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On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

residentcontrarian.substack.com

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Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#961

Post by Viliam1234 »

closeparen wrote: post #959
colanderman wrote: post #154

I feel a common issue with such "dead bedroom" discussions is the seeming lack of capacity of some parties (including some prominent toplevel comments here) to understand how deep a need for sex many people have. To think sex can be replaced with "strong friendships" is laughable to anyone who actually feels a strong desire for sex. The dead bedroom situations I've seen with my friends (M->F equally as well as F->M)…

We bridge those other differences by sucking it up and doing things that aren’t our favorites. Someone who has sex she doesn’t want in order to keep the peace in a relationship has been violated and victimized, in a way that someone who does more household chores than he would prefer to or refrains from buying her favorite clothes on the joint credit card, hasn’t. Sex is unique this way. Maybe that wasn’t the consens…

There seems to be a different norm when genders are reversed, though.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/...

> Weston says her abuser used to withhold sexual contact during times when she asked to be intimate. He also used withholding affection as a punishment. “If I looked at him wrong, he refused to kiss me,” she says.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#962

Post by 2lwxxtj »

astura wrote: post #848
serverholic wrote: post #644

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A weak woman will still be able to find a man to take care of her. A weak man not so much.

You'd be surprised, just today we had to have a conversation with a family member about how consistently taking in loser degenerate men is ruining her life.

The men that are ruining her life are not the sort of "weak men" being discussed here. The ones ruining her life, I can just about guarantee, exude the impression that they don't play by other people's rules. To women, that is strength.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#963

Post by Viliam1234 »

krrrh wrote: post #724
nradov wrote: post #682

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exposure to phthalates reduces testosterone in both men and women, and thus lowers sex drive. Phthalates are widely used chemicals, primarily for softening plastic. https://news.umich.edu/reduced-testosterone-tied-to-chemical... That's not the only cause. Increased obesity levels also play a role. Probably other factors.

Widely and freely available HD porn too. It’s easier than ever for people to use it as a substitute, and it reduces the drive to seduce. It contributes to a downward spiral of satisficing. Edit: Getting downvotes from folks in denial. I’m not making this stuff up, college students rarely used to have ED, now porn-induced ED is quite common. Many such cases! [0] [0] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517…

> it reduces the drive to seduce

Are you suggesting that the solution to dead bedrooms is increasing "drive to seduce" of the ones who complain?

I thought that many of them already have high drive that their partners don't reciprocate.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#964

Post by Viliam1234 »

betwixthewires wrote: post #643
throwaway0a5e wrote: post #244

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Everyone wants everyone else to adopt an idealistic world view while they use shrewd pragmatism to navigate life.

It's a shame this account is a throwaway.

it's a shrewd pragmatic way to navigate online debates

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#965

Post by 2lwxxtj »

everdrive wrote: post #755
rrradical wrote: post #596

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't mean to be glib, but, are you saying women who are in a poor state are desirable? I don't think so... Is it bad that women don't find some men attractive, when those same men probably wouldn't find some women attractive? I apologize if that misconstrues your opinion, but I've heard it elsewhere before: that somehow women 'should' be more forgiving of unattractiveness than men are, and that's really weird to m…

>Is it bad that women don't find some men attractive, Not at all, especially because it's most likely that they can't help it. It'd be like asking me to find ugly girls sexually attractive. Even if I felt it would be the best the to do morally, I couldn't will myself to it: it's out of my control for the most part. And so it is with women: we really shouldn't hate someone for their innate preferences. (and especially…

Their preferences may be innate, but their standards are not. Their standards change depending on their life experience. If men they find very attractive give them attention (but not commitment), they are going to have a harder time settling down with men they find less attractive but which are willing to commit to them.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#966

Post by Viliam1234 »

CRConrad wrote: post #941
glangdale wrote: post #760

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The whole business about "top players getting more resources" is driving me a bit wild; as if there's an epidemic of "Chads each getting multiple Staceys" (in incel-speak). What seems to be more likely - based on the age charts in TFA - is that at the margins (excluding the large portion of people married or partnered relatively quickly and stably) there tends to be an age gap among those playing the fields. Early 20…

And then when you look at the other end of the age distribution in those diagrams, you have a lot of women over 65 going without, AFAICS mainly because the older men they've partnered with are dead already. Technically / logically / mathematically, the solution seems blindingly obvious: Women as a group could help not only (younger) men as a group, but themselves (later in life) too, simply by selecting their partner…

Technically, 20 year old men could also date women over 65.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#967

Post by Viliam1234 »

matheusmoreira wrote: post #866
troway357924 wrote: post #797

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The movie Her is prophetic. The way to improve supply is with sex robots.

This will not provide for the psychological need to be valued and wanted by another human being.

Solving half of the problem is still better than solving nothing.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#968

Post by CRConrad »

Manuel_D wrote: post #438
intergalplan wrote: post #403

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> And progressive taxation. Point of order: I'm taxed the same on my one-millionth dollar of income (assuming the same source) as Jeff Bezos is. ... I just don't have a one-millionth dollar of income to tax, but if someone wants to shift things toward equality rather than equity I'll happily accept donations toward that end. To make things more equal for Bezos and to strike a blow against equity, naturally.

> To make things more equal for Bezos and to strike a blow against equity, naturally. This is exactly my point: a flat tax rate would be more equal, but less equitable. And I do support a tax code that is more equitable, rather than more equal in this regard.

Yeah, taxing every dollar the same would be more equal... For dollars, but not for people.

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#969

Post by [deleted] »

gautamcgoel wrote: post #827
everdrive wrote: post #755

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Is it bad that women don't find some men attractive, Not at all, especially because it's most likely that they can't help it. It'd be like asking me to find ugly girls sexually attractive. Even if I felt it would be the best the to do morally, I couldn't will myself to it: it's out of my control for the most part. And so it is with women: we really shouldn't hate someone for their innate preferences. (and especially…

Can you please expand on what you learned? I'm sure those of us in their twenties would love to hear more.

[deleted]

Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness

#970

Post by [deleted] »

gautamcgoel wrote: post #827
everdrive wrote: post #755

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Is it bad that women don't find some men attractive, Not at all, especially because it's most likely that they can't help it. It'd be like asking me to find ugly girls sexually attractive. Even if I felt it would be the best the to do morally, I couldn't will myself to it: it's out of my control for the most part. And so it is with women: we really shouldn't hate someone for their innate preferences. (and especially…

Can you please expand on what you learned? I'm sure those of us in their twenties would love to hear more.

[deleted]
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