posts

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#111

Post by Pamar »

andrei_says_ wrote: post #67

Use the nonviolent communication model: - recognize that anything we do is a strategy to meet one or more universal basic human needs which we do not control (e.g. safety, to matter, contribution, respect, play, sexual expression etc.) - recognize that how we do things depends on our experience and conditioning. Many of the strategies we have are suboptimal, or harmful, or meet some needs at the expense of others - a…

Are you familiar with the works of Paul Watzlawick? Especially https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/89200.Pragmatics_of_Huma... ?

I am asking because your first statement does not seem to adequately explain all the factors which are in play when we communicate.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#112

Post by Riseed »

> I run cycles of listening, paraphrasing and then solutionizing almost every day. This doesn't translate well in friendships & relationships where the other person just wants someone to listen.

One thing that greatly helped me was realizing that listening itself oftentimes is the solution, rather than thinking of problem-solving and listening as completely separate. (Paraphrasing can help the other person feel heard. If you're already paraphrasing, then maybe add a pause here to gauge how the other person has reacted to just being heard.)

Another was learning to ask whether the other person wanted advice, perspective, and/or feedback instead of automatically offering it.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#113

Post by scott_s »

psychiatrist24 wrote: post #76
herodotus wrote: post #2

Here is one tip: when someone tells you something, even it is a problem they are having, they don't want you propose a solution. What they want is to heard. If they really want you to suggest a solution to their problem, they will ask you directly: "Can you suggest what I should do about this?" Example: "My manager really demands too much of me!" Good: "I am sorry to hear that." Bad: "Why don't you arrange a 1 on 1 a…

Is that even true? I seriously can't relate. What is the point of "being heard"? And I don't think people would usually ask directly "can you suggest what I should do about this", they would consider it too demanding and perhaps they don't even know who could help them.

For many people, being head validates their experiences. It’s reassuring to be accepted by another person.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#114

Post by [deleted] »

thestepafter wrote: post #12
jack_pp wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Would ” That sucks, have you tried doing something about it?” be good? As in, use the socratic method to help them come up with a solution.

I am learning empathy myself and I think this would imply that they are being lazy and could come across as condescending. “That’s too bad, if I had that problem I would do something about it.”

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#115

Post by loceng »

oji0hub wrote: post #72

mdma Edit: Seriously though... Try to be helpful by chosing to see problems as something you and other people are solving together and focus on the solution. For example, rather than saying or thinking "this is wrong" or "you are wrong", think "we could improve this by...". This has to be genuine. People sometimes lecture to make themselves feel smart. I mean _actually_ be helpful.

MDMA in the right setting and right guidance will lead to baseline stress reducing, accessing and processing/healing past unhealed/unprocessed trauma - allowing one's ego mind guard to reduce and therefore body sensory to have a greater concentration of sensory reaching the brain/mind - allowing heart energy and logic influenced by greater sensory to add to logical pathways leading to greater empathy capability.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#116

Post by axaxs »

yarcob wrote: post #110

What helped me was to start with the assumption that the other person is just as intelligent as myself. The worst is when you start making suggestions after listening to two sentences. If you assume that the other person is as intelligent as you are, then something you came up with after two minutes of listening is not useful -- they have probably considered this already. It's different from your job, because at work…

I like this advice, but the question for me becomes how do you assume every person is as intelligent?

No, I don't think I'm exceptional or smarter than everyone...but 15 seconds of scrolling through social media, watching daytime news, or even driving around makes it hard to assume there aren't a ton of idiots out there. So my default has kinda degraded to 'everyone is an idiot until proven otherwise', which is something I'd like not to feel.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#117

Post by _y5hn »

_zamorano_ wrote: post #101

And how about too empathic people? They're never talked about, and seem like they don't exist... but they do, and usually lead miserable lifes due to their insistence in an excessive identification with others people problems. They look bland, and most don't take them seriously, and sometimes are the laughing stock... and to be honest, I don't think society is to blame, as they don't fall near the middle of the norma…

Caring too much is a thing. Can be detrimental to self, systematically abused or even be an ego issue. Not sure the problematic aspect is empathy, rather sensitivity.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#119

Post by _y5hn »

pje wrote: post #88
_y5hn wrote: post #34

Avoid immature unempathic communications and behaviours: "Lots of trash answers. All of them in fact!" Instead: 1) The Golden Rule: Treat others as you'd yourself want to be treated. This is an ever-evolving loop of growth and learning throughout your life. You are never finished! 2) In job, service, family, nearly everywhere, people respond better to you when your behaviour and communications reflect the same shared…

You may not know what's best for other people! Instead of the Golden Rule, think of it this way: "Ask others how they want to be treated, and then treat them that way."

It doesn't help when people have no broader vision, plan or clue.

I engage people for shared understanding and work instead, but is counter to expectations.

Re: Ask HN: How to build empathy?

#120

Post by altgans »

yarcob wrote: post #110

What helped me was to start with the assumption that the other person is just as intelligent as myself. The worst is when you start making suggestions after listening to two sentences. If you assume that the other person is as intelligent as you are, then something you came up with after two minutes of listening is not useful -- they have probably considered this already. It's different from your job, because at work…

> The worst is when you start making suggestions after listening to two sentences. If you assume that the other person is as intelligent as you are, then something you came up with after two minutes of listening is not useful -- they have probably considered this already.

I disagree. This has nothing to do with intelligence. It is all about connecting different domains of knowledge. You know and have experienced things they haven't.

Now you listen to their description of the problem, and transfer it to your domain of knowledge:

"Hey, this sounds exactly like an issue my friend Josh had a few weeks ago."

This is also why stories of the "king asking the farmer" or "CEO asking the cleaning lady" are so common --- it is all about the point of view.

---

Where I agree with you is "listen first, speak later". Don't interrupt until they have finished telling their story.

Post reply on HN