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On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
901–910 of 1001 posts
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#902Earlier quoted context omitted.
Man this thread sure must be depressing if you're single. Single? That's your problem, that your single. Go get a relationship and be happy! Way to dogpile on people when they're down. I say enjoy being single. If a relationship happens, good for you, but don't listen to people that say you're damaged / worse off / going down the drain because you're single. They're just jealous you can travel and play video games wh…
> I say enjoy being single. If a relationship happens, good for you, but don't listen to people that say you're damaged / worse off / going down the drain because you're single. They're just jealous you can travel and play video games whenever you want. =) This is infantilizing people's desires. Enjoying being single is something that many people just cannot do. To me, it's like telling someone who is paralyzed from…
How many people are truly incapable of happiness while single and how many need a romantic relationship because they see it as the only reliable way to have a friendship that outlasts eight apartment moves and five job changes? When people no longer have reasonable access to social lives outside work and marriage, it’s no wonder so many are unhappily single.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#903I feel a common issue with such "dead bedroom" discussions is the seeming lack of capacity of some parties (including some prominent toplevel comments here) to understand how deep a need for sex many people have. To think sex can be replaced with "strong friendships" is laughable to anyone who actually feels a strong desire for sex. The dead bedroom situations I've seen with my friends (M->F equally as well as F->M)…
> No-one is entitled to sex.
If you put it this way, nobody is entitled to food and shelter either. But we all need these things. Yes, some people can do away with sex, and if it's by their own choice, probably most of them do fine (many don't). But when it happens in marriage, then it's over, also legally - most jurisdictions recognize this.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#904There are certain drugs that bring sexual desires to zero, and the experience could be really liberating, as I may personally attest. Life could be easier for those surplus men if they went this route.
What's the drug that does this without significant side-effects? (it's not meant to be a snarky comment, I'm genuinely curious)
There are many, look up antiandrogens. There are no drugs without side effects, but I don't suffer anything drastic.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#905Earlier quoted context omitted.
I wouldn’t be talking about this if I hadn’t experienced it and seen it myself. If you want to roll the dice then fine. But some of us are sick of being hurt and seeing others getting hurt.
I think this speaks more about the type of woman you're attracted to more so than women in general. Literally the only person I speak to about emotions, and make myself generally vulnerable around, is my partner. In fact, I think this is common enough that it contributes in part to the high suicide rates for divorced men as opposed to divorced women [0] - women have friends that they can lean on emotionally during th…
Ah so now it’s my fault for being attracted to the wrong women huh?
Nothing can ever be a woman’s fault.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#906Earlier quoted context omitted.
I wouldn’t be talking about this if I hadn’t experienced it and seen it myself. If you want to roll the dice then fine. But some of us are sick of being hurt and seeing others getting hurt.
I’m sorry about what happened to you, but generalizing is unfair, when provably it is not true of many (or even most) women.
The fact that men, in general, are so scared to show their emotions suggests that this is extremely common.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#907Earlier quoted context omitted.
We spent around $700 on our wedding. Front yard ceremony, $150-200 for the justice of the peace, trays of food from the local BBQ place, more wine, beer, and drinks than our 25 or so closest friends could consume. Getting married isn't inherently expensive. People make it so because an entire industry is optimized around convincing you to spend more on a dress than we spent on an entire wedding.
You didn't have a friend do the internet church thing to become an officiant? Is that no longer possible?
It is a thing still here. The friend who we’d have asked to do that (and has done it before) was unable to attend our ceremony, so we just went down the city’s list and picked someone.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#908Earlier quoted context omitted.
I just don't think people value sexual compatibility enough. If you aren't compatible sexually then you are not compatible. I have been married twice. My first wife was practically my "soul mate", we had the same taste in everything. We were best buds, everything was perfect besides our sex life sucked. It always led to conflict and problems. My wife now we have almost nothing in common when it comes to taste, art, m…
I think some imortant parameters are: age when you started and ended first marriage, age when you started second marriage, current age. I suspect sexual compatibility lowers in importance as people age.
...or maybe some people just get used to disappointment and masturbation?
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#909> I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy. I imagine some of these men are similar to me in the loneliness and not as lucky in finding someone, and it’s impossible for me to not feel something. This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy…
EDIT to add: the best explanation that I've heard for the feeling men have of basic unhappiness without romance and sex is toxic masculinity; the general societal rejection of deep emotional relationships between straight men. Lonely? Make strong friendships! Spend your time with other men who like you and enjoy your company and validate you. A partner is not a replacement for the natural circle of close friends huma…
If it were only about the desire to bone, then “just visit your local prostitute” would be the accepted obvious solution. The need for stable companionship is not as easily solved. Luckily, it is not tied to sexual attraction, like the drive to bone.
Close platonic friendships that outlast romances are more healthy than requiring each new girlfriend to be your primary means of emotional support. The lack of social interactions outside of work and wife is also a cause of codependent burnout: it’s unreasonable to expect that the same person is good in bed, a loving mother to your children, primary full-time emotional support, and a chef.
Re: On incels, dead bedrooms and the hard problems of loneliness
#910Earlier quoted context omitted.
Edited for clarity. >Are they actually lower performing or is this an effect of bias? This is why these programs in early grades are eliminated - they absolutely were based on bias and external factors. Yes, children with less resources do worse. That was the problem. Students with less access would be tracked low, thereby ensuring they had access to even fewer resources (which were diverted to high performers and TA…
> [...] they don't group solely by ability. When they did [that], the have's had even more and the have-nots had even less. I have two thoughts on this: 1. Since our global economy is increasingly winner-take-all, we should consider focusing on the high performers. The lower performers will lose, anyway, so it's most important not to sandbag high performers. 2. It sounds like the idea is really to extort high perform…
>1.
The issue is that low performers are often only such because of external factors (low income, food insecure, other factors like that), and not due to actual ability. If we focus exclusively on high performers in the low grade, we will only create a WIDE and absolutely inhumane division among the have's and the have not's (more so than what exists).
>2.It sounds like the idea is really to extort high performers into doing unpaid labor to educate their lower-performing peers,
No. You're 100% wrong in your assessment. One of the best ways to learn to do something really well is to teach someone else how to do it. This applies to everything. Letting high performers take a leadership role teaches them not just the core competencies, but also those 'soft skills' that are so often left out of advanced curriculum, but are vitally important to success.
Also, just to nitpick, adding [that] via edit to my quote is unnecessary to the sentence. That word isn't at all needed for context, clarity, or proper sentence formation. Not sure why you did that.