I love you, dad • Hacker News Board

Re: I love you, dad

#91

Post by WA » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:33 PM UTC

mistermann wrote: post #85

speeder wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents. What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves. I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say: "Oh, sure!" And then I ask: "So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for…

My wife won't watch the kid or work (productively). She does online tutoring "work" for effectively ~$3/hour about 5 hours a day while daycare costs ~$7/hour. I can think of very few choices more important in life than who you marry and bear offspring with. Sadly in my case, none of her habits became visible until well after we had married and had a child.

That sounds horrible. But why does she do that? Is it just some trait/habit or does she somehow resent the kid?

Re: I love you, dad

#92

Post by shawn-butler » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:35 PM UTC

gprasanth wrote: post #49

kristofferR wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because randomness isn't conscious. As humans we tend to place a lot of purely human ideals/ideas on the non-human world, but they're all actually things we've just made up. Goodness/badness/fairness/unfairness aren't "real things" existing in nature; they’re just something humanity has created in our minds and societies. No things has an inherent goodness or badness, we as humans just think/decide it is. Don't get m…

Perfectly understood what you said. Good and Bad are associated to things by individuals. I think I probably wanted to know what one should do when Bad things happen. And, I guess I know the answer to that already: just keep moving forward.

I think endeavoring to no longer be surprised when Bad things happen is a good response. I mean not just ignoring it in order to move past, but accepting the world for what it is and anticipating suffering.

Probably a stoic at heart I guess, but I'm not sure I see any other way.

Re: I love you, dad

#93

Post by lifeisstillgood » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:48 PM UTC

Thank you

We have to stop pretending our professional lives are divorced from our personal - they grow out of one another, and in programming like other forms of writing the end result depends hugely on who we are as people - Hemmingway would never have written about a boy wizard.

Notch's work flows from who he is, and that flows a lot from who his father was.

Keep on flowing

Re: I love you, dad

#94

Post by dodo53 » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:52 PM UTC

speeder wrote: post #72

king_jester wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children. > And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling. I'm not really sure wha…

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents. What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves. I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say: "Oh, sure!" And then I ask: "So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for…

and would you stay home and look after the kids if your wife earned more than you?

Re: I love you, dad

#95

Post by king_jester » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:52 PM UTC

mistermann wrote: post #85

speeder wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know lots of self-centered people that are parents. What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves. I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say: "Oh, sure!" And then I ask: "So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for…

My wife won't watch the kid or work (productively). She does online tutoring "work" for effectively ~$3/hour about 5 hours a day while daycare costs ~$7/hour. I can think of very few choices more important in life than who you marry and bear offspring with. Sadly in my case, none of her habits became visible until well after we had married and had a child.

If you haven't already, seek couples counseling/therapy asap, as resent about parenting or living situations are big issues that hard to tackle without some outside perspective.

Re: I love you, dad

#96

Post by jtsnow » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 8:53 PM UTC

gknoy wrote: post #66

ColinWright wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, > it just takes time. Wrong, and to say so like that demonstrates both ignorance and a significant lack of sensitivity.

I think he's correct. Being pregnant and giving birth is tremendously challenging (and rewarding, to many), but is a drop in the bucket compared to the entire rest of your life being about Not You. Not only do you face the constant lack of sleep, but you now have to worry about financial planning, raising the kid to be a good human, etc. Having a kid is easy. Raising a kid (well) is hard.

My wife develops kidney stones when she is pregnant. During the second pregnancy, she had to pass them without pain medicine. There are many other conditions that women can develop when pregnant, but that go away after giving birth.

Pregnancies are anything but easy, even though they last a relatively short amount of time. Raising children is hard, but at least some portion of parenting skills come naturally. I don't think the same can be said for enduring months of intense pain/illness.

Re: I love you, dad

#97

Post by ForrestN » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 9:02 PM UTC

thispassisweak wrote: post #63

This hit pretty close to home. My father just moved in with me after calling me last week and telling me he was going to kill himself. I managed to calm him down and convince him to move in with me for a while, so hopefully this is the beginning of the road to recovery. Reading the comments helps to know there are others helping to carry the burdens of their own families. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.

Make sure he is getting professional treatment. It is a bad idea to try to take on the burden of a loved one's serious mental illness on your own.

Re: I love you, dad

#98

Post by kristofferR » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 9:04 PM UTC

shawn-butler wrote: post #87

kristofferR wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but I'm as strong as a non-believer in the supernatural/religious you can possibly be. I'm certainly not arguing that a supernatual force is determining what is good or bad, I'm arguing for the exact opposite - that there is no such predetermined thing in nature and that it is a purely human construct/idea. What I'm saying is simply that nothing is inherently good or bad, it's huma…

Yes, I belive I understood you. I think apparently I haven't been clear. You are part of the natural order, the same as that tree growing outside my window. Part of what being human is, is to have a sense of what is just. As a result, that sense we all share of what is just is also part of the natural order not a fictional arbitrary construct. Determining that a mother that eats her infant out of spite is an evil act…

Okay, I understand what you're saying now, but I strongly disagree.

To me it sounds a lot like just another human concept used to explain (what I consider) the human concept of morality. I think it is a philosophic/cultural/religious way of thinking about it, but certainly not a scientific one.

If morality was the constant of nature you believe it is I don't see any reason why our morality would have changed in the massive ways it has throughout human history and still varies so much around the world.

There are still hundreds of millions of humans around the world who hates homosexuals with every bit of their "soul"/mind, who don't have even a tiny bit of empathy for gays who are killed or tortured. The vast majority of humanity is still eating animal meat, most without much worry about the well being of the animals. Torture is still commonly used and justified around the globe, even by very intelligent Americans [1].

Considering how much what we consider moral/immoral varies/has varied through history around the world I don't see any reason to believe it is a constant of nature. It seems muuuuch more likely to me that it is determined by our cultures and societies than by nature, otherwise you would expect to see much greater similarities.

[1] Here's a story from a just a few days ago: http://www.mediaite.com/tv/joe-scarborough-claims-zero-dark-...

Re: I love you, dad

#99

Post by namank » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 9:05 PM UTC

gxs wrote: post #37

jbail wrote: post #6

That gave me chills. I'm constantly impressed by people that have the ability to share their personal life with the world in an honest way that reveals the vulnerabilities we all share as humans. It is so much more refreshing than the opposite, where we pretend our lives are perfect and we never experience moments of doubt or melancholy. It is rare to see someone make a post like this. This is precisely what makes it…

It may be refreshing, but people aren't drawn to it. It's the same idea as to why people are drawn to assholes, why people respect someone who speaks their mind more than someone who is a poeple pleaser etc. You speak like this for long enough around people, and they just wont want to be around you. Every now and then, like you said, it's refreshing.

What you are talking about it marketing and branding.

What Notch is talking about is life.

Re: I love you, dad

#100

Post by davedx » Thu, Dec 13, 2012, 9:09 PM UTC

gknoy wrote: post #66

ColinWright wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Having a kid is easier than falling off a log, > it just takes time. Wrong, and to say so like that demonstrates both ignorance and a significant lack of sensitivity.

I think he's correct. Being pregnant and giving birth is tremendously challenging (and rewarding, to many), but is a drop in the bucket compared to the entire rest of your life being about Not You. Not only do you face the constant lack of sleep, but you now have to worry about financial planning, raising the kid to be a good human, etc. Having a kid is easy. Raising a kid (well) is hard.

We looked after my partner's sister's 2 month old (and her 2 year old) last night. From all the stories people have told me I was actually expecting it to be worse than it was. We still got woken up a few times (a couple of times from him 'gurgling' from his cold - hearing a baby gurgle like that, then stop breathing for 10 seconds, is a bit nerve wracking!), and sure I'm tired today, but I think I could manage this :)

(For months on end, hmm, well, only one way to find out!)